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Jan 10 19

I will get better, I promise

by Amy Cubbison

I am doing well. I have a little sentiment in my heart that feels like I could weep. I know where it is coming from. I had a very intense dream about my father. I keep dreaming of being a kid and living with my mom and dad and feeling super loved and safe…….plus unlimited income. 🙂 ha ha. In my dream i offered my father a tootsie roll pop. He was thankful. It touched my soul. I hope that in heaven he has a lot of tootsie rolls and hot dogs…….two of his favorites……..and chicken soup. I feel the tinge in my heart. When I meditate now, i try to feel things in my body and i usually can locate them. My friend Tina was telling me about this insane video on hypnosis. I want to try it out. She said it was very healing. You go back to your first sad or upsetting memory and correct it. Sort of like EMDR…………anyways enjoying my Human Sexuality class. I was nervous about it but now I am not. It is definitely interesting and triggering some thoughts. Will went to the Grand Canyon with his gf……..He said it was one of the most extraordinary experiences he ever had. He was so excited. It made me want to go. Going away is nice but the older I get the more I like to return to my home filled with people and love. I cant wait for the day I can remodel my kitchen and or have the kitchen of my dreams…………….My room is a mess and I have zero energy to clean it. I am going to give myself a hall pass as I do often, rest, study and then hit Sculpt before class…..xo

Dec 14 18

This is the Story

by Amy Cubbison

An interesting story that started out bad but ended up good. A few months back I went to the Shell on El Camino Real. I had the most terrible experience with one of the millennial employees. He was so awfuller to me that I have ptsd thinking about it. I contacted the owner of the gas station and he said he had problems with him before but he would make it up to me and he did. Yesterday I reluctantly went in to that gas station and my atm card was no working . The strip was demagnetized. I kept trying and trying as I wanted water and snacks for school. Before I knew what was happening, was the employee young, tall and thin, put his card in and payed for my items (8,59) I was not sure what was happening until the other female employee said ,”That is just him, hes nice and does not when some people’s cards dont work.” I was so impressed that I contacted the owner again but for a positive incident. He told me he was so happy to hear that and would do something nice for him this Christmas……………#kindness i#amyCubbison #payitforward

Dec 14 18

A nice story that started out not so nice

by Amy Cubbison

https://tubitv.com/tv-shows/283718/s01_e11_the_cubbison_family

Nov 30 18

Update

by Amy Cubbison

Weekly update……..A lot of studying and reading I have been doing. I am going to try and get another A in this class. Although there is a lot of info for my ADD mind to register. Feeling better. My eye infection came back so i got to miss school last night and stay home on a rainy night. 🙂 I was googling my eye infection and my rash on my chest. I Went from having pink eye, to lyme disease, then sure I had Scarlett Fever. That damn google…………..My son has inherited my hypochondria. He asks me about something wrong with him every other day even when he goes to the Dr. and they say he is fine………..Listening to love songs from Star is Born last night. Will asked me if I was listening to funeral music. 🙂 Going dancing tonight with Ray. He loves to dance and he is a cute dancer…of course the happy hour dancing. ha ha. If it does not rain. If i lived in Seattle, i would never go out of the house. I even trained my kids by letting them stay home from school on rainy days. When it rains they all say they love to stay home and be cozy……………….Feeling like i want my extended family to be closer in proximity and intimacy. I got over my latest upset and now my heart is clear and pure once again………..Oxegon to my veins.

Nov 2 18

Honesty-my path

by Amy Cubbison

Progress not perfection. i can only compare myself against myself. Nobody understands exactly what it is like to be me.

Thirty years ago I: did not think anyone would ever marry me
i felt like i had to dress up cute to be cute
i felt like i was not smart
i made fun of myself and created a safe place to make others laugh while i hurt doing so
i thought i had every disease in the book
i saw my body flaws as if they were magnified
I over exercised and had weight issues
it was a good day when the scale was down
i felt that i had to constantly do charity work and extras to have people and myself believe i was a good person and okay
i shopped to fill my void and my pain
if someone did not like me i did everything in my book to make them
i let people use me, steal from me and treat me like shit
i felt it was my job to make everyone around me happy even my parents
i worried about my parents dying
i was looking for love in all of the wrong places
my decisions were based on fear
i felt like even if my life was not where i wanted it, i had my whole life ahead of me and a miracle would happen
I felt that one day someone would understand me for me
I craved intimacy with friends and men but i was not sure how to get there
I was not sure how to pay a bill or balance a check book
i had so many feelings inside but i was not sure how to express them
i did not understand that i was an empath
i began exercising daily and never stopped
if someone treated me poorly or spoke to me poorly, I would just take it and then cry
I was constantly late and or rescheduling
i had envy to others
I was not happy with my life decisions but i did not know how to create change
I loved and trusted everyone
i left men use me

SO TODAY I AM A MOTHER OF THREE, AMAZING CHILDREN. I AM IN GRADUATE SCHOOL TRYING TO HAVE A CAREER AND CREATE INDEPENDENCE I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS. I STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND HAVE MUCH MORE CONFLICT. I KNOW MYSELF AND I KNOW MY TRUE INTENTIONS. I HAVE THE SAVING GRACE OF BEING AUTHENTIC AND OWNING ALL MY POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR. I UNDERSTAND THAT NOBODY HAS THE SAME PATH AND IF SOMEONE ELSE WERE IN MY SHOES THAT THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND ME MORE. THAT SOME THINGS ARE MY FAULT AND OTHERS ARE NOT. IF I FELT LOVED AND VALUED AT AN EARLY AGE, I WOULD OF BLOSSOMED MUCH EARLIER. I HAVE ADD AND AM AN EMPATH-TWO THINGS THAT ARE TRUE BUT DONT COMPLETELY DEFINE ME. I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND HOW I HAVE GROWN. I

I STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO BUT I NEVER WANT TO STOP EVOLVING. I HOPE MY DAD CAN SEE MY DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND BE PROUD. NOW I JUST HAVE TO WORK ON FEELING PROUD OF MYSELF EVEN WHEN LOVED ONES OR OTHERS AROUND ME ARE NOT AND KEEP ME IN THE SAME BOX I WAS IN YEARS AGO.

Nov 2 18

Grad School

by Amy Cubbison

Last night in class, we started group therapy to learn how to lead a group therapy. It was so powerful. Everyone opened up and shared their true fears, challenges, and issues about school, our class and their life. Everyone had their own style. Everyone had tears in their eyes whether large or small. For some it was very hard to share but for others they unloaded d(me) I felt love and appreciation for each and every member of my class. It was a magical experience that once again lead me to believe that i am going in to the field I was truly meant to be in. To be a therapist you need to have a bleeding heart and a compassionate soul but be strong enough to not let that get you down.

Nov 1 18

Halloween

by Amy Cubbison

I enjoyed my children yesterday. Kaylee was so excited for Halloween. Jac could not decide on a costume  so Kaylee quickly thought up how he could be Clark Kent. She put these glasses together and painted a huge Super Man logo on his chest. Then he wore a men’s tailored shirt with the buttons half open showing it. So sweet. Then Kaylee and her friend were Betty and Veronica. Kaylee’s costume was so creative. She painted candy bags with B and V on them. She had me drive her all over town to have a nice set up to entertain her friend, in festive theme. She got original milkshake glasses like they have in Riverdale and made milkshakes with a cherry on top that they drank. I love her imagination, her creativity and her soul.

Sep 27 18

Challenges

by Amy Cubbison

You know what I may have conflict in my life but instead of it making me feel bad about myself and feeling not good enough or getting depressed-i look at it as a way to learn and grow but I do NOT beat myself anymore. It is so corny but as if I am finally being the loyal, loving friend or mother to myself that I always wanted and needed. I am so far from perfect but that is what life is about accepting flaws in another and not taking them personally and accepting Seasons, Reasons and Life times with friends and lovers…………….. in the end I know my heart is in the right place……….I will not speak ill of anyone but also won’t tolerate being dumped on anymore……..as Minor say’s Thank you Jesus.”

Sep 20 18

Lost family Members………….lost in dying not lost in lost.

by Amy Cubbison

Last night i had dinner with my friend’s mother and cousin. They lost three men in their life this past year-a child, a husband and a grandson. They say that good times happen after sad times in the sense that it helps me to not sweat the small stuff and not to worry about the bull shit. In my opinion people spend way to much time being irritated at something minor or taking something personally. I can recognize that i still do that but far less than I use to . Human being are flawed……We could pick apart anyone. All i know is sitting with this beautiful woman who was crying missing her husband while listening to beautiful songs by Frank Sinatra et. and I felt so much for her. I want to wrap her in my loving arms and make the pain go away. On the flip side i said to her-you still have time to continue a happy life and aren’t you so lucky to have had that love story that so many of us never get to have……………

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Sep 20 18

Heartbreak Hotel

by Amy Cubbison

As you probably know I was suffering from a broken heart after the breakup of a four year relationship. I jumped in to dating someone pretty quickly. I knew i was not ready but I thought that this guy was to good to pass up. Turns out all of the things I thought he was, he was not. It was another lesson on how long it takes to get to know someone. It was about three months in and I am glad i did not spend more time in something with someone who had red flags from the beginning. He is going through a really bad divorce and she is fighting for money and custoday so maybe he is much more positive but this is tough time in his life. My friend told me a big red flag is when someone HATES their ex, trusts nobody, and or does not speak to any family members.I was trying to help this person to trust again but that was not my job, it was his and hopefully in his life he will learn to trust because without trust, no relationship can survive………..I need to have a few good months of casual dating until i figure somethings out……….#heartbroken #love #loveisallaround #amycubbison#diaryofasinglemom #diaryofahousewife #healbeforelovingagain