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Nov 2 18

Honesty-my path

by Amy Cubbison

Progress not perfection. i can only compare myself against myself. Nobody understands exactly what it is like to be me.

Thirty years ago I: did not think anyone would ever marry me
i felt like i had to dress up cute to be cute
i felt like i was not smart
i made fun of myself and created a safe place to make others laugh while i hurt doing so
i thought i had every disease in the book
i saw my body flaws as if they were magnified
I over exercised and had weight issues
it was a good day when the scale was down
i felt that i had to constantly do charity work and extras to have people and myself believe i was a good person and okay
i shopped to fill my void and my pain
if someone did not like me i did everything in my book to make them
i let people use me, steal from me and treat me like shit
i felt it was my job to make everyone around me happy even my parents
i worried about my parents dying
i was looking for love in all of the wrong places
my decisions were based on fear
i felt like even if my life was not where i wanted it, i had my whole life ahead of me and a miracle would happen
I felt that one day someone would understand me for me
I craved intimacy with friends and men but i was not sure how to get there
I was not sure how to pay a bill or balance a check book
i had so many feelings inside but i was not sure how to express them
i did not understand that i was an empath
i began exercising daily and never stopped
if someone treated me poorly or spoke to me poorly, I would just take it and then cry
I was constantly late and or rescheduling
i had envy to others
I was not happy with my life decisions but i did not know how to create change
I loved and trusted everyone
i left men use me

SO TODAY I AM A MOTHER OF THREE, AMAZING CHILDREN. I AM IN GRADUATE SCHOOL TRYING TO HAVE A CAREER AND CREATE INDEPENDENCE I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS. I STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND HAVE MUCH MORE CONFLICT. I KNOW MYSELF AND I KNOW MY TRUE INTENTIONS. I HAVE THE SAVING GRACE OF BEING AUTHENTIC AND OWNING ALL MY POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR. I UNDERSTAND THAT NOBODY HAS THE SAME PATH AND IF SOMEONE ELSE WERE IN MY SHOES THAT THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND ME MORE. THAT SOME THINGS ARE MY FAULT AND OTHERS ARE NOT. IF I FELT LOVED AND VALUED AT AN EARLY AGE, I WOULD OF BLOSSOMED MUCH EARLIER. I HAVE ADD AND AM AN EMPATH-TWO THINGS THAT ARE TRUE BUT DONT COMPLETELY DEFINE ME. I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND HOW I HAVE GROWN. I

I STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO BUT I NEVER WANT TO STOP EVOLVING. I HOPE MY DAD CAN SEE MY DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND BE PROUD. NOW I JUST HAVE TO WORK ON FEELING PROUD OF MYSELF EVEN WHEN LOVED ONES OR OTHERS AROUND ME ARE NOT AND KEEP ME IN THE SAME BOX I WAS IN YEARS AGO.

Nov 2 18

Grad School

by Amy Cubbison

Last night in class, we started group therapy to learn how to lead a group therapy. It was so powerful. Everyone opened up and shared their true fears, challenges, and issues about school, our class and their life. Everyone had their own style. Everyone had tears in their eyes whether large or small. For some it was very hard to share but for others they unloaded d(me) I felt love and appreciation for each and every member of my class. It was a magical experience that once again lead me to believe that i am going in to the field I was truly meant to be in. To be a therapist you need to have a bleeding heart and a compassionate soul but be strong enough to not let that get you down.

Nov 1 18

Halloween

by Amy Cubbison

I enjoyed my children yesterday. Kaylee was so excited for Halloween. Jac could not decide on a costume  so Kaylee quickly thought up how he could be Clark Kent. She put these glasses together and painted a huge Super Man logo on his chest. Then he wore a men’s tailored shirt with the buttons half open showing it. So sweet. Then Kaylee and her friend were Betty and Veronica. Kaylee’s costume was so creative. She painted candy bags with B and V on them. She had me drive her all over town to have a nice set up to entertain her friend, in festive theme. She got original milkshake glasses like they have in Riverdale and made milkshakes with a cherry on top that they drank. I love her imagination, her creativity and her soul.

Sep 27 18

Challenges

by Amy Cubbison

You know what I may have conflict in my life but instead of it making me feel bad about myself and feeling not good enough or getting depressed-i look at it as a way to learn and grow but I do NOT beat myself anymore. It is so corny but as if I am finally being the loyal, loving friend or mother to myself that I always wanted and needed. I am so far from perfect but that is what life is about accepting flaws in another and not taking them personally and accepting Seasons, Reasons and Life times with friends and lovers…………….. in the end I know my heart is in the right place……….I will not speak ill of anyone but also won’t tolerate being dumped on anymore……..as Minor say’s Thank you Jesus.”

Sep 20 18

Lost family Members………….lost in dying not lost in lost.

by Amy Cubbison

Last night i had dinner with my friend’s mother and cousin. They lost three men in their life this past year-a child, a husband and a grandson. They say that good times happen after sad times in the sense that it helps me to not sweat the small stuff and not to worry about the bull shit. In my opinion people spend way to much time being irritated at something minor or taking something personally. I can recognize that i still do that but far less than I use to . Human being are flawed……We could pick apart anyone. All i know is sitting with this beautiful woman who was crying missing her husband while listening to beautiful songs by Frank Sinatra et. and I felt so much for her. I want to wrap her in my loving arms and make the pain go away. On the flip side i said to her-you still have time to continue a happy life and aren’t you so lucky to have had that love story that so many of us never get to have……………

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Sep 20 18

Heartbreak Hotel

by Amy Cubbison

As you probably know I was suffering from a broken heart after the breakup of a four year relationship. I jumped in to dating someone pretty quickly. I knew i was not ready but I thought that this guy was to good to pass up. Turns out all of the things I thought he was, he was not. It was another lesson on how long it takes to get to know someone. It was about three months in and I am glad i did not spend more time in something with someone who had red flags from the beginning. He is going through a really bad divorce and she is fighting for money and custoday so maybe he is much more positive but this is tough time in his life. My friend told me a big red flag is when someone HATES their ex, trusts nobody, and or does not speak to any family members.I was trying to help this person to trust again but that was not my job, it was his and hopefully in his life he will learn to trust because without trust, no relationship can survive………..I need to have a few good months of casual dating until i figure somethings out……….#heartbroken #love #loveisallaround #amycubbison#diaryofasinglemom #diaryofahousewife #healbeforelovingagain

Sep 20 18

I am Woman Hear Me Pour……

by Amy Cubbison

You know what I may have conflict in my life but instead of it making me feel bad about myself and feeling not good enough or getting depressed-i look at it as a way to learn and grow but I do NOT beat myself anymore. It is so corny but as if I am finally being the loyal, loving friend or mother to myself that I always wanted and needed. I am so far from perfect but that is what life is about accepting flaws in another and not taking them personally and accepting Seasons, Reasons and Life times with friends and lovers…………….. in the end I know my heart is in the right place……….I will not speak ill of anyone but also won’t tolerate being dumped on anymore……..as Minor say’s Thank you Jesus.”

Sep 2 18

Sad but day of Evolving.

by Amy Cubbison

Today was a sad day as a long time friendship has ended. It is not my choice but i will not stay where i am not wanted or appreciated and the other is not willing to work on it. On a more positive note- I had a long conversation with my longest friend-we met at one year old and have been friends ever since. Talking to her is like air to breath for me. She will not hurt me intentionally and she will never leave me nor I to her. We laughed and.🙂 Today we were talking about childhood random memories that only two people who grew up together could share. Funny innuendos-some she remembered and some she did not and vica versa. To be honest is one of the things I love about Jean is she gets me. She also knows my heart and her saying that to me means I am okay. I also knows that she has a good heart, is a great mother and person. It is validating on both sides. If anyone has seen the best and worst of me, it is she. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. I was telling her about an incident that was life changing for me when we were twenty three. She had moved here from back east with her college room mate Kristen. They both had just graduated. I was very envious that they had graduated and I had not yet at the time. I was also envious that she and Kristen were single and free and would go to various places and out all of the time. I was married a the time and in school. I felt some anxiety when i was with Jean and or both of them. I was not sure where this discontentment came or why i felt not worthy but i know I did not like the feeling. One day I said something to Jean and she responded-‘ why would you and do you often say things to hurt me?” Wow…………..When she said that it hit a raw nerve in me and I sobbed for days. I Had realized that I was being passive aggressive with her and giving her jabs to make her feel bad and me feel better…….the only thing it was not making me feel better and i had not realized that she was aware of this. I felt so bad because it brought in to light how much I had not addressed my true feelings to her and covered them up in various ways. Once i owned that and apologized profusely to her, only then i could dig deeper and see where it was coming from. It was a huge lesson for me in my life and I also realized where it came from. I had been around people in my life who were passive aggressive and gave me digs but i did not realize i also was passing on that negative trait. I now know when i say something passive aggressive, own it and apologize. I hope i described this in a way that was beneficial to you. I am an open book and trying to keep some things private and for myself but my nature is to share…………

Sep 2 18

By the way my blog needs to be called Diary of a Single Mom who is dating

by Amy Cubbison
Sep 2 18

I am back and this time for good

by Amy Cubbison

As you know i am in graduate school majoring in psychology. A requirement for me is to be in therapy during as it is for all grad students. I am not afraid to admit that I have done a lot of therapy in my life. Thank God because it has helped me learn and grow so much. This past week I brought up a lot of sad stuff in my childhood. I do not like it when people ignore me and it brings up my abandonment issues. It as rough to relive the past but it showed me that i still hold these feelings inside myself. The best part is that I see how FAR i have come. I no longer will be used, or a dumping ground for others stuff. I always thought to myself-why do people say hurtful things to me often?” It was because I was soft and I let them. Not anymore.!!! I will stand up for myself, protect myself, and my children…..Always look at my behavior and intention and take ownership when I have done or said something that was not right. When i started standing up for myself and having boundaries some did not like it which creates some drama but i guess i have to get through that for others to see that i mean business…..🙂