Beautiful day

by Amy Cubbison on April 1st, 2012

One thing that is constant and true is one never knows what is in store for them before the day begins…I am saying this because often I wake up dreading something, or bored, or even excited. It does not always have to be a negative thought. Sometimes it is a positive thought that leads to a let down. My point in saying this is a new day brings a lot of new options. Options to meet a new person, to connect with someone, to learn a valuable lesson, to see a blast from the past, to have an old memory resurface. I am often amazed at how I look back on my day, as it comes to a close. This morning I woke up dreading some things I have to do. I usually wake up happy, but I also do know I dread things I feel as though i have to do!  So you could call me somewhat lazy and somewhat of a procrastinator. That is why I always say fake it until you make it, or just step up…….I am reminding myself. We all need to understand how we run, and what motivates us-then use that to make things happen……I have been feeling somewhat moody. Think there are a few factors, but mainly probably not taking care of myself and listening to myself. I recognized that I really need to do nothing more often, and be alone more often. I also realize the absence of Church and God in my life. My kids have been going with their father, which makes me very happy. I have been on the look out for a new church. I have always wanted to try a love based church. I have heard of Seaside Community church. I have been procrastinating, about going. It always takes me a while to tell myself I am going to do something until  I finally do it. So today I made it to church. I went alone, which was a good thing for me to get use to. I think I  was more comfortable being alone when I was younger. Being married so many years, has made me use to not being alone. I think it is very important to always make time alone. At any rate, I really enjoyed the church. I am not going to lie, when I first walked in, the crowd was somewhat different than the fancier churches I have been to….However the pastors message was filled with my beliefs, about life and love. He also said so many profound things that were new insights to me. I did not have a pen, to my dismay and so now I am racking my brain to try and salvage them. …….It was a great start to a day, and I found another missing component in my life, to create peace, stability, strength and humanity……….After church I took Kaylee and Jac, to la Jolla to see my parents. We took a walk to the beach. It was a beautiful, blusterous, sunny but windy day . That is my favorite kind of day.. The ocean was topsy, turvy and turbulent, smelling of crisp fall like ocean air. After that we went to lunch, at Sammy’s. On our way home Jac convinced me to take him to look at the Lambordini -Ferrari store. He wanted to show me the car that he is going to buy when he becomes a soccer star. He also showed me how he is going to autograph his name.  I do know he is great at soccer. He lives breathes, and eats it. I think it is awesome for him to have big dreams, and in the worst scenario, Jac will have soccer as a passion his entire life-and through that stay out of trouble, and always have something for work or his hobby that brings him joy…………..got Kaylee a phone for ten dollars. SHe is hilarious on it. She gets more calls than me. It is so comical to hear Kaylee talk to her little friends…………..So today I made a few personal, professional goals for myself.  Some of them are private and others not……..I am having the urge to take a facebook break. I probably will return but not to the extent I am on it now…..I need to start doing things for myself and my family without an audience or being somewhat voyerisitic to give me the energy, or desire to express myself………I have the thought to break away from Facebook, enough times, so that it is something that means something to me……..A friend whom I really don’t see that often at all, said to me once,” Why do you feel the need to  express or talk about most things you are feeling and doing?” That comment hurt me but now I can reflect back on it, to realize without ego, that the comment hurt because it was true…….Sometimes self awareness takes a little longer to sink in…………My eyes are closing and so I will conclude this entry. I realize the more time I spend alone, and the more time, I sit with discomfort, the more that my self worth and esteem is going to come from inside me, and not from extraneous things…………….My dad was out of it this morning and could not follow  my conversation. It was heart breaking for me, but he does have good days and bad days……It was nice to spend time with my Mother and Father, and the kids really enjoyed it………..Oh and I was humbled as a mother today.  Sometimes we learn the biggest lessons from our children. Kaylee and Jac were going to play a joke on my mother . THey were going to drive this battery operated car in the kitchen, using a remote control, as it was driving by itself……Due to the complication of how I thought this was going to play out, I preempted my mother on what was going to partake…….My mother had seen the note with their plan on it anyways.  Instead of letting their April Fools joke flounder or succeed, I intervened and explain to my mother what they were trying to do……Kaylee and Jac heard me tell their plan to my mother and both were upset with me……I was getting trying to make the kids happy that their trick worked, because I did not feel it would. In doing that I hurt Kaylee and Jac’s feelings and they felt that I did not believe in them…….Humbling lesson, and a reminder to me, to let things flow in life, and let others face their repercussions for better or worse……

From my-life

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