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Feb 7 18

A long one………….long but overdue just like my bills are. jk. Not really

by Amy Cubbison

It is time for a check in honesty blog……I will try and make it brief…… and turn this bitch fest around. 🙂……..Been going through a heck of a time……..It all started months back when I wanted to go over our family trust fund and find out details………..It did not go over smoothly but I did learn that I am learning to stand up for myself as well, as ask for what I want………Everyone has always told me I have drama around……………I do admit to liking some and feeling passionately feels good..but one way to add drama to my life, that I have learned is have better boundaries and tell people how you feel, of course in a nice way……….So that started a plethora and a domino effect of negative crap. I try to be positive and an optimist t but God keeps throwing me lessons one after another…………I get a few breaks in between but it has been like seven years…………….I have gotten much better at priorities, living in the moment and realize material things do not make happiness *to bad many never get this” Then my brother and I have had a lot of problems that I will not go in to but greatly effected me……………..My dear friend Christine has passed………………..recently as I am sure you have followed on Facebook. That scares me and saddens me so much. I don’t want my children to leave the house anymore………I feel so protective……………I just heard Pinks’ new song, I fricken love her and it say’s I want to go back and be in my room with my Barbies.” That hit home with me,. I always think about when I was little, loved, and safe in my room, in my home with both of my parents and Minor……I keep telling my kids to appreciate it. I try and make the house as cozy, loving and inviting as I can………..So on top of that and trying to get student loans so I can go to grad school full time., which I by the way LOVE>>>>.it is my saving grace………..I love everyone in my class and I love learning…..and it is sooo interesting. Thank God for that. I just have to get better with the pressure and anxiety I feel before a final or paper……I don’t know if you know this but no b’s in grad school…………I always wanted to be one of those students that was like, I did not study, and I got an A. Never fricken happened to me. If I did not study I failed…….I study day and night now and hopefully that will continue to pan out. BTW I also have never been that person that is like I just dropped ten pounds and I did not even try> What miss a meal? Ha ha. I always feel like stress makes me thinner but the scale tells otherwise……….in my next life…….that with a heart that does not feel so deeply…….To summarize my bitch fest, My kids wont sit and play God Damn games with me. Kaylee barely will watch a show with me. I have to beg. 🙂 I am glad they are independent and happy but I miss them……..hence school and career late in life. Finally on top of that , I feel unattractive lately and older. I seem to notice every little flaw….and I do see how stress does take a toll on you. (me) I think I finally look Middle aged?? Argh………I am trying to work on my insides and not care to much or put too much importance on it but it is not easy……….I like being cute and everything that goes with that…….Hopefully it is just a down time, and I know my hormones are up to something crazy………….I have that all too familiar feeling that I have had in my life where I feel like I am trying so hard and it is not enough, and others do not appreciate it…….Yes victim mentality and I wont stay in that feeling for long…….but I am a puppy who just wants kindness adn love in this dog eat dog world………….My faith in humanity will come back as always ……….so for now No MORE MURDER MYSTERIES< OR AM TALK RADIO>>>>>>>>> goodbye, au revoir fo now……….xoxox……….It is time for a check in honesty blog……I will try and make it brief…… and turn this bitch fest around. 🙂……..Been going through a heck of a time……..It all started months back when I wanted to go over our family trust fund and find out details………..It did not go over smoothly but I did learn that I am learning to stand up for myself as well, as ask for what I want………Everyone has always told me I have drama around……………I do admit to liking some and feeling passionately feels good..but one way to add drama to my life, that I have learned is have better boundaries and tell people how you feel, of course in a nice way……….So that started a plethora and a domino effect of negative crap. I try to be positive and an optimist t but God keeps throwing me lessons one after another…………I get a few breaks in between but it has been like seven years…………….I have gotten much better at priorities, living in the moment and realize material things do not make happiness *to bad many never get this” Then my brother and I have had a lot of problems that I will not go in to but greatly effected me……………..My dear friend Christine has passed………………..recently as I am sure you have followed on Facebook. That scares me and saddens me so much. I don’t want my children to leave the house anymore………I feel so protective……………I just heard Pinks’ new song, I fricken love her and it say’s I want to go back and be in my room with my Barbies.” That hit home with me,. I always think about when I was little, loved, and safe in my room, in my home with both of my parents and Minor……I keep telling my kids to appreciate it. I try and make the house as cozy, loving and inviting as I can………..So on top of that and trying to get student loans so I can go to grad school full time., which I by the way LOVE>>>>.it is my saving grace………..I love everyone in my class and I love learning…..and it is sooo interesting. Thank God for that. I just have to get better with the pressure and anxiety I feel before a final or paper……I don’t know if you know this but no b’s in grad school…………I always wanted to be one of those students that was like, I did not study, and I got an A. Never fricken happened to me. If I did not study I failed…….I study day and night now and hopefully that will continue to pan out. BTW I also have never been that person that is like I just dropped ten pounds and I did not even try> What miss a meal? Ha ha. I always feel like stress makes me thinner but the scale tells otherwise……….in my next life…….that with a heart that does not feel so deeply…….To summarize my bitch fest, My kids wont sit and play God Damn games with me. Kaylee barely will watch a show with me. I have to beg. 🙂 I am glad they are independent and happy but I miss them……..hence school and career late in life. Finally on top of that , I feel unattractive lately and older. I seem to notice every little flaw….and I do see how stress does take a toll on you. (me) I think I finally look Middle aged?? Argh………I am trying to work on my insides and not care to much or put too much importance on it but it is not easy……….I like being cute and everything that goes with that…….Hopefully it is just a down time, and I know my hormones are up to something crazy………….I have that all too familiar feeling that I have had in my life where I feel like I am trying so hard and it is not enough, and others do not appreciate it…….Yes victim mentality and I wont stay in that feeling for long…….but I am a puppy who just wants kindness adn love in this dog eat dog world………….My faith in humanity will come back as always ……….so for now No MORE MURDER MYSTERIES< OR AM TALK RADIO>>>>>>>>> goodbye, au revoir fo now……….xoxox……….

Jan 18 18

Letter to my Dad in heaven, on his 93rd birthday.

by Amy Cubbison
t
I love and miss you everyday
Thank God you are in my dreams most nights
I feel your spirit all around me
I want so much to make you proud of me
I feel as if you are my angel, and my future will be happy because of you
I love how you
Washed our Yorkie, Midge, with Dove soap and swore it killed all of the fleas
How you would make potatoes on a Sunday Morning and put salt and the potatoes in a brown bag, and shake to evenly distribute the salt
I Ioved your famous chicken made with ketchup and mustard.
I loved when you took me to Costco and let me buy out the store
I loved that the reason you took me to Costco was to get a one dollar hot dog and free refills on coke
I love how you use to walk down the street singing, ” I love Amy!”
I loved how you had a hard time refusing me of anything.
I loved how when I was sad or anyone in the family was, you could see it in your eyes.
I loved how you loved Mom so much and always wanted her to sit next to you.
I loved how you believed in everyone, and sponsored so many
I loved how you would do the dishes and hang the dish towel over your shoulder ( I do this too)
I loved how you did not care about material things, even though you could of bought them all.
I loved your sense of humor
I loved your gift of saying the wrong things at the wrong time, which I inherited….always meaning well
I loved  how you loved Jack in The Box, for senior citizen refills on coffee
I love how you drove a beat up Escort and wore ripped jeans, because you did not care
I love how Mom dressed you nice on special occasions and your plaid Christmas pants.
I love how you fell asleep with your mouth open.( another inherited trait)
I love how you never drank or smoked
I loved how hard you worked and your brilliant mathematician mind
I loved how you were such a great dancer, with Mom
I loved how you would bring home and or help homeless people
I loved volunteering at shelter’s with you, where you would promise everyone a job at Peter’s company
I loved, your love of chocolate (Kaylee’s favorite)
I loved your business mind, and way with the stock market
I loved how you went to church with Mom every Sunday.
I loved how later in life, when you could not speak, you closed your eyes and bopped your head to the music.
I loved how when you could not talk, you could sing, “Happy Birthday.”
I loved how you were proud of everyone but very proud that all your girls had degrees.
I loved how much you loved each and every one of our family members even though at times if was hard for you to express.
I loved when you use to pick my friends and I up late at night, when we were partying in your pajamas.
I loved that I survived driving with you…:)
I love how you trusted the world and thought all people were good, equal and honest.  You passed this on to many of us.
I love how you did things your way, and never conformed to the world.
I loved so many things about you that this passage could extend to, too many pages…….But all good things must come to an end……xo

Dec 21 17

Missing my Father

by Amy Cubbison

Last night I had one of my complicated dreams where I feel left out again……This time I was stranded at the Del Mar Fairgrounds with tons of books I was carrying. I could not find anyone to hang out with and or help with my books. I did not have a phone and I was wandering around aimlessly trying to find a ride home. I had just returned from Paris and Italy (again) and I had bad jet lag. ( I wish) Finally a friend who remember me, told me she contacted my Dad and he was coming to get me. I was so relieved and waited at the front for my Dad. Sure enough he arrived as he always did. He looked so strong and handsome. I told him I was worried about his driving as he could not see well and lost his license a long time ago. Then I bragged to everyone that my Dad was 95 and how great he looked………I woke up sobbing…….missing my Dad so much and remembering all of the times he was there for me when I was in trouble, and or scared…….It is hard when you lose a family member that loves you like that……Tell your parents how much you love and appreciate them if they are always there for you……

Oct 29 17

Beautiful Moments

by Amy Cubbison

Kaylee and I had the best day together. We went to the new Nordstroms, which is beautiful. I felt like we were in New York. We had lunch at the restaurant. Finally the tomato basil soup is back. We then went shopping. Well mostly Kaylee shopping while I watched her try stuff on. It reminded me so much when I was younger and my mother and I would always go to lunch and shop (my entire life up unti after my father died) . We then drove home, sang to music, talked. Came home and made popcorn and watched cooking shows snuggled up by the tv in blankets and sat close. It was magical and so precious

Oct 11 17

Update

by Amy Cubbison

I was thinking that I have lapsed in adding posts to this blog and been posting on Facebook.  Then I realized that I have been so diligent at posting all the children’s memories for years up until two years ago.  I need to remember that even though they are older, they still have things I want to share so that they can read their lives until they are adults. I envision them reading them to me, when I am old and gray……

Jac and Kaylee both got their braces off yesterday. They both feel as if it feels weird and looks funny.  They just have to get use to it. I remember the day I did. I was so happy!

Will is working with Neil, and learning the trade. He has some good potential to take overs Neil’s company in the future if he desires.  He has too much down time so I am going to sign him up for on line school……….I want him to get his aa and then possibly Series 7 and he agrees.  He has a sweet girlfriend whom he adores. I worry for him because I know someday he is going to suffer from a broken heart one way or another. Will is a deep, sensitive soul, and life is always harder that way….. Jac is even keeled, and a soccer star. He is enjoying high school and is very popular.  Kaylee is 13 a fashionista, and a neat freak. She dances competitively and practices six days a week.  All of my kids are on time, and somewhat perfectionists…….(except Jac likes to be waited on and is sooooooooo messy)   Well they all like to be waited on and fed constantly. I do not mind that part. They just have to tell me how good it is after they eat. 🙂

Everyone is boggled how my kids are so on time, turn in all assignments, do them on their own, and are very organized. I tell everyone that it is because I was not good at organization, being on time and details (due to my add mind and life’s challenges) that real life hit them hard. They all had to feel the repercutions of not turning in an assignment, and or being late to often………So it has worked out well for all of us………..I enjoy my kids everyday and I miss that they do not want to stay with me and hang with me as much as they did when they were little. I feel a little bit of the empty nest happening already. I signed up for graduate school to get my MAT Masters in therapy. I am super excited about this new chapter in my life. It gives me something to look forward to and I know I am bettering my insides……………One of my goals and dreams. One at at a time. Working towards enlightenment……..x0

Sep 27 17

Braces

by Amy Cubbison

After three years Kaylee is getting her braces off!! In two weeks. She is so excited and so am I. Now two down one to go…………..Thank you Dr. Hassey

Sep 27 17

A Nice Moment

by Amy Cubbison

Today I had a couple flashbacks from being a child, that made me smile. I was walking Chloe and the wind blew and I smelled the smell of grass and leaves with the sunshine. It reminded me of back east when I use to play outside in our yard. I loved to be outside. Then a little while later I sat in the sun, and closed my eyes. It brought me back to the time when in the winter in PhillyI would close my eyes and envision laying on the beach in Ocean City, with the sun shining down on me and covering me with warmth. Every summer I made sure to do this when I was at the beach to keep it in my memory bank. In the summer when I closed my eyes, I felt the sun but I also heard the seagulls, and the ocean waves, and the sound of my family all at the beach> My mother would always make great sandwiches and salads. My Dad would play with us in the Water on the Big Raft. These are my happiest memories when my Father was alive, we were all together and I did not worry about losing anyone. I wish I had not taken some times for grannit now that I look back. Precious.

Sep 26 17

Kaylee’s sense of Humor

by Amy Cubbison

It has been a long time since I wrote in my blog about funny or cute things the kids say, as they are growing older. Kaylee, my sensitive old soul sent me a text and said that she is so upset as she got a seventy five percent on a test. in math and she needs a tutor! She said “I am a disgrace.”  Funny, cute but of course she is never a disgrace.

Sep 26 17

Fall

by Amy Cubbison

I love mornings, especially the fall. The air is crisp and I am lucky that I carpool so I can drink my coffee slowly and start my day. My new mantra is one day at a time. I want to enjoy each and every experience of my day no matter how small, and just really appreciate the moment. Tracy’s brothers death and funeral were heart wrenching. Watching Kevin’s son cry and miss his father was life changing. I don’t want to have regrets and or be in a bad place with people I love. No regrets….This is the first time in a long time I have been single and I am going to use that time to focus on school, myself and my children so when it is time for the next relationship I will be a much better version of myself. It is not easy….Missing someone.

Sep 23 17

Thirteen steps to make a better you!

by Amy Cubbison

I had a thought while I was sleeping. I often have good ideas in my sleep. I wanted to compose a list of thirteen things to help change your life for the better. I am talking to myself and reminding myself as well. Here is goes: Add one every thirty days and do it until it becomes part of your routine.

1) Wake up in the morning and do a prayer/Meditation/Visualization on what you want your life to look like

2) Pick at least three days a week to work out. Thirty minutes of cardio and some sort of strength training or yoga.

3) Drink at least six to eight glasses of water daily

4) Free write everyday, whether in a blog, or for your own personal growth. Try and do it for fifteen minutes and do not worry about punctuation or grammar

5) Say five things you are grateful for every single day, no matter how small

6) Write down your life goals and dreams of where you want to be in the future and then read it daily. Picture it.

7) Limit what you watch, see and read. Make sure you are watching, reading funny and or inspirational more than you are being exposed to the negativity in the world

8) Pay attention to your body and when you are hungry and or full. Be in tune with what you are craving, let yourself have it, no matter what it is, Eat slowly and enjoy each bite, paying attention to when you are full. Do not deprive yourself because then you will binge

9) Practice mindfulness every day for at least ten minutes a day. It brings you back in to today so you don’t worry about the future because all you have is right now

10) Do something for someone every day. Practice an act of random kindness however small it may be to lift someone’s spirts

11) Work on you listening skills, it gets easier. Reflect back what people are saying instead of what you want to say. You will build better relationships and feel greater intimacy. People will want to be around you and you will connect with them on a deeper level

12)Have an active sex life, or pleasure yourself a few times a week. Our bodies are made to have orgasms and they are very healthy for your body, mind and soul.

13) Work in a field you love or are interested in. Start over whatever it is because you will be successful if you love it and you will flourish.

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