I exposed to much of myself not physically for a change and to my mother’s dismay but emotionally…..I guess trying to be more private is going to take some real work as well……..I am find when I am doing okay but when I get intense emotion and feeling, then I want to let it out…..in hopes to clarify……….My roomate loved a letter she saw me write and she said she wants to invest with me, in starting a greeting card company….ha ha. I had someone years ago that suggested that………….So lets’ talk positive…………..Don’t faint but I cleaned my entire room today and organized all five thousand of my clothes, belts, shoes and hats..OMG…….Once again humility…My friends all say to me, Save me what you don’t want……Now I sort of need to sell the good stuff……..So Kaylee had a tummy ache today and apparently Wills was sick-so I spent the wonderful day with them……..Kaylee layed down and continued working on her room. I was a maniac in clean/organize mode…..It felt and feels so good……then I took William and Kaylee to lunch at Chipolte and to get a haircut……..William needs his haircut every two weeks now but he is softening on me, and more appreciative …I told Kaylee since her hair is in a constant dreadlock, that we need to cut it….and we did………Five inches and layered….So cute…..Between Kaylee and William looking at themselves in the mirror today…..vanity….where do they get it??? Speaking of vanity the other day, I went to lunch with my friend Mark, and I accidentally wore a shirt that was a tiny bit see through……..I honestly did not KNOW this but I was wondering why the waiter was soooo nice to me………I asked Mark if he knew him. He was throwing free things all over the place…….It was hilarious………so people are coming over for dinner and I need to serve them my beef stew ala amy….I made it up and added rudabega……parnsips, ……carrots, brussel sprouts………beef, onions, garlic and potatoes…………Gotta run, and entertain…..xo

I mean lost in east vista………..I know there are beautiful parts of vista but where jac’s games are, it is not beautiful…and it is so far away….I sound like a dumb blonde but I get fricken lost there all of the time. I hope all jac’s games are not there…..They did win or I mean cream the other team 19 to 1. Jac scored three goals. It was just comical because I had Kaylee and her bff Marina and they were freaking out because I was lost. Marina asked how much longer, and I replied five, and she said,”You said that forty minutes ago.’ I was trying to keep it cool but I started to get worried and frustrated, swearing under my breath. Marina was getting car sick and having panic attacks about windy roads and trees…and then kaylee was following in her footsteps. Once we got there we all had a lil chuckle about the drive…..Then Kaylee and Marina told us that Dyane got lost going to escondido last week and they were scared……..ha ha…………….Had a nice time with my babies this weekend………Now today Super Bowl party at Nic’s boyfriends house………:) Grilling….btw who is playing the Patriots??? ha ha………………………..Yesterday Kaylee and Marina told me when and if I meet Justin Beeber to tell him that they hate him……oh and if I meet Selena Gomez to tell her that they think she is beautiful……..I have an oscar swag giveaway this month and they are having wishful thinking………….So life is pretty good pending on my test results………Tshirts are doing well, I am feeling more confident and deserving of love, and I have great people in my life………….plus I am reminded of how lucky I was at one time and now I appreciate it more…….

Well my life has certainly been from rags to riches lately…….At least rags to me……My friend has this new boyfriend who is generous and awesome . They invite me everywhere especially to fine dining…….My favorite Pamplemouse last night………Feast of famine……I can handle things being tougher when continuing to have fun and visit the good life…………….Today I had my biopsy on my breast. I was so scared and had to go alone at last minute………I am happy it is over and now I am anxious for the results……if good scratch one illness of my list for a while…….Then I will have to deal with some of the other things I have been procrastinating on. The lab tech, was a nice woman who could tell I was scared. She kept her hand on my leg the entire time. It was very comforting……..anyways have to wait four or five business days to hear…..Hopefully good news……..I keep hearing so many sad stories of cancer, death and illness. One of my b.f.f. Dyane just got diagnosed with a acid reflux disorder….She has to completely change her diet and limit wine to one or two glasses a week, no acid food, and no coffee…..well let me tell you, she is also the one telling me about the deaths, and can be a hypochondriac……..so Our conversations are just so upbeat. ha ha. I am teasing her. I know it is a stage……The other day I promised my kids to bring them special sandwiches from Subway and such….I completely forgot and the were starving when their dad came…..Parental guilt and regret is painful…..every decision i make hastily or comment I say, makes me worry of the repurcussions ………..Saw my father today. He looks good. He was so upset that he could not stay for my surgery. He was yelling . IT touched my heart that he just wanted to make sure I was okay……..I am craving love, and acceptance from my mother, as I have done often…..She is being super tough love on me and it hurts…..I am making changes but obviously not as fast as she wants…….I have dreams where I am crying for her and others to love me..:( and accept me…………I had a dream i was Marilyn Monroe last night-or playing her in a play and my favorite part was when I was in long gown or spinning around on a stage that rotated and was admired….and I was proud of my performance…………….I have done a lot of laughing lately with my friends…..Love to laugh. I was explaining to one of my friends how insecure I was when I met my husband of twenty some years. I was so afraid for him to get bored, or not be having fun….I felt like I was on for the first ten years together and I did not stop talking or entertaining…….We laughed at that although it is a bit sad….I have come a long way from doing that ever again……even though I have done some back tracking……………….Yesterday I was going on you tube and sending songs that meant something to me, to a lot of friends…….I was choked up with sentimentality but yea that is weird for me……..ha ha

If you continually give, you will continually have…..That is my love horoscope today………I like it…………So I have been on mini vacations with family in town and friends in town……..now it is time to real it in again….I like realing it in, and I like being mellow….Infact I have only a couple plans in next few weeks, so that feels nice…….My babies are in bed with me right now, and there is no place I’d rather be. I look at their faces and kiss them……I am savoring the moment because I know soon , jac will be to old an not want to stay with kaylee and I. I feel filled up as spent the day with them yesterday….as I always say oxygen to my veins………Last night I made a delicious dinner (i outdid myself, if I must say) Made this John Dory fish which is my new favorite. One of the resolutions that I am following now, is eating tons of vegetables and juicing. Anyways when we sat down at the dinner table, we played an old game I use to play with my mother. A my name is Amy, and my husband’s name is al, We come from alabama, and we sell apples. YOU go through the entire alphabet. It just reminds me how fun games are and how they help me connect to my children. Jac was being quiet at first and the game opened him up. Jac misses his daddy a lot. He is so attached to him…….Jac has a game tonight and we will be there in tim buck to…….freezing to watch him do what he loves most…………….I have to get up and make pancakes (gluten free) but a few funny things et al……..before I go……….Kaylee was in the bath tub last night and she asked me to get her some cucumbers for her eyes…..?? I am going to kill Lauren……ha………..I am working with A client today and excited about that. NExt week I am on my own with two…..yay! I also am doing LeaveMeB stuff with Charlene this morning, and we have a lot of orders….so another yay!…….My roses are blooming like crazy out front….yay, yay……………My brother and his fiance are so happy, and everything is going their way, and I am happy for them but it is very difficult to see…..(no yay)………..Kaylee had lipstick on yesterday and I asked her if she put it on, and she said it accidentally fell on her lips………ha ha………………………I keep having little moments of liking myself and relying on myself more, which feels really good………………Tomorrow I have a biopsy on my breast, so I am nerviouso……………..My friend’s parents have been dying all over the place, and that makes me very scared and sad………………….

SO I looked and I did not write about my father’s BIrthday Dinner. YOu can tell I am home sick as I have time to blog…..ANyways as you know my entire nuclear family came out for my father’s birthday dinner. It was so nice to have the family in town. It just reminds me of how much I miss having them around. We really do have a great family and we really do love eachother..Anyways my mother had it catered in style as usual. Kids were invited but William blew us off as a typical teenager. Lou drove us as he is from PHilly as well as knows a lot of the same places where we all grew up. He also has a lot of family back there and my siblings enjoyed talking with him. His little girl Angelina sang as well as Kaylee. It was a beautiful night, moment, and dinner. THE fire was lit, wine was being served with delicious appetizers while Fiddler ON the Roof played. One of my father’s favorite musicals. It was a really pleasant night and I think my father really enjoyed himself. He seemed tired and had to go to be early but it was a fabulous night. When I was massaging my father’s feet, my brother David came in and Said to our dad,’Pops I love you now stick around until I come back in April for Peter’s wedding. ” Ofcourse that brought tears to my eyes………..

So I am staying in bed for the day to hopefully get rid of my cold, before it turns it to a mean cold. I have not been sick in a while so I am trying to look at the bright side of it. (ha ah) as lou said i would probably find something good about being in a concentration camp……I do think that it is nice to lay in bed, eat soup, watch movies, and read, while I have NO Guilt, is a good thing. I mean I am not sick where you can just lay your head down on the pillow……I have been there and dont miss it………Among the recent thoughts that have been lingering in my head, are ones of total health. Not just mental but physical. I am remembering what it felt like and was like to feel and live a life of complete health. It felt great. i have picked up some of my old habbits like drinking lemon and water in the morning, and water throughout the day. I am trying to juice and do wheatgrass. I have always exercised but need to mix it up a bit, and do more weight training. I definitely see how the clock fights gravity. Lets just say i like good lighting ha ha. My breasts are fricken huge because I am pmsing. I feel like I am a double d…….I also have cut back on my evening wine, but definitely not as i had planned. I have had family and friends in town and that has put a damper on it. I just want to get back in to all healthy routines. I also want to eat tons of fruit and vegetables. I am beginning to have a love affair with vegetables again…………It is quite fun!…………I am not going to do the community service thing again as my back can’t handle it. I look forward to the community service thing because part of my past and never revisiting again………..Kaylee told me yesterday that her thermos was to grown up and she was being teased about it. My heart went out to her. I remember being teased and it was not fun. It reminded me of when I brought a huge designer white luggage to our Sixth grade camping trip and everyone had backpacks. Everyone kept on laughing at me……..One of many……….So I told Kaylee we will get her a child thermos however she is so over princesses. She is cleaning out her room as we speak and emptying everything (guess where) in to my room. She say’s she still likes it but wants it to be in my room…….Just like William did as he decided bionicles were not cool, or Jac when he got over Batman etc. ha ha……I was going to clean my room today but as I said I am going to be like Bruno Mars and do Nuttin at all…….wish he was with me doing Nuttin. ha

Uh oh I feel like I may be catching a cold….They always sort of creep up on me, when I have completely forgotten that being sick exists….Then it reminds me of the worst days I have had being sick and how much I hate it….Today all my family socializing caught up with me, and I felt run down…..I managed to work some and get myself to Haute yoga but then was pretty much spent….I enjoyed being with my babies after school, took Kaylee to gymnastics, and then spent some one on one with the William . I took him to his favorite place, Chipolte and he was really sweet. I think spending time alone is the ticket…………..My little Kaylee said some humorous things today, as usual. All the while she dressed for school, in anklet, ties, twists, jewels…..and all of her fashion flare. I love her style. William told me today that I compliment her too much. I said, “Well life will beat her down enough and she has a caring heart.” I am a proud mama……I told him I compliment them all, and my main goal is for them to believe in themselves without sacrificing natural effort………….Jac’s team won soccer on saturday although Kaylee and I never made it there until the game was over……I took a wrong turn and ran in to parts of vista that i never knew existed . There were so many streets and long roads that allowed no uturns, and me trying to be the law abiding citizen , ended up in timbuck two…(where did that come from) I guess it is time for me to learn my gps……I have had a lot of ephiphanies this week=several times I stopped myself from saying or doing the wrong thing, or something that may be misconstrued. It is refreshing and progress for me. I am starting to think what would happen if……….As I said Kaylee told me this morning that she learns so much at home from Lauren, about rock and fashion, Sandra about math, and me about caring and loving…so she is home schooled and does not have to go anymore…Ha. She is giving this home school thing and effort……….I felt tired today and then maxed out on feeling like everybody wants something from me…..Then I started feeling like I was getting a cold. that is always the indicator when I feel really stressed one day or cranky, the next day appears a cold. Cuz it does not happen a lot. There are a lot of people, I need to express my boundaries to. I always forget how good i feel when I clear the air….I read some of one of my bibles-”Codependent no more.” …..Kaylee acts like lauren is her sister sometimes. She tells her to wear her hair down and put on lipstick before we go out. ha…………..Along with my one epiphany today I kept on thinking about how many times I would blow so much money on Ruth Chris dinner’s and not even think it was that much money……I had delusions of Grandur….Damn I hope and pray that I get that chance and luxory again and I will be much different in how I spend my money and share my money………….Did i write about my father’s bday party? I am not sure…..I will read and if not write about it tomorrow………One last thing Today Jac and Kaylee had a little disagreement. I was so interested in watching these two little people work it out. I had my head turned and was smiling and Jac said to me,”Mommy what are you doing? Mind your own business.” ha ha ….I am laying in bed listening to mushy music on pandora, feeling a lot of things, and sentiment as I fall to sleep………..

I keep having this occuring thought to stop blogging……I need to listen to this…..i have been growing in so many ways but i think there is something healing about having a blog and about ending it…..It has helped me deal cathartically for the past three or four years, and preserved my children’s memories……so for that I will always treasure….and i will look forward to reading it when I am old and gray, hopefully still hot…..ha…….I will continue a private one and also work on my life funny stories book……..So today is my Dad’s birthday!! Happy Birthday Dad!! My mother is having a catered nice dinner party and my family from back east is in town…..It is going to be a special night…..The kids are all coming. They made cards and I am writing a poem and a speech…………….So much has been happening the past few weeks………good stories…..I guess the first one is the continuing roomate soap opera at home……It is entertaining…never lived with two woman very much and it is an experience….I did for a small while when I was in la jolla but I was really a kid then. As we all know I am a late bloomer………….None the less the lessons I am learning are priceless………I had to do community service the other day………It was very humbling. I have been procrastinating about it for a year……..I actually got a lot out of it. My back is hurting so I think I need to do something else but the day i did it-i will NEVER forget……..I love new experiences . Lou say’s I am the only one who would ever get something out of picking up trash and weeding the railroads……Ha lou said He would punish me when I do something wrong, but I would enjoy it to much. Ha…….I came out of the experience exhausted. I have never been so physically exhausted. The officer told me I was the worst raker in the world…I had never raked in my life….It was like a private Benjamin experience….I met great people, heard everyone’s stories, connected, learned to weed a bit, and met people I am going to hook up with jobs or such . I even met a pimp and got asked out a couple times…….Hilarious…….Anyways………..More humbling for me but again I got a lot out of it!! I kept thinking that people have to do this work all day everyday and how exhausting that would be-especially if they did not love what they are doing……..It opened my eyes….but I can tell you this I never appreciated a hot bubble bath and dinner more….Everyone wants me to post a pic with hard hat and vest on…

Uh oh, I made some bad choices and decisions and hurt some people yesterday. I hate the results of feeling and acting selfish…..I have a lot on my plate and my mind and running away temporary sounds appealing to me…….Just need a few down days and some more sleep as I was busy the past few days…….waking up next to kaylee was and always is amazing. I look at her sweet baby face sleeping and it makes me smile, even if my heart is not smiling that particular morning……………Today off to the gym and then lunch with parents and jac’s soccer tournament…………We did the GOlden globes show and that was fun but tiring. We left out early but accomplished a lot……….I have a busy work week…..Did I say that? and some more things to do that I have been procrastinating on………Kaylee just told me that she is going to enter a talent show, with her friend at school…..She is going to sing and dance. I hope she did not inherent Mommy’s voice….and did Daddy’s. It sounds much better than mine but we all worry about our children having the repercussions of failing. ALthough that is life teaching them the lessons the hard way. Which is what lou always say’s and many countries believe in more than we do in the us……..Lou and i have debates because we both see things very differently . I always get something out of our conversations though. Guy friends rock………I am craving simplicity and goodness in my life once again. I get there little by little but then sometimes need a lili adrenaline to remind me that I am alive. Btw my adrenaline is much more mild than others. My usually entails intense connections which when healthy are the key to living. I just need to have myself balanced and my heart and head in a good place….Kaylee and I are playing songs on Youtube. She loves Victorious. She is singing to all of the songs. I am enjoying watching her expressions all the while she sings….I did not see my babies for a few days adn that hurts my heart….I started worrying about the empty nest problem the other day and then I slowed myself down and reminded myself To Live in the moment!!!!!!

I woke up early this morning, and have been enjoying laying in my comfy bed….but have to get up kiddos soon…..I had a good night sleep last night. Kaylee is so cute. She sleeps with me and now we turn off the tv before nine and listen to the dive, and fall asleep peacefully..It is really nice especially because she likes to do it this way as well. We use to fight to turn tv off….when I was younger I had to have tv on to fall asleep and all night…..ugh, can’t imagine the brain washing I was getting..so that is my probem? ha ha. ………..Yesterday thought of two really good website ideas. I know I am feeling good when my creativity comes out…It is like the tranquil state of mind…..I am being much healthier and it feels so good…..lots of water and lemon, min to none vino, sweating at hot hoga and my Frog’s routine, eating only natural foods, and tons of veggies……plus I am listening to and reading some positive books to enhance my life, and taking quite time daily. I use to be so good at taking quiet time but i forgot how important it is…….anyways have some fun things to look forward to, which is always nice….and some things i am dreading….getting a biopsy on my breast..:( . I am scared but remaining positive……My daddy is content and home right now, so that calms my mind……..Last night Kaylee had a nightmare that everyone got yummy cake but her…awee……Kaylee started gymnastics again and she is beyond thrilled. She is so excited…..Her coach told her that she is gifted…..our athletic family…Had them all for dinner the other night and cooked. That was really nice…The kids love to all hang out………Last night one of my roomies, cooked meatloaf for dinner. It was really nice to have someone cook for me………….Some funny things and comments happened but they have escaped my mind……just like when I thought I lost my key and Sprouts and had everyone looking for it, and it was in my bra…….oopsy daisy…….