A month ago today I left the hospital. I was at my lowest and darkness place of my life, sad to say made me understand how much pain Robert had Today with the support of my brother (Have to thank my sister in Law Emma and my niece
for letting him stay here for 3 months) my friends and unconditional love of my girls. I can start to enjoy the simple things in life again. I made lots of mistakes and I’m sure I will make more but something good has come out of this. I realize how much I have, not material things! How much love I have around me. My list of people in my life has reduce significantly in a good way , I’m keeping the ones that stood by me supporting and understanding that depression is like cancer or any other sickness. The ones that had hope and faith on me, that they take me how I am, that I don’t have to pretend, be fake just me. I realize that my girls need me, that is better that they have me as best I can be, that don’t have me at all. That I don’t have to be perfect or be like by everyone. I have to like me and thats is going to take time and lots of work My brother is here for 2 more moths I wish he could stay forever, there is no words to say how special is the time that we are spending together just the 2 of us. Love the way he is with my girls, how he tells me how beautiful,funny, great friend amazing mother and American I am, yes American and I’m really proud of that.
I am thinking about moving to Spain next school year , just for a year so we can have the support of my brother and my family. Thinking about it because like my brother tells me I’m really American now so I know is going to be hard to get use to Barcelona again. My girls don’t want to move , I know they will hate me now but love me in a few years. I’m telling them how amazing will be to for a weekend to Paris , London,Rome………..That they can stay in touch with all their friends thought Skype, text, email ect.
One important thing is that the girls need to get accepted at the American or British school and get some scholarship ,there are REALLY expensive. Will see we time will tell, will ether move to Spain or closer to the beach. I know will have plenty of visitors if we move.
Thank you for everything you know who you are.
As they were sick much of the week so we were going to doctors visits, pharmacies, and cranky in between-shouting out orders for this and that. I took the dog for a walk and Jac had the nerve to call me and tell me his soup got cold. I said you can put it in the microwave. ……….I had some fun on Sunday for a football party and then a friend and I went out to dinner to Cucina Enotecha. It is restaurant week, and they have specials all over. Fixed prices and meals. We shared a delicious chicken dish. It felt good. Now back in the grind. Getting the kids up this morning was NOT fun. It was an especially bad morning as they missed school last week. It was a bad….tuesday morning……I was all smiles when I got them out the door all together and I got to go to the gym and work. I had the best day with my teenage son yesterday. We spent some great quality time together. He is a very interesting person. We walked around town, thrift shops. We tried to go on the gardens for the Self Realization Chapel but they were closed. Anyways we will go back together. He is interested in Buddhism as I am . We had great conversation. ……Well I am having a very good day back at work and it feels good. Tonight is my Dad’s bday and we are all gathering at his home. I am going to get a cake for him. We are going to show him much love. I miss him as with the kids sick I did not want to be around him……..All good
Someone wrote me a really nasty email to my blog. It was hurtful and not necessary. I am very aware of what I need to do better not to mention that her facts were not correct. That and my dear friend’s illness, plus a lil other things has made me feel sad. It is just a pure sadness. I feel better today but I am going to just feel it and not hide it or avoid it……..Yesterday Dyane and I went with the girls hiking in Torrey Pines. It was soooooooo beautiful and felt so nice. I am going to be hiking more this year ….that and hot yoga…….It is nice to see my friend Christine surrounded by so many dear friends during this time of need….It definitely is making me think about life, my life and how valuable it is
So much emotion….
My dear friend was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I have never been so close to someone that had a terminal illness. She is so full of life and love. She is a new friend but we bonded on a spiritual level. It has me questioning a lot of things….. Having challenges with my teenager. Nothing is enough. He asks for favors daily and when I say no he is not nice…….another challenge…..Can someone help me with how to deal with my teenager….I feel hurt……..and i know that is not a good emotion for a parent child but the way he treats me reminds me of unhealthy relationships in my life………Okay now some good news……..My brother has a huge offer for thirty five percent of his business…..This has its benefits and negatives…
myself am grateful that our three children are doing well.
I am grateful that I have a deep connection with all of them.
I am grateful my father is still alive and i can kiss him and hold his hand.
I am grateful that I have such a plethora of kind people in my life and that now I realize I can choose an decide whom I want in my life, and let go of toxic people.
I am happy that I am realizing I am a good business woman as well as smart even if I do dingy things sometimes.
I am letting go of things I can’t change and trying to change what I can. I realize I do not have to be treated poorly and work to make others like or love me. I have no control over that.
I am so happy that these days I waked up feeling, healthy, fit and strong and survived some big challenges.
I now embrace how deeply I feel, and how no matter what I still lend my heart out, despite it getting rejected sometimes. I would rather feel deeply than nothing at all.
I am proud of myself for growing daily and improving on all of the things about myself that are no longer cute now.
I am embracing that I am aging as I am so much more a person of depth and I realize I do not want someone that wants me just for the way I look…I am so much more than that. We are all sooo much more than that.
I am grateful that I am authentic, faulty and proudly so, with out feeling ashamed, as I did for much of my life,
I am happy I have found my boundaries, as well as others boundaries, through people who have taught me in my life.
I am grateful that I am taking a risk and doing somethings that I was always afraid to do as I felt the fear of failure.
I am grateful I have a second chance at learning through my children, and trying to teach them the things I wish I would of learned early on…Although life is the best teacher of all.
I am proud that I do not truly miss one materialistic thing that I had to let go of……of course except some with family history or sentimental value.
I am happy that I am not a judgmental person and can love many
I am very proud of myself for doing so many things I use to rely on others to do ie; Cleaning and fixing things. I am now realizing how important it is for me to focus on a task at hand and do the job like Jesus would do it, even if it is taking out the trash.
I admire each and every one of you in some way…….So thank you for being in my life. I think we always need to remember to pull together for we are all one, on this side and other than the blind walk of faith, we are all striving for the same thing……
One wise person told me to live a happy life one must have connection to others, feel appreciated and valued. We must all have a purpose, and have something to look forward to …….
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My friend and I were talking the other day about envy….I am not a really jealous person but I can be territorial…..I usually am very happy for all of my friends and families successes…..once in a while I feel envy and I have been feeling that lately. It is not a good feeling…..Especially feels bad when someone does not seem to deserve what their environment is………..I can turn it around and think positive thoughts for the others and put out in the universe that i can have that if I want someday…..but the most beautiful and powerful thing is that I am happy right now in my life……I am waking up feeling blessed lately….I do have some woes but I am taking action…….I wrote all of my goals and dreams down and I am looking at them daily……..I truly see a difference when I write my gratitude journal…..and again the transidental mediation is amazing………I feel very spiritually connected…..I am being in the moment and enjoying now…..I also see how Much of my life, I shopped, flirted, pampered, and dined……to not feel any pain or numb my feelings…Now I can’t do that and I am feeling everything and moving forward….but sometimes I wish I would again. ha ha…….A good friend is going through heart break. I have been there for her, just as friends were there for me…It is sad to see it but puts everything in to perspective…..but the beautiful thing is that Time heals ALL wounds, and we can’t control others feelings or decisions….It is empowering to let go……….We deserve the best, especially when we give so much our ourselves…..I am seeing how anger has its place…….and can be a growing tool……
Okay you ready for this one……….My lil old soul (Kaylee) told me this morning that she realizes when Moms throw big, fancy parties when they only have a baby, that won’t remember it-it is really for the Mom’s friends to show what a great Mom they are. ha ha ha…….Smarty…
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Last night Kaylee and I were walking down the street arm and arm. I said,’You are my baby, child and best friend.” She said ,” You are my mommy, a lady and my best friend.” I know some do not agree about being friends with your children, I believe it is somewhere in between mother and child and friends….Then I asked Kaylee if she will become a teenager and hate me? She said,’I may act like I don’t like you but we will always love you no matter what.” I said,”How do you think Willliam treats me, she said, “It is both of you not respecting one another at times and bad communication. ” .. I then said to Kaylee,” You are off the charts on the cute monitor today……and assured that she does not have to worry about Mommy or Daddy anymmore and things are on the up and up…..and there you have from a lil old soul……Also Kaylee’s vocab is insane. The words she throws in there…….I do have to thank OPE for being such an amazing school where they work on their character and creativity so much……….Last night Kaylee and I brought dinner to Neil as they were tired. It was nice. They love the food-pork chops, mash potatoes, and broccoli. We got to all visit and the kids were happy………..I need to spend more one on one time with William…………..Time to get up to take kids to school
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Trying to figure out direct tv………I kept asking others to help me as I am overwhelmed.. Then I decided I need to try things for myself before I immediately start asking for help….So it is going okay. Need to enjoy the free channels until they are paid…It is nice to stock up on movies and shows I have heard about but never watched….I am watching “We are the Millers.” ……I thought it was suppose to be good…To me it is stupid…anyways we are home on a rainy day. Tonight it Marina’s bday party..Dyane has gone all out.The kids have a dj, and are getting their makeup done and hair….Kaylee is soooooo excited..Saw my father today. It was great to see him. I always tell him I love him, he is the best father in the world, and ask if he loves me and he shakes his head yes…..We took a walk around the block and it was very nice…I heard from an old friend today I have not spoken to in years. It was a nice surprise…..I wanted to mention a few funny things about my birthday party…First and fore most I have been dating a couple different people after my last relationship. One of the guys text me an I invited him to my party……When the person arrived I realized i had invited the wrong person with the same name…….A lil uncomfortable, and I did not handle it well…..but it made for some laughs and a great story at the party……Then another funny incident was when I bent down to blow out my candles on my cake, Kaylee shouted out that the cake say’s Happy Anniversary……..ha ha I guess Dyane should of worn her glasses when picking out the cake……..So we had some good laughs….and I think I will not throw a party next year for my bday….It is tiring…..I had a great time and I know by next year everybody is going to be telling me to do it again……but my friends helped a lot…!! Now time to focus on Thanksgiving and Christmas……….Neil told me today that his mother calls him all of the time as she is so sad bout Neil’s Dad dying……That breaks my heart. I am happy that he is here for her and visiting soon….
Okay Christine I will take the challenge and do eleven random facts about myself (why 11) that some may or may not know..I am pretty open …..
I got married so young 21 and my mother had to drag me through my registration as I was bored
My mother had to pull me out of the bathroom to do my dance as bride and groom, as I was crying in the bathroom with my girlfriends cuz i was going to miss them
The three happiest moments of my life were the first time I saw each one of my babies being born
I have never felt a greater love than that of my children
I am the youngest of five and my siblings are 9, 12, 14, 1n 16 years older than me
I was born in suburbs philly and moved to La Jolla with parents at fifteen…..I hated it at first and thought californians were strange…Now there is no place I would rather live
I love to paint, cook, love, cuddle, watch movies, write, and do anything outdoors
I love, love love, meeting new people and appreciate all types of people
I want to write a book someday
I have worked out for the past 28 years with out missing many days in between, even when I had babies or my car accident , I would walk, or do light yoga
My car accident was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and although nobody knows it, my intention was not to drive at all but there were extraneous circumstances (that some know others do not)………But it did change my life for the better as well as all traumatic experiences I have had,,,,,,,,,Happy to still be here.
I love love………(this was fun) I think I went over 11…..I am a rule breaker you know.