I have battles in my mind about this……There are pros and cons for having an open blog, and of course the negative aspects. I can’t write everything I want because others read my blog, including family. It is fine the first year but as the blog gets more popular, then it gets one in trouble (me). But on the positive, if there is any-being the somewhat exhibitionist I am, I like to express myself to close friends and apparently others. It gives me a sense of clarity, and although it is voueristic (spelling ?) for others and myself, that makes me write often…..I do think I need to have a more private one and then a public fun one …….As one of my friends called me out on today, is putting myself out there to much, and photos that may have a bit to much cleavage-i need to be more careful and as I say every week, more private………..Today I was taken for my fifteenth bday lunch……It was another longtime friend, whom I love and adore Cynthia. We went to El Callejon…….She loves all my stories………..You know that old projection I always talk about, or disliking something in another that is in ourselves ? well I hate that I know that because AGAIN everytime I judge or see something I dont like in someone else I find it in myself. I repeat this all of the time but it is baffling…….Like me struggling to pay bills for the first time in my life, and opportunities coming to me.Well it is much harder to not be tempted ……I am not doing anything wrong or illegal, i just have empathy for people who lived like this all of their lives….Tests of character daily…….Fortunately mine is short lived and my mother is just teaching me the reality and appreciation of money..which I have used, abused, and wasted and not valued………Now I am looking at prices of food and gas.etc……….anyways my continued country song….now car needs breaks…..So my friend Jason is taking me to the grocery store…….So just a quick story before I am off…….Yesterday my father came over to visit. Since I am having car troubles, I have not been to la jolla to visit them. Was really missing my father and know his time on this earth will not be forever, sO i need to see him more…..anyways that is on my goals and list, along with a lot of other things to add and improve my life, the kids and his….anyways Kaylee was so cute to him, and dancing and hugging him. She said nice things to him, and he was loving it. HIs smile was priceless. Then I played THe beatles for my dad and He was bopping and rocking his head to the music as if he had never heard it before………It was so cute. He can’t talk well but can sing well since his stroke….not on key but clear. ha ha. We are the tone deaf lasensky family…..Then I showed him a video of my niece Annalise, writing and performing a song and my father broke in to tears…….It killed me. Dyane was there an she said it is a good thing because he has a lot of emotion and he is feeling it…..I was balling in no time flat…..and my dear friend Dyane said,’ WEll the apple does not fall far from the tree.” I am my father’s daughter……in many ways…….oh and the thing that was bugging me about others that is in myself, is talking about myself to much………..I need to work on that, because it is annoying to me and I dont want to be that person .

I dont think you could possibly understand a mother’s guilt, shame, regret and fear unless you have children, and are a mother. The problem is, it is difficult to separate what is accurate and what is us just baggering ourselves…….Like yesterday Kaylee was sooo cranky because she did not sleep the night before. It was so tiring and annoying that I was sort of yelling at her (for me) my nerves were getting shot..sometimes during the day with one kid or three, I think to myself-This is the hardest job I have ever had to do. It is but the most rewarding……I just have made mistakes as all moms, and I don’t want to continue to make them. Again I have to decipher what is reality and what is me being to sensitive and empathetic……I admire so many of my friends for the job they do at mothering….I know I love, kiss and adore really well but i need to remember that they need the structure, and consistency. I am a free spirit, as much as you can be being a mother, but the most important thing to me is being a great mother. I want to raise my kids with self love, and do what they love and treat others with respect. I know I have done that so far, pretty good.-just from what others say about my children, and their talents, and kindness…..I guess what is triggering all of this fear-is the conversation I had with a mother last night. Her 19 year old daughter is not talking to her, and lives with her sister……She is heart broken, and I fear that . I hope to God I have a good relationship with my children when they are older, and can make it through the teens……The mother had a very history and not parallel to mine but you never know. I also think the change in William’s behavior is scary to me….I need to read more parenting books and take more parenting classes…..I scratched Kaylee on the face last night an I felt horrible. It was an accident but just to hurt my child in anyway is so painful. I told her I would rather hurt anybody else in the world than my children..:(. ……..Even though I want to be all positive my country song is continuing…..my garbage disposal is broke, my dish washer and my breaks…..ugh……. That is what happens when someone goes from their parents to their husband…………..I went to a group the other night-one of mine that help me with boundaries, creating and maintaing a balanced life. I am always so touched to hear others stories……I feel for each and every person in there. I remember my dad use to help and love others easily and I felt left out a bit . Now I see that there is no comparison to the love of a child or the love that grows over the years……so that is something i need and do communicate to my children……I don’t ever want them to think they come second to my friends………Another thing that has been on my mind that should be forefront on my list to change is how open I am…I set myself up for hurt and criticism by putting my heart, and mind out there. Then I feel bad. Thin skin. I have this thing that drives me about being honest all of the time, but sometimes that hurts others or encourages others to judge me. I like that challenge of someone believing i am a certain way and then changing and growing to like me. (like in sales) . I feel like a fraud if I don’t tell others that I am financially struggling or seeing others, or anything for that matter. I always wanted to be mysterious and I guess sometimes I am because I do play some immature games sometimes but I catch them shortly afterwards…..bottom line is I want and try to give unconditional caring and love and not judge, and I wish that others could follow in those steps…….BUT i need to respect when They don’t want to , or want to keep things more private……..I feel like I have been so social lately and just need to have more time by myself to once again gain clarity and peace……

Howdy…….Oh my , my life has been so busy lately..reminiscent of the old days…..Dont worry I am not getting back in to being SUPER social, I just have been celebrating my birthday for a while, and friends birthdays, not to mention working here and or there……Seems like there are so many birthdays of friends and family this month…….Yesterday Charlene and I went to la for a show. IT was a blast……We were wined and dined afterwards……It was great fun, and I slept the entire way home, while Charlene drove….love her……we laughed a lot……..I decided I need to stop talking about my problems at all or bad year anymore…..It is getting old for me and i am sure others and I need to attract positive, good energy….Time to do my goals and dream board……….I have been meeting a lot of new people, and even a couple friends that I really like…..Where I have enough room to squeeze them in…At my party, there were so many long time friends….and then a couple newbies………I just love people. I can’t even go to the bathroom without not meeting a girl in there…I bond in bathrooms…ha ha. I talk to anyone……Today we have a full day..soccer, football party, bday party and then after party…….It is family oriented though so that is nice…..I missed my babies…….So now my dishwasher is broken and my garbage disposal….ugh!! I get lost and i do what i always do…..i call my mom and lou….Lou tried to fix it but could not….He then gave me some tasks to do and I chose socializing over it and he was not happy. I am making progress but this house stuff and breaking and fixing is all new to me, and i hate it!!! I just want someone to take care of me…..but I know that is not the right way to think or behave…..It just sounds good…….Screw feminist rights….ha ha. Sorry mom……..Chivalry is not dead….it might be laying low in san diego but not in other areas..:) ……Neil started a hair clip business for kaylee and jac. They are so cute and they are so excited. That is a great idea and a wonderful gesture on Neil’s part…………..Tomorrow I am taking the kids to see the Sound OF Music in afternoon, where Maica’s girls are performing….Then another fancy event as my dear friend Gina is celebrating her birthday!!! I feel blessed in many ways today……………Good things t come……I feel it.

For once my horoscope both love and regular are relative to my life……Post pardon, anti climatic bday celebrations are over and that leaves me a lil less than happy…I wish everyday was my bday…haha. Na then it would not be special……Kaylee still has a cough so we took a mommy/kaylee day to go see Jack and Jill. IT was a bit silly but cute and entertaining…….but i did not see her a lot this weekend so i was relishing in loving on her. Jac is being dropped off tonight and we are going for gluten free dinner……..as I always say , Sometimes I hate being me, because my mind is always thinking and analyzing…..But in my defense I did and am recognizing self sabotaging feelings and behaviors and you know what they say;”THe first step to changing is realizing.” Damn one of these days I am going to have no fun, because I am going to only do the right thing…….ha ha. Jk……….I long for that peaceful feeling that I have had in my life, and knowing I am doing the right thing as best I can…….I want to be the best parent to my children and make up for some of the lost time, where I lost myself in the wrong thing……..and I will!!

What a nice birthday it is so far……I have hundreds upon hundreds of well wishes and they warm my heart. SO far my week has been awesome…..Much better than last years birthday.:( ………..Dyane, kaylee, marina and I went to my parents for my bday dinner last night. Ernesto made roast chicken. It was delicious and very nice. My dad was not as coherent as he usually is and that makes me sad but overall the night was great. My mother had her masseuse give me a massage and it felt incredible………My friend Toni took me for a manicure pedicure yesterday and i have been taken to lunches and dinners galore. I miss the good life! ha Tonight Charlene is cooking for some of my closest friends, although I need to follow charlene’s rules……..:) ,. It and she is so worth it………Our roomie moved in. She is very sweet and a smart woman. It felt humbling but i actually think it will be nice. William is beyond upset at me, and feels that I am doing this to hurt him. He does not realize how much of a help the money will be for me and the kids. Jac has bunk beds so if and when Wills, sleeps over, he can sleep in there…….It is a tough time for WIlliam and myself. He has a lot of anger and to some extent I don’t blame him. It is just hard to defend myself without saying bad things. I Love him soooooo much. At one time, it was just he and I………….I am not sure if I blogged about this but last weekend at Jac’s soccer game, i dropped my cell phone. When i went back to get it after Jac’s game, another game was going and they told me the ref had it in his pocket. Just my luck. I had to flag a guy down to stop the game and get my phone.ha > I had to go. The ref said ,”Man she is popular.” Today my phone is making the heaven tune every five seconds…….I feel loved, just my favorite thing to give and feel…………..Kaylee told me last night Dyane and i are the best moms ever . She said this because she said most moms when their kids get hurt, the mom say’s, “You are ok.” She said Dyane and I are very sympathetic and hug and kiss them, and validate them…ha ha……..another somewhat humorous seinfeld moment happened last week. I was waiting in line at the Successful Jersey MIkes. There was a long line, and the person who worked there was trying to get the woman in line’s attention. She was oblivious and so I tapped her and pointed for her to go. Welll that did not go over real well……Oopsy…….SHe gave me a look and actually raised her hand. The rest of the customers and I chuckled as I just tapped her lightly………..guess she was having a bad day……What is a day with out me getting in some sort of pickle………..More to come later

HOw many times do i have to say it but I love fall…This time of year is awesome. The smell of the air makes me feel wonderful, and brings back great memories…..I was feeling really good today and accomplishing a lot until I started realizing how many bills were due……..ugh….I miss the good life….ha ha> Reality now, at least for me. Am I repeating myself to much? I have a feeling I am..I seem to do that until I make the changes or get past something…..I have such a busy month and december that I am trying to contain myself from being overhwhelmed…It looks like I am going to cook, nurture and help the disabled a couple days a week. That way I can bring in much needed and not given (hint hint) money for the kids and I . I can also focus more on my tshirt business and entreprenuar escapades……I hope at the end of my journey I am as successful as I believe with the passion that is in my heart, and the intuition i have..just need someone to believe in me……….The other night we went to our friend Shiloh’s restaurant Today’s pizza,. I mentioned this in my last blog but what I forgot to mention was Jac and Kaylee did hoola dancing again with the band and then even managed to sing with them…It was off the charts cute. They were like a little Donny and Marie, singing “Tiny bubbles.” Priceless……….. I go along the day and my mind is very busy remembering memories, feeling nostalgic, debating about some possible opportunities or crisis. I always have these thoughts that resurface. I make a note to myself to mention them in my blog…so hopefully they have some effect on someone or in my life…..One of the thoughts is that I always felt comfortable with the finer things. . I know I was raised in what many may say was that but I always had this feeling and vision that I would have it all on my own!!!! The older I get the more I get in touch with my intuition. I see how it has guided me and served me and often I have been negligent in paying attention to it. So hopefully i can reconnect with my dreams and visions and obtain them……I even see numbers on a big check i am going to get……I feel like I am being tempted with good and evil daily now. It is tough especially because I am vulnerable…..So far I am making the right decisions for the most part but not everyone would agree…I have a team of people watching out for me, for better and or worse……I guess I matter, and that is good…….All I can say is another one of my statements I repeat constantly is every time i judge, i find myself in somewhat the same shoes….For example I use to judge girls for flirting for free drinks. I thought that was so tacky..Well hmmmm. I would not pass up a free drink now….haha…..Everyday is filled with a new humbled experience. I use to have to go to every gran opening and most charity events but now, i feel like a phony or fraud going to them. I know there will be a time again for that but the good thing is they don’t hold much importance for me anymore and when they do, it will for the philanthropic benefits to others………Can i just scream I HATE Spell check. I liked it better when i did not know I was misspelling .! UGh…I keep having to retype and retype…..ha. Need lou to turn it off……I am happy to be back at church and want to go every sunday…..I also am enjoying this group Smart Recovery which is really good about moderation and balance in my life…..I am feeling really good doing haute yoga, and my body is looking good……now just need to cut back even more on the vino………Tonight I am cooking for some guy friends and they are moving furniture and lightbulbs for me…….Somebody has been taking out my trash every week, and I have no idea who…….But thank you soooo much!!!…….The other night I met a guy who was professing how much he liked me and how much money he had, and then turned out to be married and living with her…..oh and he told me to watch out for men because they are liars and just want to get in my pants…..Hmmmm. could we call this projection……….Once again I need to not believe everything people say the first hour they meet me, let alone the first month………….Hope this made sense I have been rambling on………

After we lost our dog Bailey, and I compare my heart to the way it felt at first, and now-it is a good lesson and reminder to me that time makes everything better..but sometimes makes us miss someone……….I will embrace aging with wisdom but fight the beauty part it until I am eighty…..my mom still is beautifulllll……..and is 81…I have a sister 16 years older than me and the closest sibling to me is nine years older….so I was the baby…hence the problems and lack of development or delayed development……..it is happening just not as fast as others around me wish……….Jac my sweetheart is here tonight. We took him to get gluten free pizza tonight and he loved it…along with a gluten free cookie..Love to make that boy happy and smile. He and Kaylee have the best time together……..we miss him…………Jac gave me a note today that said,’when you look at this know you are wonderful and I love you.” It was so cute and warmed my heart…………….I had the most hilarious but somewhat sad dream last night……I think it stemmed from me watching, at the gym, sweet sixteen…..let me just say they are so spoiled and entitled…..but I being on reality tv know how it is not really reality……anyways in the dream my mother surprised me with a smashing birthday party with all the bells and whistles to say the least…….it was like a wedding….In it she gave me a check, people were carrying me on a throne and adoring me, and I kept thinking “i wish i was not just from the gym, and had time to shower.” ha …anyways it was so detailed and elaborate with so many details……..I remember being so happy…..My mother was flying in all of the important people from my life, and the doctor who gave birth to me…..Dr. wade. …ha ha. I was so choked up….It was like This is your life, sort of….she even found an old boyfriend who use to work at Hot dog on a stick, and had the wrong guy who was like sixteen and in his uniform. I told my mother that she had the wrong guy because the one I went out with was a lawyer now…..ha ha……..the sad part of the dream was when my father almost drowned and died, and I was crying my eyes out begging him to not die yet……………Kaylee told me her teacher was 26 today…..NOT! I explained to her how many woman dont tell the truth on their age….I may be off one year but that is about it…..:) My brother said I need therapy to white lie about one year……….anyways another humbling experience is we rented a room out……….She seems very nice and checks out good. kaylee loves her ……..we can use the money……..Due to the time change I am super tired so gonna sign off……..ttyt..

I keep laughing about my hair in the desert. I have had some hair issues as of late…..Anyways our hotel’s shower was soooooo weak. I mean like four drops came out at a time. I tried to rinse the shampoo out of my hair but it was virtually impossible. So I did the best I could but that was not good enough. MY hair felt like straw and along with the dry air my hair looked like Rod Stewart, or Sponge bob….I felt like a poodle……..Then the other day, I was at Dyane’s , for a change, ha ha-We went to the gym, and then I showered at her house. The only shampoo in the shower was Dog shampoo, so I used it. It was either that or me run across the house naked, to get some other shampoo and a towel…..anyways the funny thing is my hair looked really good……..hmm. Is it cheaper than regular shampoo as well? ha ha………….Went to Haute yoga yesterday and it felt great. I now remember why i was such a yogi….I love how I feel and what it does for my body and mind. …..that along with church, and some support groups, is a good way to help me to my goal or goals…….

Oh my……William just locked Kaylee and Jac in the shower……It is never a dull moment with the three of them……..William has been so hyper this trip….Love that boy but he is never easy and never has been since his first breath of life…..He has dynamic qualities that will make him successful and have an exciting life, but for now, at thirteen, not easy…..I know I said I would not talk about him anymore. I do my best but gotta vent every once in a while…….. So I had some Marriot Rewards and so we came to the desert for a night. Certainly not like we use to do when we have come in the past but never the less, still nice. It is a tradition and I love it up here. Just getting a tiny dose of a vacation, reminds me of how necessary they are. THe most wonderful thing of all is me enjoying my children. My heart is over flowing with love for them…….Last night, we got in the boat and i looked at the family next to us, and I knew them from San diego. She is mutual friends with MElanie. It was ironic but made for a nice surprise. WE enjoyed each other’s company. They are a darling family, and seem so connected and happy-just as they should be. They have a three year old little boy who is adorable. Kaylee and Jac were playing with him so cute. Watching Trina with her three year old son, reminded me of how in love I was with William, my first born. That love is the most amazing love that any person can ever experience-giving birth to your child, and seeing them for the first time………..I am sure I have said this numerous times but it is worthy of writing, and reminding myself and others again, and again. ……………..Today I feel much better than I did the previous day. Andrew and I went out and stayed up late, which I have not done in a while. We had great fun though, and even had some karate sparring. I love my guy friends………that is until they get a girlfriend and then they make my friend cut me off. It has happened a lot. i guess I have to put myself in their shoes, as I always try to do. As you probably know I am not good at good byes, and I get attached to people, that I connect with on a deep level……I am so naive about relationships and find it difficult to be more than friends and then just be friends. I guess that is because I was married for twenty some years, and never really experienced the breaking up and then not having someone in my life anymore…..Someone asked me the other day why I always want a companion around or people. I replied,”That is a true statement and a good question.” I have been thinking about it a lot. Actually two people addressed it with me. I said I was on the way to find that out with this new amazing therapist, that was modeling loving myself completely and feeling whole. I had to stop due to my budget cuts but I want to return someday> I am reading, and listening and going to classes all to help me achieve this on my own as well. Not to mention the hard knocks of life that I am learning now….Powerful lessons. I know compared to most people I know I am still very fortunate but again…..Life is all relative. P.s. that is another one of my favorite sayings. So my Dad’s favorite one was,”Soup is better the next day.” Oh and “Dont’ even spend three dollars on a starbucks coffee.” I use to laugh at that fact and concept but now I realize it all adds up and is true…………Man I am writing a lot, I think it is because I am away and that is when I get peaceful and connect with myself to find my creativity and intentions……..So back to why I dont like to be alone to much. I think being married so long has something to do with it, and I also think not having my kids full time. I know I can get back to there to completely enjoy being alone and reap the benefits of it. It just takes doing it and getting use to it. When I get there I will attract healthier relationships with everyone. If you could just sit in my body and feel all the love in my heart and feelings. It is quite overwhelming at times…………William, JP, Marsha and I all played tag football at the park the other day. It was the most fun, I have had in a long time. Good, clean, healthy fun. It reminds me of how I acted, and played as a child and that is a wonderful thing….Gotta get out of the rut of doing the same things over and over again. I will always love to cook for friends and family but I want to get out there and see shows, movies, and try new things……….Keepin it real, and living life.

Hurting a bit over the necessary end of a friendship but it still hurts. I saw a quote that read,” I have the privilege to say goodbye to someone I have known for a short time but am sad to say goodbye to .” It sort of went like that…haha but you get the jists……..Seasons, reasons and lifetimes……The truth is I have been getting side tracked again and rearranging my priorities and that is not a good thing…I hate when I do that. Regret is not fun, especially when it entails children’s lives………….So today was a day of progress for me. I made a lot of dreaded calls. I then cleaned the downstairs and started organizing my closet. All the while getting that familiar feeling of hedonism and shame, that I have spent so much money on clothes and crap. It literally makes me feel sick. I am learning the lessons of money really hard now, so as i say, it is a good thing but not a fun thing….I see how I have run to people, places and things to not feel sometimes……….I need to be careful because I like to run away from things. ha……………..I missed my babies last night but right now we are all snuggling in bed watching Fineus and Pherb. Then we are going to get Gluten free pizza………It was so cold today but i am loving it. As long as the sun shine is shining. Getting excited for my bday celebration and to surpass the year of my horrible accident and horrible year…………….Aside from watching news and politics more-I want to watch documentries. to learn and keep my brain and mind active. So when Kimberly and kids came over today, She and I watched one, while the kids played, or should I say destroyed the house. ha. jk. Anyways not sure why I picked this topic of Assisted Dying legally in Oregon, but I did. It was soooooo heart wrenching and sad but interesting. I only watched half of it but it evoked so many emotions…….what a shocker. ha ha……….Anyways, it just makes me appreciate the simple things and realize all we have is our health and life, and then there is the other side that nobody is certain about. It always reminds me to go back to church and strengthen my faith again……because how could this huge wonderful world all be a mistake??