It Hit Me

by Amy Cubbison on December 20th, 2008

I go strong for a few days and then I am so tired, I can hardly think straight. Not to mention I had a lot of drama lately-oh I know you are so surprised. My drama is different than most girls’ drama-for the most part. Mine mainly entails me doing to much, giving to much and then getting hurt or someone not being whom I really think they are. Anyways on top of that the home life has been stressful and then William had a meltdown last night. So today I am mentally and physically exhausted. You know when I miss a party that is true. This is a family get together.

One of the things I am trying to change but want to change in a healthy balanced way is self-sacrifice myself more for my children. I do in some ways but If I really want something and or really want to do something it does not come easy. Needless to say, Wills hates parties and hates when I have people over. He hates it so much that he makes my life miserable. anyways he is sooooooooo happy we are not going to the party tonight.

I feel like I am welcoming the holidays but at the same time looking forward to peace, and finding harmony and clarity in my heart and life. I am sure most people want that. I want it more than usual, at New Years, This is the year I am NOT going to make the same mistakes and do the same thing. I have the feeling right now that I want to pull away a bit and sort of be reclusive and how healthy that will be for me. I have a lot of other thoughts on that subject and what has been going on but I will get in to that later. Oh, but when I was a bit hurt, I went to Kaylee’s Christmas play and party. It was so cute that It through my priorities in line again. I honestly had tears in my eyes and it moved me. That and I have also heard some very sad and tragic stories that make me feel bad for feeling bad-I wonder where Wills gets it?? Ha

I am having that feeling that I get probably once a month where I want to be loved and hugged so much. When a stranger touches me it makes me want to cry. I think part of that is familiar to a lot of mothers because we give and give. Giving is fine but it is the not being appreciated that kills me. Kaylee has been hysterical and acting like a teenager, no a smart teenager in her tiny little adorable body. I love her so much and I think how lucky she is to have someone or a mother that just loves her so much that it hurts. I wish I had that feeling when I was little. I also wish I had that feeling now. Yesterday when I took the boys to karate their teacher could tell I was feeling sad. He is super intuitive. He had a talk with the kids and today there is a noticeable difference. They also took their karate belt testing and passed. Wills and Jac have been getting along very nicely today and surprisingly there is peace.

We are not sure what we are going to do on Christmas Eve. I sort of want to have us just do dinner on our own, or go to friends. Then I had the thought to take my kids to feed the homeless. Anyways looking forward to seeing my family that is coming in to town. Time for the holiday movie.

From my-life

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