Sad but day of Evolving.

by Amy Cubbison on September 2nd, 2018

Today was a sad day as a long time friendship has ended. It is not my choice but i will not stay where i am not wanted or appreciated and the other is not willing to work on it. On a more positive note- I had a long conversation with my longest friend-we met at one year old and have been friends ever since. Talking to her is like air to breath for me. She will not hurt me intentionally and she will never leave me nor I to her. We laughed and.🙂 Today we were talking about childhood random memories that only two people who grew up together could share. Funny innuendos-some she remembered and some she did not and vica versa. To be honest is one of the things I love about Jean is she gets me. She also knows my heart and her saying that to me means I am okay. I also knows that she has a good heart, is a great mother and person. It is validating on both sides. If anyone has seen the best and worst of me, it is she. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. I was telling her about an incident that was life changing for me when we were twenty three. She had moved here from back east with her college room mate Kristen. They both had just graduated. I was very envious that they had graduated and I had not yet at the time. I was also envious that she and Kristen were single and free and would go to various places and out all of the time. I was married a the time and in school. I felt some anxiety when i was with Jean and or both of them. I was not sure where this discontentment came or why i felt not worthy but i know I did not like the feeling. One day I said something to Jean and she responded-‘ why would you and do you often say things to hurt me?” Wow…………..When she said that it hit a raw nerve in me and I sobbed for days. I Had realized that I was being passive aggressive with her and giving her jabs to make her feel bad and me feel better…….the only thing it was not making me feel better and i had not realized that she was aware of this. I felt so bad because it brought in to light how much I had not addressed my true feelings to her and covered them up in various ways. Once i owned that and apologized profusely to her, only then i could dig deeper and see where it was coming from. It was a huge lesson for me in my life and I also realized where it came from. I had been around people in my life who were passive aggressive and gave me digs but i did not realize i also was passing on that negative trait. I now know when i say something passive aggressive, own it and apologize. I hope i described this in a way that was beneficial to you. I am an open book and trying to keep some things private and for myself but my nature is to share…………

From my-life

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