I try not to text and drive or call and drive but I am NOT perfect. I sneak at the traffic lights. Today I glanced up at the light, shaming myself for looking down and almost everyone around me was doing the same thing in their car…..I had terrible nightmares last night. The kind that woke me up. I was upset about several things but mainly my father and his situation. I feel badly that I do not get to see him all of the time. With my new working career, I find myself very busy. It is good for me but I am having feelings of all the things I need to do, in my sleep. Yes I have not cut out all of my social things but some. I do feel much better about myself working. I am really in to working for Peter’s company. I do not even want to take a break these days as I have a lot of adrenaline running and I am excited to get commission. I also feel good as they are respecting my ideas….All of my children are doing well too. William and I are closer than ever. I am feeling a bit more financially secure which helps as well. I need to do a lot of things for my house but I am learning I have to wait for some things and do some things one at a time…….Last weekend I went to get my car washed. I was in my typical old sweats and no makeup from the gym. I then had the grand idea to go and walk to the what I thought was my new favorite store the 99 cents store. I stocked up on a lot of useless things and things my kids do not like, and shampoo that does not suds…..then I took all of my bags and walked them down in my grocery cart. Of course I saw someone I know and they honked and then I laughed out loud. I looked like a bag lady…..ha ha. Good thing I can laugh at myself……..Starting a small group/bible study with some close, co dependent friends. I am looking forward to it. I have a new fun friend Robyn that I really enjoy. She is a great girl and available. Sandra has been gone and I have really enjoyed it except for occasional moments of feeling alone. I am learning to recognize and target my fears and feelings when I have too much alone time, or not a schedule. I had another great thought today and that was…..I can do anything I set my mind to!!! As anyone can…….Every time I face my fears and realize how nice it is to be home alone, or sit and do nothing or just chill in front of the tv. it reminds me that I am lucky to have this time and the luxury of it.(spelling ?)……..I do not have a lot but this week Neil is in town so i do not have to do mom duty all day and night. Another thought i have had as of late which I have had before and it is a healthy one…..is do the right thing!!…..I want to do the right thing as much as I can for the rest of my life……..and so I shall try….with God’s help and dedication..
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Sleeping Solo,

I know it sound silly but I am not use to being home without kids all by myself, and nobody else. I was a bit nervous about it but found it surprisingly peaceful. I was married for son long and then children, and friends constantly surround me. My roommate is moving out and out of town. Yay……It was a humbling experience for me but a good learning one……..Yesterday was a very nice day. I had a doctors appointment but was also a day where I could sneak away and lay in bed reading and watching a movie. I watched,” Guilt Trip,” with Barbara Streisand. I loved it. It was so touching and funny and real. After school I pick up the kids and then we went to Marina’s school fair. I was sort of dreading it but it was a lot of fun. It brought back memories of my childhood. I was hanging out with Jac as Kaylee had all her little friends. Jac played games, ate, ate, and had a blast. The girls were so cute. They got their hair spray painted, and then were dancing on the stage. I could of sat there all day watching the girls dance. They were so happy and so cute. I love how good Kaylee feels about herself. After the fair we went back to Helens house and had adult beverages with pizza and sald..and adult conversation. Met a really nice new family who I am trying to have become our neighbors….Jac and Kaylee had sleepovers thus……..I am solo…..I keep having this message play in my head over and over “this is the prime of my life, this is the time, this is where I will really develop my confidence and self reliance.!! I need to not always be lost in my sentimental memories but make new, wonderful ones…….I am ready for all of the good life had to offer… I hope you are as well……We deserve it!
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Good moring! Slept well last night. Even though this has been a tiring week being single mother of three with no help-it has also been rewarding. It is nice to have all of the kids around. The kids always whine a bit extra when Neil leaves, and Neil say’s they do the same to him. William and I are working on some mile stones. Had a great week at work. I am really enjoying it now. We have some good events coming up. I am going to try to work two full days in the summer and then have the balance off with my children. We are planning some vacations that hopefully will pan out. i do know Kaylee and i are invited to stay in a house on the River-boating, water skiing, jet skiing on Lake Havasue…..Never been so that will be fun……We went to family night at my father’s nursing home the other night. I went up to my so called friend Ella, and she said to her friend ,” Who the hell is that?” I was a bit sad then laughed it off. They told me she has dementia. That is how we met after all , she forgot she ate breakfast and I stood up for her. Seeing my father go down hill is beyond heart breaking. I love when my brother David is out because he has time and budget to hang with my father all day…….Star testing is over for the kids at school…yay. They were so anxious to get to school each morning in fear of being late and having to sit in the office for two hours. There was a lot of screaming in the morning….Today I have some doctor appointments, and then I am going to see a good friend, and paint. After school Dyane and I are taking the kids to a fair at Marina’s school……I use to love fairs. Then tomorrow after Jac’s soccer I am a free agent……..Not sure what I am going to do but looking forward to no duties, work, and babies ….for a day and a night .
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Not so much of a mother’s day but…..Everyone who is lucky enough to still have a mom , the day is usually about them. Not to mention I had two cranky sleep deprived kids. (ugh late, late sleepover)…then my moody you know what. Neil left for a big job and so the day was pretty much spent me trying to make everybody happy and it not working for one of them….So I guess some of my other fun, free days that I have had in the past can cover for that. I know I do have a good life………Yesterday Kaylee said she was so tired that she did not like her thoughts and they were angry thoughts. She always expresses herself so well…….Today is Kaylee’s real birthday or should I say third day of celebrating. WE went to lunch, and ice creme. Now I am cleaning the house again for family tonight. She wants pork, mash potatoes and broccoli in cheese sauce……Trying to draw out the last of her presents because I remember that ill feeling well. ha ha. Still do it………..It is a beautiful summer like day. Jac is sad as he misses his Daddy. I am sure that both parents feel this sadness when their children or one of them prefers or misses the other parent. Then I start to beat myself up for what I did wrong. I am trying to just learn from mistakes and convince myself that, this is all natural. At least that is what my friend’s who are divorced parents say. I also feel as if I have a forth child Chloe!!! My dear little over attached pup…..Anyways things are all good . Had a great day at Peter’s company. I really am getting in to it. Have to do some painting tonight as well as ship some shirts and then Voila…Bed. The nice thing is when Jac is here he and Kaylee sleep in the bunk beds-so i get to watch my shows ie: Madman!! My mom say’s the show is so sexist. I sort of like that about it. I like chivalry and when a man has a place and a woman does too-as long as they treat their woman right. …..We did have a nice day at my brothers la jolla condo’s pool……It was very nice to have William with us. We had steaks and chicken on the grill, and all sorts of yummy things…………Wednesday is family night at my father’s home. Thursday friends are coming for dinner with their kids so it will be nice to have a mellow tuesday as well as weekend……..I will be soccer Mom, skating mom, gymnastic Mom this week…..as well as all of the other duties a part time working mother does…..When one parent is out of town it shows the other parent how much easier it is to share in the duties……. Better get cooking..

I am such a proud Mama. I am babysitting Phillip and Mathew with Kaylee and Jac. They are so cute. Mathew was very upset when Peter and Marcellite left. I comforted him for a few minutes then Kaylee and Jac completely distracted him. …….I was pmsing very much this weekend. I was grumpier than usual so much so that many noticed. I do not get like that often but I can tell you this much-it was not fun. The after math and remorse for some of my cheeky comments and thoughts did not feel good. I can’t imagine how regularly grumpy people feel after they do or say say something they should not. …Or maybe they do not feel remorse. Anyways it goes back to the people that feel good and speak highly of others feel good on the inside as well…..We had a nice weekend despite my pms. Hung out mostly with the kids at Dyane’s. I procrastinated on doing things around my house, and finally did a few very minor things. When I feel bad the last thing I want to do is housework. ….I am looking forward to this week. My friend Cindy is coming in to town, as well as family members. We are having a dual baptism this weekend. My mother is keeping my father at the same home, which makes me calmer………I was taking this Cacoa root, which is derived from Cocoa/Chocolate. It gave me a lot of energy but along with that I think that contributed to me being a lil anxious and grumpy. Everything has a side effect. Other than that I like the mixture of vitamins and supplements I am taking. I find the raw Coconut butter very beneficial. .The best news all weekend was I got a much needed massage. Ivy worked in to my hips and booty so much that I was shouting out with pain. It hurt but felt good at the same time. All I know is the next day I felt such a relief as for the first time in a long time I did not have pain…….I took Sofia and Emma to get pedicures the other day. I had promised them and it has been long overdue . I always try and strive to do what I say even if it is belated……..I ran in to a woman I know from mutual friends. She thanked me on my blog and my Facebook posts. She said that I really touched her, and several of her other friends. It was nice to hear, I have not heard that in a while…..My friend Amy is doing this therapy technique called MDR. I use to that when I was younger. It is a tapping that helps you get rid of stuck memories that harbor your happiness. I found it very helpful although I shed a lot of tears. It was mainly about how badly I feel for my father these days. It also was helping to remember how alone I felt as a child and perhaps that is why I love to be around others so much……….Went to traffic court today after getting lost in the hood. I was so nervous as I have never been there (not that I don[t get tickets, I just use to pay them) anyways I walked in and lo and behold, I knew two people out of thirty and they were seated next to one another . Ha ha. We all had a laugh and it made the entire experience funny!! The other funny part was that when i put my purse through security, the woman reminded me I had a swiss army knife. Ha ha. Thank God she was nice and trusted me. I told her I got that for a gift and completely forgot about it and never used it. After all it was bright pink……ha ha. Lucky I have an honest face…..There were quite a few characters in there but fun people watching….and once again so thankful I NEVER got a tattoo…………………Another ironic and funny story was at Dyane’s party last weekend. I met a girl who works with Dr. Mundes who did my back surgeries…….I am not sure if you remember but I fell for the Nightengale complex with him. He was so kind, nice and had great bed side manor. Mix all that charisma and the drugs and I was claiming I was loved him. I have sort of a history with this in the past with many surgeons/doctors. The difference with him was when i was sober I still really respected him. I remember I was crying my eyes out on Mother’ day when I found out I needed another surgery and he had sooooo much compassion in his eyes. Another joke/story was that when I was under anesthesia, I asked him if I should get a tramp stamp on my scar. He did not know what that was, so I explained in detail to him….Later to find he was a true Mormon. ha ha…oh well.leaving my mark again for better or worse……
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I had a dream that my house was messy despite how much I was TRYING to clean it…Then I woke up and realized it was not a dream. Ugh….Of all the things I miss about indulgence the maid has to be on the top five….I really am not great at cleaning. When I sweep I seem to just transfer the dirt….Weird dreams again last night. I decided I am going to make more of an effort to just highlight the good and minimize the bad-in my speech, life and blogging. Sometimes it is nice to complain and I like to be funny about it but that negative energy has to go somewhere. Same with self deprecating humor. Some is funny and then to much sounds very negative. ……We went to visit my father last night at the home, as I said. I went up to my so called friend Ella who resides there. I really thought we were building a friendship….until last night. I realized that what she is saying to me each time I see her, does not add up. I really don’t think she has any idea who I am or thinks I am someone from the past. She keeps saying “my your children have grown.” She just saw them a week ago?? Anyways she is sweet but I found that a little funny…..It is very hard to see my father in that home and in that state. I have to hold my emotions to myself. I want him to make friends. I am trying to get Ella to visit him regularly. My father is moving homes to a more full care facility but it is really nice. I am nervous about the change for my father. The good news is my mother can walk there. Some of my family is all coming out for my nephews Baptism. That will be nice for the family to be here as well, as have them while my father transfers…..I love that baby Phillip and dream of him nightly. I am always nursing him in my dreams???? I have to look that one up….Kaylee’s bday is coming up . She wants to have a sleepover. Two of her friends from school can not make it. Kaylee is so sad, and I feel for her. It is difficult that Kaylee’s bday is so close to Mother’s day. I keep imagining Kaylee being a teenager and it hurts my heart. I want her to stay my little amigo for much longer.:)….Today is dress up as favorite star today at OPE. Kaylee is going to be CECE from Shake it up…..What and how do full time working moms keep up? I do not know……
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It was a long day but a good one. It was full of all of the good things and the stressful things that are life with kids, but things one can laugh at later, once the chaos subsides….At least it is my tfit….Tomorrow I need to go to clear a fix it ticket although I am thinking about doing my favorite thing procrastinating or postponing it until Monday. I want to do a hot yoga, as well as finish my painting and my room. My kids have a half day. I am suppose to go to a friends bday event tomorrow night at Burlap but I am in sort of a mellow, loner (for me) mood. I just want to hang out with my kids and one friend…..I woke up and went to the gym, after I checked in with a few amigos. I did a yoga class and it was very nice as it was super slow, and felt good for my aching back….and hips. I have been taking a lot of epson salt baths, which help. I need a deep massage. After school I usually pick up Kaylee and Jac, and then William and a few friends. They all squish in to the car and start arguing over who is getting dropped off first and where I am taking them to get either a snack, a meal, or ice cream. By the time everyone is fed and dropped off, it is abour an hour or hour and a half later. I know I am complaining and there are parents that have it much worse but I am just trying to explain to someone who does not think that being a parent is tough,and trying at times. I felt rushed because I made to many plans (moi) and we were meeting friends at the park and then going to dinner to my father’s nursing home for dinner. Marcellite, the baby Phillip, and Mathew (3) met us there for dinner. Let me just tell you- The baby was crying non stop, Mathew had a sugar rush, and Kaylee and Jac were complaining and whining about the food. Instead of being a treat for the elderly, I think they could not wait for us to leave. ..ha ha. At least I got to hold hands with my father and feed him……More to say but just got in bed and want to escape via tv or a novel…..Night.

That damn roller coaster. Ugh! I hope my pain goes away…I feel as rickity as that prehistoric thing. .ha ha. Yesterday so much for my plans to clean my room, or workout, but we had a fab day. Kaylee and I just went to lunch with Dyane and Marina, and then lounged on couch at their home. Dyane and I watched Californication all day. I have a love hate relationship with that show. It is intriguing to me but scary. I hate to think that people live like that. Dyane kept on telling me to relax it was just a show but to me I kept on imagining my children watching it…all the while I was lusting over David Duchovony. The part that hooks me in is when there are loving moments with his ex wife and daughter……..We also played Trouble with the kids. It was hilarious. The dynamics were so funny…..Dyane is so competitive and rule follower. ….You know i am not so much. I did not remember some of the rules and boy did she let me have it. It was hilarious. Then anytime Kaylee or Marina got the other one out, they would sulk…..It was so funny, and of course we were laughing hysterically……As redundant as it sounds, I am so fortunate for many friendships in my life where I feel completely safe and myself. I now know that I do not have to take crap from others, or be treated poorly by any one person, even if it is a family member!!!………When I get intimidate or scared of life, I just go to God and search for good and love in the world……and there is plenty!!!! …..
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Yesterday Neil and I took the kids to Mission Bay Park. I have not been there in years……So many memories resurfaced driving through Mission Beach. I told my kids I use to roller skate in my bikini on the boardwalk and they responded,”Gross.” Then I did a brave act-I went on the rides with the kids. I am trying to play with them more and have more natural fun as I did as a child. Let me just tell you, I confirmed once again I hate them. The worst was the flippin two hundred year old roller coaster. I was miserable. It just jerked my neck and back, while it looked like it was going to break. I could not wait for it to be over. I went on this drop ride that gives you butterflies in your stomach. At first I was startled and was screaming-the kids were cracking up. The day was very fun, as the kids were so happy and of course our teenager was MIA………My roommate is moving out. It is time to be back alone in my home and have my children feel freedom to come over anytime…..That was a trying experience to say the less…trying and Humbling…..Dyane just invited Kaylee and I to go on a house boat vacation in August. I have always wanted to try that. I feel very honored that so many friends are so generous with me and the children……..Next weekend a good friend from childhood is having a big bday bash at his new yoga retreat he built in Borrego. I am looking forward to seeing it. He is turning Fifty. Yowza!!! I went to visit my father yesterday morning and had breakfast with him. He looked well. I also was able to visit my friend there, Ella. She is a lil old Irish lady that is lonely and loves to talk. She has interesting stories and I want to bring my children to visit her. It is quite funny and interesting witnessing what goes on in the restaurant at the old folks home. They have a nice little sub culture……..Of course me the hopeless romantic want to set everyone up with everyone there and make everyone feel loved. ……My aunt Marian is in town,. She is my mother’s longest friend. I love their friendship. We went out to Roppongi the other night and after a couple martinis my mouth had a mind of its own. I admitted to my mother a lot of feelings I have been having and holding in. Of course the next day I felt bad and apologized. I do need to stand up for myself more but there are appropriate ways and appropriate times and places, that I need to consider. There are also two sides to every story. I do love my mother so but we are very different and i desire her to show me love the way I show love.
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Having the best Spring break with my kids. We have been riding bikes everyday, painting, swimming, sunning. I have been enjoying them so much…..Today we gardened, which I have never been very good at, but it was fun. I did some more things around my house that I have been waiting for one of my surrogate husbands to do, but decided to do myself. It felt great. I do not have the patience to do it all of the way but even trying things I have never done or was intimidated to do, is good for me…and good for my kids to see…..Neil said he is going to help me out monthly some. I hope and pray that is true, because that will make my life and sleep sooo much better. I am excited for summer…….I bought some more canvases and feel this sense of accomplishment and confidence that people are paying money for my art. ………Tonight I am going to visit my father in La Jolla and then meet my mother and her best friend for sushi in La Jolla………A wonderful, balanced day…and I feel fortunate today.