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Feb 28 19

Dreams

by Amy Cubbison

I figured out why each night i dream about living with my parents as a young adult. I moved out early per my mother’s suggestions. I was a very young eighteen year older, for those of you who know me well. I have always been a bit delayed in maturation. I was like a little girl lost. Then I met Neil at Nineteen and got married at twenty one. I feel as though I never was ready to move out and that I miss that feeling of being home , safe and protected by my parents. I adore having children but sometimes it is nice to feel as if someone is taking care of me as well. As you know I also lost my father four years ago and he has been ill for a while, so our family gatherings at our home in La Jolla became fewer and changed. On a positive note these dreams are often happy and healing dreams. I get what i want 🙂 I am loved, I am joking, laughing and hugging my parents. Last night I hugged my Mom so tight and felt so much love and compassion for her. I also was bringing out my Dad’s wheel to have him show off as he use to love to do. So as our bodies and minds are created for self healing, I am doing this in my dreams at night.

Feb 19 19

Why I love to write………

by Amy Cubbison

Ever since I was a little girl I was a natural writer. Natural in the sense where it was easier and safer for me to express my feelings, and thoughts in words. Alright not without some bad grammar and spelling but meaningful. I always had a diary. I always made up stories and books. I use to send my Uncel Irvie my stories and he would boast about them. I wrote my mother notes my entire life. She called them hate mail but to me they were love mail just wanting more love and understanding. Then i wrote notes to friends all of the time. I wrote every guy I ever liked notes. Then came email and voila, I had an outlet. Boy did i take advantage of that. Some people say some things should not be in an email and or written. I agree but I also believe it can help you focus on what a person is telling you, and then you have time to think and respond. It goes both ways. I also agree sometimes an email written in anger should not be sent. Or after a few drinks. Hence the need for the breathalyzer on phones and lap tops. When my ex husband and I were long distance dating, I would send him two or three letters a day. This is before cell phones. Each time I went to the post office which was daily, I felt a sense of relief when my letters went off.
I have been told I share to much, to much on Facebook and to much in emails. I get that now and there is a boundary however I love to express myself in words. Some people have criticized me for that. I do not think they understand what it feels like to be a natural writer. I have these words and feelings inside of me that just need to come out or I will com-bust. I credit some of this to my English professor at college. She had us free write for twenty minutes each day. Write freely and without punctuation. It was called creative writing. Once I started doing that I felt free and clear. When I write down my feelings, thinks make more sense to me. After all that is what we are all trying to do in this world, is make sense of everything. Beginning with ourselves is the first place to star . I understand not that earlier Something happens to me when I get behind a key board.

I started a blog fourteen years ago before I knew what they were. I have a website where i sold funny, maternity shirts. I added a “Diary of Housewife,” on it. That eventually changed to “Diary of a single Mom, “but still the same. I posted so often and so much. To me not only was it a way, to express myself and deal but a way to preserve all my children’s memories. Funny things they said and did are saved forever. I always envision them reading them when I am old and tired. I am a sentimental person who loves memories. It is not that I do not enjoy now, or look for the future but I value memories tremendously. That is another reason we are all hear on this earth to build, create, enjoy and savor memories.

I wrote so much in my blog and it got popular that I got myself in a few pickles. For example if i went to a baby shower and i felt someone was not nice to me, I would write about it. Well it took a little while and a few bad experiences when I realized i cant write everything. I felt that I was not being real if i want not saying every thought and feeling i had. I learned to curtail that as well. My mother and friends would preface everything with “Do NOT PUT THIS IS YOUR BLOG.” Once my kids started saying that i got the message loud and clear.
Then came along Facebook, yet another venue for my unlimited words and thoughts. Yes i look back on over ten years of posts and some I cringe when I read. Especially the ones where I had a car accident and back surgery and was on Vicadin. The genius that I thought i had on prescriptions was not the genius people related to.

So here I am enrolled in Grad school to become a marriage, child, family counselor. I have to do tons of self reflection and writing. It is right up my alley. I have to say that when people tell me not to share so much, or talk to people instead of write to them, I do not agree. I am a writer through and through. It is in my soul regardless if I am a success at it or not. I have been writing a memoir for the past tour years. It is coming along slowly but surely. I would encourage anyone out there to start free writing daily twenty minutes. See where your words and thoughts take you. I bet you will end up in a better, calmer, clearer space.

Feb 12 19

Lots to say

by Amy Cubbison

I wonder how often i have used that title for a post…….Because my blog posts are few and far between. You can always see posts on my Facebook account LeaveMeB.com      I am in my 13th class for my marriage, family counselor program. I am making it. Yaya………….I still have anxiety but a little less with each passing grade….remember a passing grade is a b and above……..I am excited and scared. Scared to have a true career…………and if i will succeed at it. I am excited my brother David and Maria are coming for a month and my sister Lisa is coming for a week.  I miss my family back east very much. Minor, my childhood nanny had a scare at 100 years old but came out from heart failure and is home now…………..She is awesome…………I hope she lives to be 110. I miss my father so much, it amazes me . It is an ache in my heart. There is so much change in our family out here, that it is hard for me to adjust to it. I am sentimental as they come. My little fam is doing well……thank God………..Kaylee just got in to a dance ballet program for summer. She will be away three weeks from me……..so not happy about that. Jac is in love and a soccer champ. Will is  a entrepreneur…….All are healthy……..Just having some hormonal crap that makes me more dramatic and emotional……..and fearful…………but working out tons. Getting my earlier body back with a lot of resistance training. It feels good……………Still with my boyfriend Ray. We get along  really well……………………So thank you Lord for all of my blessings and help me to contribute to the world and make it a better place.   btw this should be diary of a divorced Mom not housewife………We raise kids together and will always be family.

Jan 10 19

I will get better, I promise

by Amy Cubbison

I am doing well. I have a little sentiment in my heart that feels like I could weep. I know where it is coming from. I had a very intense dream about my father. I keep dreaming of being a kid and living with my mom and dad and feeling super loved and safe…….plus unlimited income. 🙂 ha ha. In my dream i offered my father a tootsie roll pop. He was thankful. It touched my soul. I hope that in heaven he has a lot of tootsie rolls and hot dogs…….two of his favorites……..and chicken soup. I feel the tinge in my heart. When I meditate now, i try to feel things in my body and i usually can locate them. My friend Tina was telling me about this insane video on hypnosis. I want to try it out. She said it was very healing. You go back to your first sad or upsetting memory and correct it. Sort of like EMDR…………anyways enjoying my Human Sexuality class. I was nervous about it but now I am not. It is definitely interesting and triggering some thoughts. Will went to the Grand Canyon with his gf……..He said it was one of the most extraordinary experiences he ever had. He was so excited. It made me want to go. Going away is nice but the older I get the more I like to return to my home filled with people and love. I cant wait for the day I can remodel my kitchen and or have the kitchen of my dreams…………….My room is a mess and I have zero energy to clean it. I am going to give myself a hall pass as I do often, rest, study and then hit Sculpt before class…..xo

Dec 14 18

This is the Story

by Amy Cubbison

An interesting story that started out bad but ended up good. A few months back I went to the Shell on El Camino Real. I had the most terrible experience with one of the millennial employees. He was so awfuller to me that I have ptsd thinking about it. I contacted the owner of the gas station and he said he had problems with him before but he would make it up to me and he did. Yesterday I reluctantly went in to that gas station and my atm card was no working . The strip was demagnetized. I kept trying and trying as I wanted water and snacks for school. Before I knew what was happening, was the employee young, tall and thin, put his card in and payed for my items (8,59) I was not sure what was happening until the other female employee said ,”That is just him, hes nice and does not when some people’s cards dont work.” I was so impressed that I contacted the owner again but for a positive incident. He told me he was so happy to hear that and would do something nice for him this Christmas……………#kindness i#amyCubbison #payitforward

Dec 14 18

A nice story that started out not so nice

by Amy Cubbison

https://tubitv.com/tv-shows/283718/s01_e11_the_cubbison_family

Nov 30 18

Update

by Amy Cubbison

Weekly update……..A lot of studying and reading I have been doing. I am going to try and get another A in this class. Although there is a lot of info for my ADD mind to register. Feeling better. My eye infection came back so i got to miss school last night and stay home on a rainy night. 🙂 I was googling my eye infection and my rash on my chest. I Went from having pink eye, to lyme disease, then sure I had Scarlett Fever. That damn google…………..My son has inherited my hypochondria. He asks me about something wrong with him every other day even when he goes to the Dr. and they say he is fine………..Listening to love songs from Star is Born last night. Will asked me if I was listening to funeral music. 🙂 Going dancing tonight with Ray. He loves to dance and he is a cute dancer…of course the happy hour dancing. ha ha. If it does not rain. If i lived in Seattle, i would never go out of the house. I even trained my kids by letting them stay home from school on rainy days. When it rains they all say they love to stay home and be cozy……………….Feeling like i want my extended family to be closer in proximity and intimacy. I got over my latest upset and now my heart is clear and pure once again………..Oxegon to my veins.

Nov 2 18

Honesty-my path

by Amy Cubbison

Progress not perfection. i can only compare myself against myself. Nobody understands exactly what it is like to be me.

Thirty years ago I: did not think anyone would ever marry me
i felt like i had to dress up cute to be cute
i felt like i was not smart
i made fun of myself and created a safe place to make others laugh while i hurt doing so
i thought i had every disease in the book
i saw my body flaws as if they were magnified
I over exercised and had weight issues
it was a good day when the scale was down
i felt that i had to constantly do charity work and extras to have people and myself believe i was a good person and okay
i shopped to fill my void and my pain
if someone did not like me i did everything in my book to make them
i let people use me, steal from me and treat me like shit
i felt it was my job to make everyone around me happy even my parents
i worried about my parents dying
i was looking for love in all of the wrong places
my decisions were based on fear
i felt like even if my life was not where i wanted it, i had my whole life ahead of me and a miracle would happen
I felt that one day someone would understand me for me
I craved intimacy with friends and men but i was not sure how to get there
I was not sure how to pay a bill or balance a check book
i had so many feelings inside but i was not sure how to express them
i did not understand that i was an empath
i began exercising daily and never stopped
if someone treated me poorly or spoke to me poorly, I would just take it and then cry
I was constantly late and or rescheduling
i had envy to others
I was not happy with my life decisions but i did not know how to create change
I loved and trusted everyone
i left men use me

SO TODAY I AM A MOTHER OF THREE, AMAZING CHILDREN. I AM IN GRADUATE SCHOOL TRYING TO HAVE A CAREER AND CREATE INDEPENDENCE I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS. I STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND HAVE MUCH MORE CONFLICT. I KNOW MYSELF AND I KNOW MY TRUE INTENTIONS. I HAVE THE SAVING GRACE OF BEING AUTHENTIC AND OWNING ALL MY POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR. I UNDERSTAND THAT NOBODY HAS THE SAME PATH AND IF SOMEONE ELSE WERE IN MY SHOES THAT THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND ME MORE. THAT SOME THINGS ARE MY FAULT AND OTHERS ARE NOT. IF I FELT LOVED AND VALUED AT AN EARLY AGE, I WOULD OF BLOSSOMED MUCH EARLIER. I HAVE ADD AND AM AN EMPATH-TWO THINGS THAT ARE TRUE BUT DONT COMPLETELY DEFINE ME. I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND HOW I HAVE GROWN. I

I STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO BUT I NEVER WANT TO STOP EVOLVING. I HOPE MY DAD CAN SEE MY DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND BE PROUD. NOW I JUST HAVE TO WORK ON FEELING PROUD OF MYSELF EVEN WHEN LOVED ONES OR OTHERS AROUND ME ARE NOT AND KEEP ME IN THE SAME BOX I WAS IN YEARS AGO.

Nov 2 18

Grad School

by Amy Cubbison

Last night in class, we started group therapy to learn how to lead a group therapy. It was so powerful. Everyone opened up and shared their true fears, challenges, and issues about school, our class and their life. Everyone had their own style. Everyone had tears in their eyes whether large or small. For some it was very hard to share but for others they unloaded d(me) I felt love and appreciation for each and every member of my class. It was a magical experience that once again lead me to believe that i am going in to the field I was truly meant to be in. To be a therapist you need to have a bleeding heart and a compassionate soul but be strong enough to not let that get you down.

Nov 1 18

Halloween

by Amy Cubbison

I enjoyed my children yesterday. Kaylee was so excited for Halloween. Jac could not decide on a costume  so Kaylee quickly thought up how he could be Clark Kent. She put these glasses together and painted a huge Super Man logo on his chest. Then he wore a men’s tailored shirt with the buttons half open showing it. So sweet. Then Kaylee and her friend were Betty and Veronica. Kaylee’s costume was so creative. She painted candy bags with B and V on them. She had me drive her all over town to have a nice set up to entertain her friend, in festive theme. She got original milkshake glasses like they have in Riverdale and made milkshakes with a cherry on top that they drank. I love her imagination, her creativity and her soul.