Honesty-my path

by Amy Cubbison on November 2nd, 2018

Progress not perfection. i can only compare myself against myself. Nobody understands exactly what it is like to be me.

Thirty years ago I: did not think anyone would ever marry me
i felt like i had to dress up cute to be cute
i felt like i was not smart
i made fun of myself and created a safe place to make others laugh while i hurt doing so
i thought i had every disease in the book
i saw my body flaws as if they were magnified
I over exercised and had weight issues
it was a good day when the scale was down
i felt that i had to constantly do charity work and extras to have people and myself believe i was a good person and okay
i shopped to fill my void and my pain
if someone did not like me i did everything in my book to make them
i let people use me, steal from me and treat me like shit
i felt it was my job to make everyone around me happy even my parents
i worried about my parents dying
i was looking for love in all of the wrong places
my decisions were based on fear
i felt like even if my life was not where i wanted it, i had my whole life ahead of me and a miracle would happen
I felt that one day someone would understand me for me
I craved intimacy with friends and men but i was not sure how to get there
I was not sure how to pay a bill or balance a check book
i had so many feelings inside but i was not sure how to express them
i did not understand that i was an empath
i began exercising daily and never stopped
if someone treated me poorly or spoke to me poorly, I would just take it and then cry
I was constantly late and or rescheduling
i had envy to others
I was not happy with my life decisions but i did not know how to create change
I loved and trusted everyone
i left men use me

SO TODAY I AM A MOTHER OF THREE, AMAZING CHILDREN. I AM IN GRADUATE SCHOOL TRYING TO HAVE A CAREER AND CREATE INDEPENDENCE I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS. I STAND UP FOR MYSELF TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND HAVE MUCH MORE CONFLICT. I KNOW MYSELF AND I KNOW MY TRUE INTENTIONS. I HAVE THE SAVING GRACE OF BEING AUTHENTIC AND OWNING ALL MY POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR. I UNDERSTAND THAT NOBODY HAS THE SAME PATH AND IF SOMEONE ELSE WERE IN MY SHOES THAT THEY WOULD UNDERSTAND ME MORE. THAT SOME THINGS ARE MY FAULT AND OTHERS ARE NOT. IF I FELT LOVED AND VALUED AT AN EARLY AGE, I WOULD OF BLOSSOMED MUCH EARLIER. I HAVE ADD AND AM AN EMPATH-TWO THINGS THAT ARE TRUE BUT DONT COMPLETELY DEFINE ME. I AM GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE AND HOW I HAVE GROWN. I

I STILL HAVE A WAYS TO GO BUT I NEVER WANT TO STOP EVOLVING. I HOPE MY DAD CAN SEE MY DOWN FROM HEAVEN AND BE PROUD. NOW I JUST HAVE TO WORK ON FEELING PROUD OF MYSELF EVEN WHEN LOVED ONES OR OTHERS AROUND ME ARE NOT AND KEEP ME IN THE SAME BOX I WAS IN YEARS AGO.

From my-life

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