Missing you

by Amy Cubbison on July 23rd, 2011

I am missing a lot of people today for some reason……I miss Eugenia my old therapist that passed away, so much. She was someone who really unconditionally cared about me. I never got to say goodbye or go to her funeral and speak…..I think my mother wanted to protect me but I would have liked to………I also am thinking of childhood friends, or people I lost touch with (yes it does happen sometimes)….anyways………..A friend of mine is having a hard time and that is effecting me, as should be expected………….It is bringing up a lot of things for me……………Saw Bridesmaids the other day……..Yes funny but not as funny as I anticipated. I had to high of expectations and not to mention serious thoughts in my head (yes it does happen) i would not like someone to throw a scene at my shower….but I did have some good laughs. There were some big ironies in it as well………When i got married I was so young and not in to household items. I asked my mother if I could register clothes. She literally had to drag my hang and bring me through the registry and I just picked what she said, with no passion or intention. That is how the entire wedding really was. She did all of the planning because i had no interest so……..whenever I go to a wedding or have attended one, where the bride was so happy and carefully selected everything-i get a twinge of jealousy…….Infact when my childhood best friend got married and did not miss a trick or detail, I felt like the girl in Bridesmaids. To many nobody would get that because my wedding was very nice and at the La Valencia, so I sound silly saying this but….feelings are feelings and interpretations are interpretations…….So here I am her maid of honor-she flies in her skinny, tall, beautiful friends that all had gone to great colleges, and had great degrees. Ofcourse the bridesmaids dress was full and made me look so dumpy…..I just remember being so full of envy and jealous of her friendship with her college friends…..Now it seems so silly to me but I related it to the movie BRidesmaids…………….Kaylee woke up this morning telling me of a funny dream. She said to someone,’Is that rattatouille? And they said,” NO it is a crab.” Then she got scared cuz they put the crab in her face………ha…………We went to dinner with friends last night. It is the place that I went the night of my accident. I may be paranoid or thinking this but some of the people who work there, don’t seem so friendly. I think they maybe have passed judgement on me for my behavior when I was going down the spiral until my accident…..oh well can’t make everyone like me……………..I keep wanting to write about william, but i am not allowed to…………..Going to take the kids to lunch today in la jolla to see my parents. That will be nice……I miss them…………..Had a sad dream last night. I was in my old house crying my eyes out, saying I miss it so much!!!! I have that dream often. Maybe because a lot needs to be done and fixed around my new home……….I am feeling pressure and stress about some things and I am feeling like I want to run away……..figuratively speaking…….but I wont…….

From my-life

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