What Did I Do Now?
Got myself in a bind again.Hmmm, getting sort of familiar here. Oh well, thank God I have tons of stable relationships and friendships to show me I am more than capable of them. Things all happen for a reason. I want and need solidarity instead of filling my time with things, focus on myself in a healthy way and my family and closest.
Had a great day actually and felt peaceful. I can only be honest, be me, with faults and all and that is all I can do. I may be self absorbed but I never claimed to not be but I do try and be honest to myself and others. Dyane put it perfectly tonight she said, I fluxuated between being self absorbed, and focusing on someone else. If someone I love is in trouble or worried, I go full steam ahead to help them, when things are smooth I go back to analyzing myself. So what I am interesting to myself, ha . I can get lost in my own head for a long while. I just need to put that energy towards a good goal and helping the world and my business instead of analying my thoughts and feeling so deeply and so much…and just always come from love.
There are seasons, reasons and forever friends and sometimes we are not always sure which one they are but they all serve a purpose and I appreciate that. It is important to part in peace, love, forgivness and come from there to move on and grow. ..I have not been angry but shed tears. I am guilty of some but always claimed what I was guilty of and Lord knows I am far from perfect. ….enough about this.
Had the Ham’s over fo dinner tonight, and Gayle and Diane came by. Had a great night. we all watched Californication. That show is growing on me. It is a bit disturbing but good writing. anyways feeling close to God and in touch with myself again. Why does that seem to happen when something happens negative in my life? Hmm. I tend to get wrapped up in others and what is happening with them and how it is affecting ME to much, and then ignore what is important whether it is a close girlfriend or something else. It all takes away from me dealing with situations that need my attention.
My friend Michelle said to me today,”I am hanging out with girls as if I was a single person, and I am not.” What am I doing, and what was I doing? I also need to get much more comfortable being alone and quiet and not have to have constant socialization and stimulation. I do think I like a bit of drama because when I or others have emotion we are all feeling and to feel deeply is to b alive. I do have narcissitic qualities, I get more aware of them daily and I don’t want to be like that but then again are we not all guilty of that in some way shape or form? hopefully I will get to a place where I don’t have to or want think about myself so much and how I am effected. I guess because I am so interested in people and how they tick, that I also am constantly figuring out how I tick, and how I can improve and get better, but obviously I am not at the place yet where I can just accept me and not spend energy on my thoughts or behavior and therefore be more in the moment and more there for others. I am sure some of this is redundant but that is why I have a blog, to sort my feelings out, grow, and save memories for when my children are grown and we are old!