Come from Love or Fear

by Amy Cubbison on October 20th, 2009

I have been coming from mostly love lately and feeling peaceful-that is until today. I think I am pmsing and the way my mind is overloaded with thoughts and fears, confirms that to me. I am taking the kids to the desert tomorrow, and that will be nice. I am a bit nervous about the drive and hopeful that friend’s will come with. I look forward to our house being all settled and set up.
I am feeling like money is going out quickly and it makes me nervous. There are so things that need to be done but there are also business things that need to be done but are costing me more than I am use to. I guess I just get fearful of really failing and or really succeeding. They both are scary especially at this time I am trying to have some peace and quite and figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life, and improve my life structure and parenting techniques.
The kids are off for two weeks for fall break, as I mentioned. Today was one of those sort of whiny, hectic days. I took the kids to lunch and they were out of control and making a mess. A friend was with us, that has not been around this and it made me nervous. It is like someone seeing how hectic your life is, and or seeing you at the worst. I was feeling so many feelings and just overwhelmed on what to act on. I also am having to stand up for myself and stand outside my comfort level and that is not fun. What is that old quote, “that which does not kill me, makes me stronger.”
Went to biblestudy today and felt like a hethen with all the woman there who’s faith is unshakable. They all were talking about the end of the earth coming, which is always very inspiring, to say the least.
I got khanned (spelling?) in to taking my kids back to frigen target, because they forgot to put Kaylee’s toy in oour bag the other day. Then I could not find the receipt so had to go and purchase the toy again. Ugh! Then they all said I owed them money again…..I can’t keep it straight. I usually end up giving in. People smurk at me, all the while shopping at Target.
Kaylee just threatened to cut Jac if he would not watch Halloween town. She got sent to her room. She has been a little violent lately. Ofcourse she has her cuteness factor as usual. She has been collecting change and she say’s she has a thousand dollars. Then she offered to give me some money. She also told me that she is starting to really like her Kindergarten teacher and she is starting to get use to her. She always tells me little lessons her teacher has taught her.
I like having a smaller house for many reasons but the most important one is that I feel closer to my children, sometimes a bit too close, if you know what I mean. ha ha.
The people who bought our old house said that want us to bring back some of the planted pots that were originally there. Find it kind of funny to pick on such a minor thing but oh well.
Jac is soccer crazy. All he wants to do is watch English soccer.
Kaylee is playing with her new playdough set and doing it in the tv room. I have to get the kids to keep this house tidy. I am trying to nix them eating in the tv. room but it has not been easy. When I raise my voice at them about making a mess, they act as if I am screaming like a maniac. They have no idea. Kids are great manipulators, I have learned the hard way. ….or atleast my kids, they often outsmart me or outtire me. h
Watching my kids play with Tonis’ kids brought back lots of memories of me being a child, and playing in the yard with the neighborhood kids. It was cute.
While moving I came across some old pictures that made me smile and or feel sentimental. I saw pictures of my mother and father in Arizona. Man they are hot. My father looks like Jack Lalane. I also saw a picture of my parents and myself at one, and they looked so savvy and fashionable. Then I had a dream about my mother wearing an amazing outfit and looking back when she was my age. Then ofcourse i saw pictures of me as a little girl and was struck by how much I look like Kaylee and how cute I was. That was until the ugly teens settled in for a few years.
Kaylee told me that I need to get something for my occasional snoring because she is tired of jabbing me all night. Ha ha.
My friend Toni came over today and did biofeedback on me. It is a machine that is suppose to clear your mind and calm ones brain waves. So far it has not overtaken my crabby pms mood. It is suppose to be equivalent of an hour nap.
Kaylee just made me a icecream sundae out of her playdough kit so……….I better go and eat it.
Getting nervous about my party and all that has to be done prior to but hey it gives me a deadline which is good. Today I am feeling greatful for enjoying my children and seeing how they need me, and are very little still, and loving their nonsensical minds that children do have. So cute. Night. oh and one more thing, today showed me that it is one thing to like someone or think they are great after a few months but it is another to think that and act like that after many years and seeing all of their good and bad qualities, or good and bad times.

From my-life

Leave a Reply

Note: XHTML is allowed. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS