Mourning

by Amy Cubbison on October 17th, 2012

For the past few days I have awoke, feeling sad, and a lil anxious, on top. :)…..I then remind myself that I am preparing and mourning my father…….What i witnessed the other day was very scary and thought/fear provoking……So i am doing all of the things that help me through and give me clarity… Cardio, weights and yoga, meditation, Blogging, and connecting with dear friends, and family….Now that I sort of got layed off, from my volunteering for not being the best cleaner. ha ha. I have some time on my hands…..So after fall break I am going to not only focus on my tshirt business but work for my brother or find something that fills me up with purpose……I want to sign up for a class but getting a job while kids are in school…..will be good for me financially and emotionally………I have been having coffee talk with Tracy most mornings……Just like old times. I help her and watch her get dressed for work in the morning….I love it…….It seems like I have been going back to my long time childhood friends. I have been hanging out with Angela a lot. She is a great mom and I love her . THe best friendships are those that you KNOW that every intention is for your best and theirs as well……Sometimes I get lonely in the interim but I hang out with my girls, and that helps……plus good ol Lou, who is not so good these days cause all he talks is politics…….I also like attending groups where people connect and I can continue to grow on the inside out……..I decided i am going to reread some Classic English literature……the romantic ones……I feel like I need to put myself back in to educating mode and learn. Learning is something that always makes life more interesting and exciting to me…………..What I find most difficult about my father being on hospice is that we are not suppose to take him to the hospital when that can help…….My heart is broken over this……..I will never forget the way my father was looking at me in the hospital bed the other day, He would look up and stare and then rub my hair or try and blow me a kiss…….At the worst point he was failing in my arms……His eyes were going no where and he was not responding to me…….:( . I am not sure if I blogged about this, as the past week is sort of foggy but if i did.Who effin cares? ha ha………………..I have been having that feeling of getting a puppy that will sleep with me, and love me unconditionally…..That is always when I am feeling a lil scared of life, or vulnerable….Then I remember most puppies are hyper and I have never been good at training them……………..Kaylee’s cheer is coming to an end. A good experience but I think she will go back to gymnastics…..One thing that sort of makes me realize it is not for her, is she cries to not go to practice……ya think?? ha ha……..Kaylee had a tummyache so I got her from school….Although she seems just fine now….In fact when I picked her up from the nurses office, she was with two other classmates under a blanket……I asked the nurse if they had a test or a sub.? ha. Kaylee said they caught a cold from a kid in their class today……Hmmm. That is pretty darn quick…………Heard some sad news yesterday about a local mom dying…..I did not know her but it hits close to home. She was my age and she had children my age…….I dont want to write about it as it is gossip but a very sad story,,,and once again shows me how fragile and special life is……

From my-life

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