A mother’s guilt

by Amy Cubbison on November 20th, 2011

I dont think you could possibly understand a mother’s guilt, shame, regret and fear unless you have children, and are a mother. The problem is, it is difficult to separate what is accurate and what is us just baggering ourselves…….Like yesterday Kaylee was sooo cranky because she did not sleep the night before. It was so tiring and annoying that I was sort of yelling at her (for me) my nerves were getting shot..sometimes during the day with one kid or three, I think to myself-This is the hardest job I have ever had to do. It is but the most rewarding……I just have made mistakes as all moms, and I don’t want to continue to make them. Again I have to decipher what is reality and what is me being to sensitive and empathetic……I admire so many of my friends for the job they do at mothering….I know I love, kiss and adore really well but i need to remember that they need the structure, and consistency. I am a free spirit, as much as you can be being a mother, but the most important thing to me is being a great mother. I want to raise my kids with self love, and do what they love and treat others with respect. I know I have done that so far, pretty good.-just from what others say about my children, and their talents, and kindness…..I guess what is triggering all of this fear-is the conversation I had with a mother last night. Her 19 year old daughter is not talking to her, and lives with her sister……She is heart broken, and I fear that . I hope to God I have a good relationship with my children when they are older, and can make it through the teens……The mother had a very history and not parallel to mine but you never know. I also think the change in William’s behavior is scary to me….I need to read more parenting books and take more parenting classes…..I scratched Kaylee on the face last night an I felt horrible. It was an accident but just to hurt my child in anyway is so painful. I told her I would rather hurt anybody else in the world than my children..:(. ……..Even though I want to be all positive my country song is continuing…..my garbage disposal is broke, my dish washer and my breaks…..ugh……. That is what happens when someone goes from their parents to their husband…………..I went to a group the other night-one of mine that help me with boundaries, creating and maintaing a balanced life. I am always so touched to hear others stories……I feel for each and every person in there. I remember my dad use to help and love others easily and I felt left out a bit . Now I see that there is no comparison to the love of a child or the love that grows over the years……so that is something i need and do communicate to my children……I don’t ever want them to think they come second to my friends………Another thing that has been on my mind that should be forefront on my list to change is how open I am…I set myself up for hurt and criticism by putting my heart, and mind out there. Then I feel bad. Thin skin. I have this thing that drives me about being honest all of the time, but sometimes that hurts others or encourages others to judge me. I like that challenge of someone believing i am a certain way and then changing and growing to like me. (like in sales) . I feel like a fraud if I don’t tell others that I am financially struggling or seeing others, or anything for that matter. I always wanted to be mysterious and I guess sometimes I am because I do play some immature games sometimes but I catch them shortly afterwards…..bottom line is I want and try to give unconditional caring and love and not judge, and I wish that others could follow in those steps…….BUT i need to respect when They don’t want to , or want to keep things more private……..I feel like I have been so social lately and just need to have more time by myself to once again gain clarity and peace……

From my-life

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