highs and lows

today was full of highs lows…………..more lows than highs. I was filled with super nervous, anxious energy today for many reasons. Some money disputes have really hurt and interfeared with things but everyone said they happen and were bound to. I KEEP FEELING AS IF I AM GETTING STRONGER AND THEN THE NEXT DAY, I AM HIT WITH REALITY AND GET SADDENED. I DON’ TKNOW WHY I AM SO AFRAID OF THE TRUTH OR MY TRUTH. .TODAY IT IS A EFFORT TO ACCOMPLISH MY DUTIES AND TASKS. I DID TAKE A LUNCH BREAK WHICH WAS NOT NECESSARY BUT FELT GOOD TO CONNECT. I AM VERY GOOD AT AVOIDANCE. I HAD TONS TO DO MAINLY WORK, PACK AND ERRANDS BUT DID MANAGE TO HAVE A CRY WITH MY THERAPIST ON THE PHONE AND THEN ACCOMPLISH SOME ORDERS. THEN I COOKED DINNER FOR FRIEND’S AND FAMILY AND NOW I AM SITTING IN BED WITH KIDS AND HELPING THEM WITH THEIR HOMEWORK. THAT IS WHERE I FEEL THE MOST PEACEFUL THESE DAYS. I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT DAILY INSTEAD OF AVOID IT OR FIGHT IT. WILLIAM SOMETIMES PICKS ON ME AND THAT TRIGGERS ME BUT LATELY I THINK HE IS REALLY TRYING TO BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT IT. WE DO HAVE A THERAPY APPOINTMENT BOOKED AND I CAN’T WAIT TO IMPROVE ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. I HATE BEING THE VICTIM AND BEING WOUNDED, AND WOE IS ME, BUT THAT IS HOW I AM FEELING TODAY. EVERYTIME I GET HURT BY SOMEONE OR SEE THAT THE WORLD OR A PERSON IS NOT AS THEY SEEM, I GET SAD. ‘DONT GET SAD GET GLAD1′ THAT COMMERCIAL JUST POURED IN TO MY HEAD. I ALSO AM AROUND A FRIEND WHO IS SUPER CRITICIAL OF OTHERS, AND THAT STUFF ALWAYS TRIGGERS ME. I AM SO AFRAID OF PEOPLE BEING HYPER CRITICAL THAT IT MAKES ME FEARFUL. ALL GOES BACK TO THE SAME PLACE WHERE I NEED TO NOT BE SO INFLUENCED ON WHAT OTHERS SAY EACH DAY ABOUT ME, ETC . I HAVE THAT FEELING WHERE I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO PROTECT ME AND HOLD ME AND OR JUST LAY ON THE GROUND AND GIVE UP BUT I WILL NOT. I ALSO KNOW THIS WILL PASS, IT IS AND HAS BEEN A DIFFICULT TIME IN MY LIFE. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I AM TRYING TO WORK ON SOME DRAMA AVOIDANCE. WILLS AND I HAD A GOOD DAY, AND THEN A GOOD TALK AFTER SOME OF HIS CRITICISM HURT ME. IT IS AS IF HE IS ALWAYS LOOKING TO TELL ME HOW TO DO SOMETHING OR WHAT WENT WRONG AND I AM SO USE TO IT AND DEFENSIVE. NOT A GREAT RECIPE FOR PEACE.
TODAY KAYLEE HAD HER FIRST OFFICIAL PLAYDATE FROM A NEW FRIEND AT KINDERGARTEN. SHE WAS SO EXCITED. SHE THROUGH ME HER BACKPACK AND SAID,’ DON’T MISS ME, HERE IS MY BACKPACK TO REMIND YOU OF ME.’ HA……..I WAS SAD BUT HAPPY FOR HER. SOMEDAYS I JUST HAVE TO BE PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DROPPING THEM OFF ON TIME, WITH STUFF, PICKING THEM UP AND THEN TAKING THEM TO THEIR HOBBIES AND COOKING DINNER. THAT IS A LOT IN ITSELF, BUT IT SEEMS THAT MOST MOMS GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THAT DAILY. I DO WANT TO STOP BEING SO SOCIAL BUT I DO WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL OR DO SOMETHING ELSE TO HELP ME GROW INTERNALLY I SORT OF FEEL DISSAPOINTED IN THE CALIBER OF PEOPLE OUT THERE LATELY. NOT SURE IF THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES ARE COMING OFF FOR SURE OR JUST TEMPORARY.
TODAY I ALSO TOOK A NAP AND IT SEEMS LIKE THIS TIME OF YEAR, I ALWAYS WANT TO SLEEP MORE AND THEN BE COZY. IT FELT LIKE FALL TODAY. I LISTENED TO CHRISTIAN MUSIC ALL DAY TO TRY NAD FILL MY HEART UP. SORRY TO BE NEGATIVE BUT TIRED AND TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY. LOTS TO DO AND SAD ABOUT MOVING AND ALL OF THE BIG CHANGES AND DECISIONS I NEED TO MAKE. XO