When I was younger, I had so many beliefs that stifled me, and I was so afraid to say or write, paint or say something not right……as I get older and hopefully more mature, I count the blessings with each flaw increasing (that i try to delay)……and one of the positive things is the freedom to paint, write, or do things my way…yes the world can judge and there is a time and a place for appropriateness, however once i let go of painting in the lines, and how i was told to do it-i left my fear behind of not being perfect, or what someone may call perfect. I honestly think everyone should paint and free write…with out punctuation or thinking to much. It is freeing and a great exercise and gets one’s creativity flowing…Even if they are not a natural at it…….That reminds me how much I love painting and need to get back to it sooner than later…………Maybe I
should not do it on my blog as much but i love to freedom on my blog, to say what i want, how I want……Just had to get that out…….It is funny-my friend was talking about how important first impressions are especially in the business world…..I get it in the business world but not so much in a social world…It depends where I am. I mean there is always respect both ways, and the certain way to act acceptable but, the little details do not matter to me……Just be real and authentic…….I dont like it when people dont get me at first, but then i love it when they finally do….and if they don’t their loss………..Had some thoughts yesterday about more of the things I have learned over the past year……One of them is to not talk about myself so much….it is boring and self centered. Ofcourse on my blog that is different as I am writing to clarify and come to decisions…..I am being more private and i do see how when I tell others TOO much that it comes back to haunt me…..I just live in my own reality of love…So in the year ahead I want to perfect my listening skills and reflecting back what i hear with my kids, family and friends……..I also see how important not only others boundaries are and my own as well!! My voice is getting louder and stronger…….I also (dont faint) found a part time job…..I actually am starting today. It is what I was talking about a while back……cooking, driving, and teaching the mentally challenged…I am so excited about it especially because I finally found something that is my purpose….I want to nuture and help the world a bit (do my part)…..so I am surprised I am so excited about this…I can work my tshirts and around my children’s schedule..I can also do some of my other dream things on side…..I got so many congratulations yeserday it was embarrassing…cute but I was a bit embarrassed ……I have not worked in years….. other than my tshirt company which runs itself at this point…..and charlene.:)….But I have done the most important work there is to raise three children……who are turning out wonderful……I found a good way to real in my teen….he is disrespectful and I put his phone on hold…..It is working……….Had Kaylee sleep with me last night….I have missed snuggling with her……The kids have been with neil at night this week, as I have had a busy one……Here is another example of projection or one’s reality being one’s reality……Yesterday I was on the phone with the bank ( my goal is no bounced checks this year)……:) and He asked for information. I could not find the information and I could tell he was getting so annoyed…I was upset that he had no patience………And was apologetic as I was getting pissed off, and wanting to complain………LAter that day, I was on the phone with a company and they could not find my name, or hear how I was spelling it. My mother would blame it on how fast I speak which is true, but I was going to pace of a turtle annunciating each letter, and she did not get it. The funny thing was I was doing the same thing the guy from bank did to me earlier today……….It just shows we need to all be more patient……..I was not mean, but again we can all look at our situation and things we like or dislike in others and work on that in ourselves………I have continued to reach out to certain people, only to be disappointed…….I have to let go of others and give them the freedom to engage or not, but I do know this year is one to surround me and my children around tolerable, kind people…….We choose our friends so why would we choose someone who disrespects us or treat us poorly??? Or does not respond???? Again it is all about me valuing myself and being a good role model for my children……..This roommate thing is tough but it is teaching me tons of lessons……..and I thank God for that……..Also my father had a bad day yesterday and had to go back to the hospital…..This is so sad and tough, ……….Everyone say’s i need to enjoy him, but prepare for the worst however I will never be able to fully understand how hard it is until it happens……To me watching my Daddy in bed, and seeming weak to others, he does not seem like that to me….He is my father, my rock, my handsome, loving, kind man who was and is a true gentleman and kind to the world…..

Happy New Year to all of you out there……….One of my new year’s goals is to eat, live completely clean and healthy….Starting with 30 days no wine…with Dyane and then we will take it from there….All I know is I want to remove alcohol from being any sort of evening ritual…..I have changed in the fact that, i am not the partying person I was a few years ago but I still do look forward to evening wine and i want it to be the exception rather than the rule……I crave waking up daily feeling so healthy and having my body in tip top shape…….no matter how much i workout drinking wine has its negative effects on my body……I need to fight the clock as best i can…I also want to be completely present with my children all of the time….and do more creative, healthy, fun, new things……William and I want to assimilated sky diving…..You won’t get my ass jumping out of a real airplane……I am frightened of heights…..My poor kids are scared to drive to big bear, because of the winding, high roads and mountains……I have learned I need to not wear my emotions on my sleeve as much around my children……….So Dyane, Marina, and my kids and myself (2 of them) went to Palm Desert. I had a free night from Marriot Rewards and dyane paid for the rest……It was a lot of fun, and very relaxing. Dyane and I laughed our asses off, as we always do…..We also pigged out . I drank five diet pepsi’s in one day and we ate salt, chips and fries as they were going out of season…….Not to mention no gym for two days…..can you say BLoat??? Well my jeans were tight yesterday……so hence the new year and new goals for my healthy mind and body…………Now I am doing what the rest of the world does….New years resolutions……but it is time……………There are a lot of stories to share but i will have to spread them out…….On our drive home (dyane refused to let me drive my own car..hmmm)…..ha ha. We almost ran out of gas, as we did, on the drive there. We had to coast out of nowhere land to a small ghost town….Dyane asked me to pump the gas, and i did just after jumped out of the car to take Kaylee to go to the bathroom….We were rushing as Kaylee had to go bad…..i jumped back in the car to find my cell phone attached to charged submerged in water, and I mean submerged..Dyane was on an important call and chaos was in the car with three children. I asked dyane what happened and she got defensive and started yelling and then we drove off and we forgot to take the pump out of the car……uh oh……we drove off with it in our tank……Never had that happen before……..I was so pissed off and then we had laughing attacks because that would happen to us….The two blonde ding dongs….oh and before that Dyane cut off this girl on the freeway ….well she was not happy and was driving up to us screaming……She looked like a gangster..Then she tried to run us off of the road………..two times……..It was scary but of course now funny………..Another thing to was I was waiting for Dyane to get our luggage to check out…and then she finally exclaimed to me,”I feel like I have been your husband the entire trip.’ and then I giggled in guilt……and admitting…….I guess I was married for so long that I just am use to someone doing all of those guy things…ha ha. Luckily she did not notice until the end of the trip……..When we first got there, I said I will meet you at the pool,,,,,while she checked in with the kids…..oopsy……more growth…..that is where I can be a bit spoiled…..My daddy is in a home local to me…..It is better than the hospital but very sad to see all of the elderly there……I use to take my dog to visit the old people years ago…..I felt so much love to all of the nurses and all of the patients, that i was sending them love to their eyes..Everyone there needs love and support and the nurses are doing a great job……..My Dad looked better and I was so happy to see him.. He even made us laugh at how much he hated his orange juice with thickener in it……My mother got him a book called,”Night.” It is a true well written version around the Hollocaust, survivors in the Ghetto (Their version of the ghetto)…….I read it to my father for a couple hours as he drifted in and out of sleep…..but when he was paying attention he was interested in what he was hearing…It was a nice thing to do with him and a very nice memory plus an interesting touching story…..my heart was filled with so many different emotions from real life and that story I was reading…….I saw my father in a way yesterday that was hard to see, but I am getting use to it and accepting that this is life and inevitable…..however that does not mean that it is not going to hurt like no other hurt when he is gone…but he is here and I am going to go see him right now………xoxoxo

There are problems we have, problems we make up and problems, that are real life problems, and inevitable…….My father is sick again and in the hospital…..I like to call him Daddy, even though i am forty something…….I have tears rolling down my cheeks for fear of what is going to come. It is so painful to see my dad deteriorate and suffer….I see how someone might avoid the situation because it is to painful but again that is selfish…..All i hope and pray is that I am with my father when he passes and he has a peaceful feeling on his faith. I have been worrying about him dying for over ten years…My daddy has been my life line and hero…………….Other stuff is going on but I can’t think much about it or have the energy to write about it…….I am going to the hospital and going to hug and kiss my dad with all i have……

TOday was the closest to feeling of the holiday spirit as it can get…….I woke up with my kids in my arms (minus teenager) and then lit the fire, put Christmas lights on, and Christmas carols, Made hot cocoa and pancakes…..and we snuggled under a blanket by the fire and tree…………I had a great night sleep last night. I stayed home after several events the past few nights. It caught up with me…..I am happy to stay in this week and have a cozy, cuddly, healthy week……..Right now our neighbors kids are over, and the four of them, are playing so cute……..They are pretending they are hollywood movie stars with agents…..I am on my computer listening to them, and enjoying them and their creativity…….I am going to hit yoga and then take them all to see Alvin and Chipmunks……….I have a lot of important things to take care of and I am procrastinating to do them. I just want to hang with my kids and play……..They are in the back of my mind though…I still need to do Christmas shopping….Kaylee has gone mad for Miss PIggy………My mother took the kids and I shopping for Christmas. Afterwards my son, said to me, ” so where is my christmas money?” I said ,”you just spent it>” Then he was back pedaling to say he did not know that and wanted to return things. He also tried to pass his sheets and blanket he bought on to Jac’s Christmas gifts…ha ha. He is so easy to read and see through. I remember those days of teenage me and manipulation…….Yesterday we had a great day of baking cookies with our friends…….I was decorating and then I kept on seeing more cookies come out …..so I started to speed decorate so the activity would eventually end…..ha ha. it was a funny thing to do….I did enjoy it but after a long time, it was getting to me……………I always picture myself being in a sitcom. My life is like a sitcom and that is how my mind works……..i need to get up and clean the house right now ugh…….i miss my maid………One of the Christmas carols we listened to was called,”Give my brother a box of rocks.” It was really funny because it was about an older brother tormenting his siblings…..like someone we know………….My heart is filled with a lot of love and a lot of emotion. I am reallly feeling sad for my bff jean, whom lost her father last week. She was shedding tears with me last night…..and my heart hurt for her. She kept on saying,’This is so final and there is nothing I can do…..”

I like to remind myself (again) of this…….it is non parallel to the other thing I am trying to improve on…rule following……….I am in a mellow mood today…..nice and content, much different than the anxious way i felt yesterday….It is a busy time of year and I do have some things to worry about, and take care of but I just need to continue to get my ass up and going, and do my things that help me,,,,number one-get to the gym…….I made myself go yesterday, when I usually dont have to make myself, and I did forty five minutes of cardio……It felt great. I then came home , took a shower and was ready to take on the day…………Some updates on the Cubbie’s……..Today is a rainy, stormy day and Jean my bff from childhood is in town. So we took a personal holiday off. Jean just left but it was a pleasure having her and seeing her…It is like being home. So today Jac, and Kaylee and I are finishing decorating the tree, as well as baking Christmas cookies……I am going to make a fire, and I made a huge pot of Chile…..I love rainy days, at home…..So i am trying to get some things done, let some things go, enjoy my kids and be in the moment…..My friend Gina invited us up to the Festival of Lights on a yacht friday night, in newport beach…..So that will be special………This time of year I as well as everyone need to put some things on hold, just until after the holidays, in order to enjoy the holidays…………My house and life has been hectic and full…some good some bad………A friend from La jolla is in a bind and staying here. She and I are like Frick and Frack….She is hilarious though and we just crack each other up. We are driving the roomie crazy….I finally met someone as flaky or more than me. haha. I mean that lovingly..She has tons of awesome qualities and a big heart, which is all that really matters to me. She has had quite the exciting life and we exchanged some of our exciting, celebrity stories with one another last night…….She loved my Oprah story……When I hung out with her one night, we bonded, and I gave her ideas for shows……For me it was like hanging out with the president…I wanted to be on Oprah so bad on my bucket list but I have to let that one go but there are plenty of other options…..I especially see them when I am being fruitful and optimistic about some opportunities that are coming and that I am trying to make…..I just love Hope and dreams…..lauren helped me organize my closet and then I organized Kaylee’s room and closet. It felt great…..Now I just need to finish………That is another thing I need to remember automatically…….If I am feeling bad , i will feel better once i do things I am dreading or accomplish something………………I am in hormonal something these days…Everything is fine as per my doctor but I am having some narly, naughty dreams…….oh my gosh…….They would make Madonna blush. ha ha. Oh by the way Lauren met Madonna, and I loved that story…….She and I were always so guy crazy….ha. Lucky thing we did not hang out a long time ago………….I am missing my teenager today. Tomorrow night we are going to go out on a “date night.” OR to him hangin out…maybe dinner and a movie……..The other day Jean, Lauren and I went to my parents house and sat on patio overlooking the ocean. It was beautiful and I was holding my father’s hand and rubbing his back. It was so nice. I need to visit much more often. Jean was telling my father stories about all her family, which my Dad enjoyed. He has known Jean and all her siblings most of their life…..Jean’s father is in the hospital and ill and I am praying for him….It is that time of our lives, when we are all realizing our lives are half over, and our parents will not be here forever………That is something else that was making me anxious the other night. I have not felt that anxious in a long time. I can get sad but not so often anxious…….Which is better of the two according to me………….Well I have had some more humbling and humiliating experiences on my school of the hard knocks, according to a La jolla girl. I went to get some state assistance finally, and it did not go real well…..I was telling her the truth and trying to explain to her how serious I was and have been by telling her I sold a lot of Gucci on ebay and gold……Well as my friend said, those two words should not be in same sentence as assistance…anyways it was so humbling to see people in so much need and on drugs etc…..I was worrying about everyone there. I also went to some meetings that were eye opening and for that I am grateful. Went with a couple of my hot friends who are having financial challenges lately and everyone said we were like the show Two broke girls, but Three broke girls………..But I do have to say Orders, are picking up, Legally I am going to be able to get child support and alimony, and I am busting my booty to pay my own bills now…..and as much as I hate it, it feels good…….I am so grateful that I have a lovely home to cook, love and raise my children in………..So gonna go and decorate the tree with the kids……I want to try and sneak in a movie for me later, if I can……..again wish I could write everything but i am learning to keep some thing private and for myself but still be interesting……

I have had a lil wine and my french is coming back to me…..ha ha. not really……………..I woke up not feeling motivated to do anything and then I chose to skip the gym and do the things I am dreading, (the list is very long)…….One of them was to clean my house, organize my endless clothes and jewelry and organize my daughters room……………..My friend Nicole helped me………..well six hours of labor and what a workout………….I felt amazing. My house looks great, I am once again ashamed at how many clothes and “Stuff” i have , albeit selling it on ebay……………But nevertheless i need to remind myself when I am not in the mood to get out of bed because I am overwhelmed with things to do-i just need to put one foot in front of other and make it happen, little by little…………I dont know why when I am down or tired it is so hard for me to visualize how good I will feel, or to get motivated………..I know this time of year I get cold and tired easy, and like to be super mellow….but that does not work with my life these days…………………….Today my friend Said to Kaylee, ” why are you so sweet?” I was sort of waiting to get kuddos for that but nevertheless I did not and kaylee responded,” I am just naturally a sweet caring person who cares about others…..’ So flippin cute……………….Today I also started making a dream board and a fashion panel, as well as wrote short and long term goals…………..ALl i know is health, exercise, daily meditation, reading and writing is a must!!! When I am too tired and overly thinking-that is the time I need to meditate…………..This is my story and my life and I am living it out loud and in full, to the best I can. I do know i have to constantly repeat things to myself in order for them to become a habit and a routine………….ie” i have been exercising for twenty six years regularly which is a lifestyle……..just like my daddy……………………Last weekend was a busy one. I missed a la jolla charity christmas ball, that I was looking forward to because my date (friend) hurt his leg……..It was a disappointment because I was all dressed with nowhere to go but again another lesson and learning experience and humbling…………..I cried myself to sleep mainly because it is a tradition in my family..and I heard my father was dancing in his wheelchair on the dance floor……..but i do as I always do, and recognize my part in it………………..I also feel that I am ready for big changes and big letting go………………..One of my goals is to write down my values and looking at them reminds me that I am a moral person and life has challenged me to where I have not been as much as I want to be but I am stopping it now!!!!……………….My mother took my kids out shopping yesterday. They all got a bunch of clothes. They were so happy and were tooting my mom’s horn. haha. I miss those days…………..It was fun………..I also went to a nice party last night, with nice people and a great band that sang old favorites that reminded me of my brothers and sisters when I was little………………Also some good career opportunities coming so today thank you God for giving me a hopeful day and feeling like there is some opportunity out there for me and everyone…..

I have not been facebooking a lot or blogging and it feels sort of nice and freeing………my thoughts have been noticing things that would be entertaining or I would like to store for my children to read later in life ………so i will get to the memories now……I am telling myself and others that I am going to learn to be more private and not write all my thoughts and feelings I have daily, for everyone to listen to observe or judge………….Last night kaylee and I were watching a movie, and I said “look at the Eiffel Tower, ” Then Kaylee corrected me,”no Mommy that is actually the Arch de Triumph.” I then found myself getting in a debate with my seven year old daughter. I was saying that I lived in Paris and I know……….ha ha……and how does she know that? she is amazing and so smart……….So last week on her barette business she made fifty dollars….My heart was overflowing with love for my kids most of the week…..Kaylee and Jac slept with me and we watched a movie and I felt surrounded by love………I am tired. Dyane took me out for my jewish never ending holiday birthday last night. WE had a crazy night but a blast and we keep laughing about it, although we pissed some people off.oopsy……..We kept trying to sneak in reserved seating at Third Corner and we kept getting caught….:) We had an amazing dinner there. I also was speaking my mind to anyone and everyone who wanted to listen or did not. I guess I was exercising my boundaries…But sometimes the truth is not so nice……….TOnight I am taking my friend Andrew to a la jolla Christmas gala, that my mother got us tickets for…..Atleast I will feel really young. ha ha…………….William and I had several nice moments this past week. He even kissed and hugged me. It felt wonderful. He got in trouble in school so I had to talk to him about that. …………I even have a birthday party to go to tomorrow, so my weekend is super social…..Getting use to renting a room, and even letting a friend stay for a bit, who is in need…………My home is like a bed and breakfast…….ha ha. Gotta get my Upgraded version on …..ha ha FOr the party……

I am very thankful for all of the HUGE and small lessons I have learned over the past two years……….So I am going to share some of them with you, in order for me to always remember and hopefully share some insight with some of you…..Happy THanksgiving……….and the main thing to remember is the teacher can’t teach until the student is ready to learn…..EVeryone learns different lessons at different times, at different paces. Some people need to learn the hard way (me) and others can be warned and avoid the situation……..YOu know the chinese proverb say’s Problem, means hidden lesson and meaning…

PROBLEM LESSON

Having someone offer you money for virtually nothing and or an easy job If something sounds to good to be true it is

Someone tells you over again their faults Pay attention to red flags in others, both verbal and action oriented-There is a reason

Spilling wine on a friends computer Always be honest but carelessness can be expensive to ourselves and awkward in
in a friendship

Going through a lot of money and then having little to none Every dime counts, (sorry dad) and it will run out. Watch the little things, they add up
– up and even having lunch out daily can cost a lot over a month. There is such thing as
to many material things, and excess…….And always look at the price of gas and
groceries

Lending or BorrowingI am very thankful for all of the HUGE and small lessons I have learned over the past two years……….So I am going to share some of them with you.I am doing this in order for me to always remember and hopefully share some insight with some of you…..Happy THanksgiving……….and the main thing to remember is the teacher can’t teach until the student is ready to learn…..EVeryone learns different lessons at different times, at different paces. Some people need to learn the hard way (me) and others can be warned and avoid the situation……..YOu know the chinese proverb say’s Problem, means hidden opportunity.

PROBLEM LESSON

Having someone offer you money for virtually nothing and or an easy job If something sounds to good to be true it is

Someone tells you over again their faults Pay attention to red flags in others, both
verbal and action oriented-There is a reason

Spilling wine on a friends computer Always be honest but carelessness can be
expensive and possibly harm a friendship

Going through a lot of money and then having little to none Every dime counts, (sorry dad) and it will add up….pay attention to daily cost of add up…..pay attention to cost of daily
– things ie;gas and food. And yes one can
have to many material things

Lending or Borrowing money from someone or to someone you care for It will harm a friendship in some way

Dog running away and not coming back If there is a history of coyotes, luck will r
- run out eventually

My father having several strokes Life is fragile and always express your love

Getting caught in a little white lie lies are lies and they take away from character

Making bad decisions when in need Never judge but realize fear of survival can
change people’s values.

Regretting things in the past Learn from them, and today is the only thing
you can make changes in for the future.
Regret sucks!!
And don’t have someone be your designated driver when they like to drink as well……….It is not worth it to get behind the wheel after drinking more than one drink……..You never realize you can hurt others in addition to yourself and how painful that will be. THank GOd I only hurt myself….

JAC AND KAYLEE WISH EVERYONE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING AND HOLIDAY SEASON!!

money fsomeone you care for It always cause

I was feeling sooo tired last night that I went to bed at eight thirty…..It has caught up for me. We slept in till nine as well…..I am also feeling so lazy that I am dreading cleaning the kitchen (glad roomie is away) and barely can get out of my bed….Kaylee and jac slept with me last night and it was so nice. We finally convinced jac to sleep straight up so we dont get kicked in the face all night…….I was missing connecting with them…it is like blood for my veins, or oxegan for my body. that sounds so poetic but it is the only way I can describe it. It fillith my cup and then it goes away and I crave it again…I guess that is a good way for nature to make a mother want to spend regular time with her children…and a mother’s guilt, deserved or not deserved, to keep us on our toes…………………I wrote a list of what I am thankful for today and the lessons I learned. I will post it…….I kept it somewhat brief for me. ha….but I left out a few things…….I am now realizing the things I did not learn as a child, i will pass on to my children if i don’t change my behavior duh….one main thing is taking care of my things because things never meant that much to me but by not taking care of them, I wasted a lot of time, and that is not respectful to them or whom bought them to me…………Damn I wish i learned all these things much earlier…………..I need to get up , clean the kitchen, then go visiting friends on the way to my parents……….Lou gave me a political talking to last night. Not sure if it was me, or his delivery but I actually got a lot out of it……….and it reminds me how much I miss and crave learning….and to take my mind off superficial and inevitable things……like again……The only thing consistent is change….

It is funny how so many lines take me back to a movie……or a song, or a commercial or a product or vica versa…The power of advertising…….Its fun except for when I date myself and I say something that the person I am with has no clue as to what i am talking about…….Today I got a call from my eldest son, a new teenager, and I was so happy to hear from him, until he asked me to take him shopping. THen I visited him and he wanted me to give him an ipod speaker set i have…..No! All he does is ask me for things….atleast pretend to be interested a little? I told him to not ask me for anything unless he spends some good quality time with me….Everyday he has a new hobby, or skill he has learned…..He is almost to smart for his own good…He is almost as tall as me, and appears to have a lot of friends, and Girl Friends……He is having fun. He got an award for his football team……….We just traded jac back to the Surf soccer. It is a better schedule and the teams are better..Jac is excited about that. Today is his first scrimmage…………Looking forward to THanksgiving tomorrow. I love it……Going to hang with the boys, then Kaylee and I are going to head to la jolla, and visit friends and end up at my parent’s house for dinner……I am happy to have the opportunity to see my dad again…..I will play more music for him………I need to start a mini cleanse next week Sunday. I can tell I gained a couple lbs in my tummy…….not nice, and does not feel good…….I keep having dreams where I am huge and then I wake up and I am so happy it was a dream…..I can tell by my dreams how my mood, hormones etc. are doing. I can tell you one thing I never miss a trick…..It is all there in my dreams all night-even when I don’t think my conscious is aware.!!!…..Sofia, emma and kaylee are here now, so we are going to try and bake something, then Kaylee and I are going to paint……..My car has been a royal pain…….I need to trade it in. That is all I need when i have real things to take care of and worry about……..Yesterday was a comical day….First off Lou, was working on my car, trying to get the battery out for me. He was so frustrated because it took so long……He kept swearing and screaming at me and my BMW…….He was so loud, that he nearly gave a ninety year old man on a walker, an almost heart attack……It was like a seinfeld episode….THen the elderly man told Lou he was worried for his life…..ha ha……Gotta love lou for how much he helps us…I have my guy friends who seem to always chip in and help me and I have been rather needy lately but……that is going to slow down a lot. I have been around needy people and I realize how unappealing it is, and that is why I keep such a plethora of friends…..so i can spread the neediness out….It is just some things are dude things………I admit I just long for someone to take care of me, because all this hard work is not so much fun.! Got kicked out of yoga yesterday but it is not as bad as it sounds…….This yoga teacher is so anal, and gets so upset if i leave early or alter a position….I explain to her i had back surgery (Two) four months ago and I need to ease back in to it but she does not get it???? I thought yoga teachers were suppose to be zen, accepting and calm??? She is missing that part of the equation……