Sadness and still away

by Amy Cubbison on July 6th, 2009

Still back east but getting very homesick now. Except when I think of all the stuff that I have to deal with at home. I do miss my boys terribly. Kaylee and I just got back from Annapolis. We visited my childhood friend lisa. We had a blast. She has it made in the shade, I tell you. She truly has it all as they say. I am not jealous but happy for her. She has a good disposition and good self esteem. Anyways it probably would have been a better idea for me to just hang out with one of my friend’s than go visit family. Family is great but being here is bringing up a lot of issues for myself and my siblings, for different reasons. I am coming back though, clearer, and stronger so i guess it is all worth it. I also see why and how some of the patterns have evolved in my life or I have evolved too.
Kaylee has been an absolute joy. Today she played with hre cousin Olivia. She was the ring leader and once again I see she does not have a confidence problem but I just need to make sure that does not turn to much in to ego. Today she kept on saying to Olivia,”I am good at so many things, I am the best runner, and the best.” I though,”Uh oh.” As long as she realizes she is not best at everything and is kind to others than it is all okay. I have really enjoyed her company this trip. She bebops around town in her tuttu and boots with out a care in the world. I hope she always is like that.
Today we went to visit my father’s sisters Shirley, and Hossie. They live together in an assisted living center and are both in their eighties and not in great health. I was skeptical to see them because now I feel fragile to see anyone else suffering, but that is a backwards feeling I know. I sometimes feel that I pick up others suffering so much that I am no use to them. On my list………anyways I was really happy I went. I loved their home and they both looked well despite what others have said. I know my father will be happy to hear about them, and katie, Kaylee and I made them smile for a little while. I noticed my aunt kept on repeating herself, so then I realized it did not matter what I answered because she would not remember it anyways. I had a bit of fun with that. Always look on the bright side of life. I also kept on remembering pieces of art from when I was a little girl in her home. Mostly memories when my father was with me and separated from my mom. I would go to my aunts’ and he would lay on the couch and give me money to go buy a child’s most important assets-candy and gum. I felt love for my aunts and my father and also had the realization of the cycle of life and it is up to each one of us to be happy, give love to receive love.
My brother’s first wife Teddy, is dying of lung cancer, and his second wife’s ex died of liver cancer-all in the past two days. It is very sad to see and makes me want to slow down and grasp every second and savor every happy moment or even sad if it is authentic. Just to feel and be alive and communicative. All without being controlled by others all the while having good intentions and knowing those intentions. Sorry I am getting too deep and dipthereal. (is that even a word? or how to spell it.? it sounds good though) Back home tomorrow to give my kids lots of love and attention.

From my-life

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