myself am grateful that our three children are doing well.
I am grateful that I have a deep connection with all of them.
I am grateful my father is still alive and i can kiss him and hold his hand.
I am grateful that I have such a plethora of kind people in my life and that now I realize I can choose an decide whom I want in my life, and let go of toxic people.
I am happy that I am realizing I am a good business woman as well as smart even if I do dingy things sometimes.
I am letting go of things I can’t change and trying to change what I can. I realize I do not have to be treated poorly and work to make others like or love me. I have no control over that.
I am so happy that these days I waked up feeling, healthy, fit and strong and survived some big challenges.
I now embrace how deeply I feel, and how no matter what I still lend my heart out, despite it getting rejected sometimes. I would rather feel deeply than nothing at all.
I am proud of myself for growing daily and improving on all of the things about myself that are no longer cute now.
I am embracing that I am aging as I am so much more a person of depth and I realize I do not want someone that wants me just for the way I look…I am so much more than that. We are all sooo much more than that.
I am grateful that I am authentic, faulty and proudly so, with out feeling ashamed, as I did for much of my life,
I am happy I have found my boundaries, as well as others boundaries, through people who have taught me in my life.
I am grateful that I am taking a risk and doing somethings that I was always afraid to do as I felt the fear of failure.
I am grateful I have a second chance at learning through my children, and trying to teach them the things I wish I would of learned early on…Although life is the best teacher of all.
I am proud that I do not truly miss one materialistic thing that I had to let go of……of course except some with family history or sentimental value.
I am happy that I am not a judgmental person and can love many
I am very proud of myself for doing so many things I use to rely on others to do ie; Cleaning and fixing things. I am now realizing how important it is for me to focus on a task at hand and do the job like Jesus would do it, even if it is taking out the trash.
I admire each and every one of you in some way…….So thank you for being in my life. I think we always need to remember to pull together for we are all one, on this side and other than the blind walk of faith, we are all striving for the same thing……
One wise person told me to live a happy life one must have connection to others, feel appreciated and valued. We must all have a purpose, and have something to look forward to …….
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My friend and I were talking the other day about envy….I am not a really jealous person but I can be territorial…..I usually am very happy for all of my friends and families successes…..once in a while I feel envy and I have been feeling that lately. It is not a good feeling…..Especially feels bad when someone does not seem to deserve what their environment is………..I can turn it around and think positive thoughts for the others and put out in the universe that i can have that if I want someday…..but the most beautiful and powerful thing is that I am happy right now in my life……I am waking up feeling blessed lately….I do have some woes but I am taking action…….I wrote all of my goals and dreams down and I am looking at them daily……..I truly see a difference when I write my gratitude journal…..and again the transidental mediation is amazing………I feel very spiritually connected…..I am being in the moment and enjoying now…..I also see how Much of my life, I shopped, flirted, pampered, and dined……to not feel any pain or numb my feelings…Now I can’t do that and I am feeling everything and moving forward….but sometimes I wish I would again. ha ha…….A good friend is going through heart break. I have been there for her, just as friends were there for me…It is sad to see it but puts everything in to perspective…..but the beautiful thing is that Time heals ALL wounds, and we can’t control others feelings or decisions….It is empowering to let go……….We deserve the best, especially when we give so much our ourselves…..I am seeing how anger has its place…….and can be a growing tool……
Okay you ready for this one……….My lil old soul (Kaylee) told me this morning that she realizes when Moms throw big, fancy parties when they only have a baby, that won’t remember it-it is really for the Mom’s friends to show what a great Mom they are. ha ha ha…….Smarty…
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Last night Kaylee and I were walking down the street arm and arm. I said,’You are my baby, child and best friend.” She said ,” You are my mommy, a lady and my best friend.” I know some do not agree about being friends with your children, I believe it is somewhere in between mother and child and friends….Then I asked Kaylee if she will become a teenager and hate me? She said,’I may act like I don’t like you but we will always love you no matter what.” I said,”How do you think Willliam treats me, she said, “It is both of you not respecting one another at times and bad communication. ” .. I then said to Kaylee,” You are off the charts on the cute monitor today……and assured that she does not have to worry about Mommy or Daddy anymmore and things are on the up and up…..and there you have from a lil old soul……Also Kaylee’s vocab is insane. The words she throws in there…….I do have to thank OPE for being such an amazing school where they work on their character and creativity so much……….Last night Kaylee and I brought dinner to Neil as they were tired. It was nice. They love the food-pork chops, mash potatoes, and broccoli. We got to all visit and the kids were happy………..I need to spend more one on one time with William…………..Time to get up to take kids to school
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Trying to figure out direct tv………I kept asking others to help me as I am overwhelmed.. Then I decided I need to try things for myself before I immediately start asking for help….So it is going okay. Need to enjoy the free channels until they are paid…It is nice to stock up on movies and shows I have heard about but never watched….I am watching “We are the Millers.” ……I thought it was suppose to be good…To me it is stupid…anyways we are home on a rainy day. Tonight it Marina’s bday party..Dyane has gone all out.The kids have a dj, and are getting their makeup done and hair….Kaylee is soooooo excited..Saw my father today. It was great to see him. I always tell him I love him, he is the best father in the world, and ask if he loves me and he shakes his head yes…..We took a walk around the block and it was very nice…I heard from an old friend today I have not spoken to in years. It was a nice surprise…..I wanted to mention a few funny things about my birthday party…First and fore most I have been dating a couple different people after my last relationship. One of the guys text me an I invited him to my party……When the person arrived I realized i had invited the wrong person with the same name…….A lil uncomfortable, and I did not handle it well…..but it made for some laughs and a great story at the party……Then another funny incident was when I bent down to blow out my candles on my cake, Kaylee shouted out that the cake say’s Happy Anniversary……..ha ha I guess Dyane should of worn her glasses when picking out the cake……..So we had some good laughs….and I think I will not throw a party next year for my bday….It is tiring…..I had a great time and I know by next year everybody is going to be telling me to do it again……but my friends helped a lot…!! Now time to focus on Thanksgiving and Christmas……….Neil told me today that his mother calls him all of the time as she is so sad bout Neil’s Dad dying……That breaks my heart. I am happy that he is here for her and visiting soon….
Okay Christine I will take the challenge and do eleven random facts about myself (why 11) that some may or may not know..I am pretty open …..
I got married so young 21 and my mother had to drag me through my registration as I was bored
My mother had to pull me out of the bathroom to do my dance as bride and groom, as I was crying in the bathroom with my girlfriends cuz i was going to miss them
The three happiest moments of my life were the first time I saw each one of my babies being born
I have never felt a greater love than that of my children
I am the youngest of five and my siblings are 9, 12, 14, 1n 16 years older than me
I was born in suburbs philly and moved to La Jolla with parents at fifteen…..I hated it at first and thought californians were strange…Now there is no place I would rather live
I love to paint, cook, love, cuddle, watch movies, write, and do anything outdoors
I love, love love, meeting new people and appreciate all types of people
I want to write a book someday
I have worked out for the past 28 years with out missing many days in between, even when I had babies or my car accident , I would walk, or do light yoga
My car accident was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and although nobody knows it, my intention was not to drive at all but there were extraneous circumstances (that some know others do not)………But it did change my life for the better as well as all traumatic experiences I have had,,,,,,,,,Happy to still be here.
I love love………(this was fun) I think I went over 11…..I am a rule breaker you know.
I dreamt about my childhood at the Ocean City shore…It was a beautiful, peaceful dream. That was the happiest times of my childhood…..I love to imagine and visualize my father when he was strong and robust…… I am practicing detachment lately. It is difficult for me but I realize if I wan to be happy and be the best for my children that I must……..Chloe is a little terror….She howls when I drive by mcDonalds as she wants a sausage-any McDonalds. She recognizes the golden arches. I need to video tape it…Then she tears every thing she finds in to hundreds of pieces. A whole toilet roll, and Kaylee curlers, My foam mattress, and all of my exercise clothes and underwear…….ugh!!!! But we love her………..I am really practicing mindfulness lately. I like being alone in my bed at times……and listening to all of the sounds outside. I feel that I have been truly disappointed in some that I believed in but then I need to remember, that was the image I had of them, and not their true nature.. I dislike phony people and those all about image….I do see how there is a certain level we need to keep just for our children but to lie, fake, and hide behind people, places and things makes me sick…….Once upon a time I did that to some degree, and it felt gross…Like I was a fake …..yuck….Hard to look at myself in the mirror…I also see how now that I am getting better at boundaries and expressing mine- i have more conflict and others do not like it….It is hard for me to accept but it is building my confidence because humans are complex and everyone has people that they do not choose to be with, hang out with, or aspire to be. It is okay to have differences with others…..I have gotten much better at respecting others boundaries but I still slide back sometimes…..that and my ever trying to improve my cleaning……All the things I use to take for granted , I now dream of……….and will appreciate to the hills when they are back but this time with perspective and caution…
Last night I had some really nice, happy dreams, despite the circumstances. I kept on picturing me as a child down at or shore home in Ocean City. That was probably the happiest time of my childhood-the summers down there. Lovely beach, sand, Mom and Dad home, entertaining with friends and family….Sunday breakfast with my father shaking potatoes in a paper bag to distribute the salt evenly…….Going to the boardwalk, riding bikes, looking for guys. ha ha….Life guards, calm ocean, and finding shells……..I also remember so clearly walking from the beach freezing in my wet bathing suit…..and dreaming of the hot tub I was going to run and get in to….and the great feeling of showering after the beach…….I cherish those times……then they got a little wilder as i got older. ha ha
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I just wrote that as a long time ago I use to get the Monday blues, but now I do not mind Mondays. In fact I like them because I like having the break from the kids, knowing they are safe and learning, and I can take time to work for my brother, and work for our future………..Last night I had friends over to celebrate Tracy Saraceno’s birthday. We have known one another since we were twenty from La jolla. It was a small intimate crowd. It was very nice. We played a fun game like Charades….I cooked one of my favorites-pork tenderloin in a green chile, lemon, caper verde sauce. I was lighting the torches, and I spilled some lighter fluid on myself. I then changed my outfit and washed myself over and over again but I was still afraid to go near any candles….I have heard horror stories about that and it was scary. …..I had a great, sweaty workout this morning followed by a productive day at NoteVault. Whoever said working is good for the soul, was right. It takes so much energy and attention off of one’s minor problems and gives a feeling of accomplishment. I am juggling a few things right now but all exciting ventures….. I feel like I have all of Maslows triangles (psych major) to be happy and have a happy life. …..Saturday I was cleaning the kitchen when I saw all of these empty dressing and vinegar bottles in there. My optimistic mind went to Kaylee cleaning out my refrigerator on her own. Well before I had the chance to speak to Kaylee she told me that they did a big experiment with vinegar dressing and Baking soda to see how big of an explosion that they could have….Oh well at least that is practicing their creativity…….I have met some people lately that tell me that they had heard things about me and now that they have met me or know me they do not believe what they have heard. Although that makes me feel good, it makes me sad that people pass on judgement before they know the person…….That is one thing I really try not to do……So my friends and kids are teasing me as when I ask a question, I make a funny face. This expression comes from being afraid of the answer. I do not like no’s and I love yeses. Now that I know it I realize I make that face much more often ie: when I am calling a big wig, or at Jac’s soccer game and afraid that they won’t make the goal….Humbling…..Ha ha. It is quite funny…
I have been back to work for almost two weeks, and once again I am reminded of how good for ones self esteem and soul to work. I am doing very well. I am excited as tomorrow my brother David is coming in to town. He is so good with my father or our father(who art in heaven) ha ha. Tonight is family night. I am getting attached to some of the elderly ladies. Last week Evelyn came and sat with us. She kept on asking me the same question over and over again but she forgot. She is so sweet. Then she said several times that she is from Chicago and she has no idea why or how she ended up in la jolla at Sunset………William started high school. He seems to like it. I need to connect with him soon…..I always feel an absence when I have not had a one on one connection with one of my children……..Of course Kaylee loves her teacher and her teacher loves her……and Jac the same…..They are such good kids and easy going…Except sometimes to me. Jac is a mister know it all…..I finally just let him think that he is always right because it is a no win situation….I mean he is smart and often he is right but when it is something that I know very well…..I just give it up…..Leaving my ego at the door which works well for me…….I have had some fun lately……you know me not late night fun but getting out. On Sunday I met friends at the Brig and I met Greg Kinnear there. He was super cool, We watched the beautiful sunset….Then last night I went to taco tuesday with some friends and was home by nine……Had some fun, attention and connecting……..I have been super busy with work, the kids, their school, keeping my house, laundry and organizing not to mention painting, working on my invention, cooking and shopping…..but I am handling it all and having some fun as well.