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May 14 19

Like Mother Like Daughter

by Amy Cubbison

When i was a little girl and even in to adult hood my birthday expectations were insatiable.  I could not ever be fulfilled because I wanted the earth and moon to shine and Jesus to come down from heaven.  I am not proud of this and most birthdays in ended up in tears. Kaylee is not as bad as I was but she does celebrate for a month and if the actual day is not perfect she is upset. I saw this in her disappointing face last night. It was late and her real birthday and everyone was tired and burnt out.  She felt unimportant. I felt compassion for her as my birthday is the last of my mothers and brothers, all in a two week span. Often times everyone is over bdays when mine comes.  I do realize this is a learning moment for me to help Kaylee but I also get it.

I had a great mother’s day and probably because my expectations were small.  Kaylee made me a beautiful card (so sweet, listing all of the things she loves about me) and made breakfast for me. Brought it up to my bed with flowers and all of the things I like.   Then she and Neil gave me a massage gift certificate.  Later that day, Jac gave me a sweet card that said I am the most understanding Mom in the world. Hmm. Not sure about that. Does that mean i never yell??  At night Will gave me a Benjamen Franklin my little roller, and they all cooked filet for me and went around the table saying why they loved me………………..OMG> was so happy and honored. #amycubbison #lovingfamily   #lovemykids

Apr 24 19

A Spring Tuesday

by Amy Cubbison

Hmm…..What should I write about? My lack of sleep for the past few nights? My mind can;t shut off school. I have not been like this since I was in college, many moons ago. Kids are good. I only have four classes to go so exciting. Starting my internship at hospice Monday. Excited to do it. I am watching and reading a lot of examples on how to help those in mourning. I still mourn my father daily. I dont know why but i have never felt the love that I felt my father had for me from anyone else. Other than my kids of course…………It hurts in my heart. Hopefully one day that will all mend. We have been role playing in school. I am really liking it. I especially enjoy being the therapist. My Professor told me last night that I am a natural and she was very proud of me. It feels so good to help others I just got off the phone with Minor. My nanny 101. She loves when i call her. We were just laughing about when i use to miss the bus everyday as a child. I would then hide in the bushes until my father went to work. Then I would pop out so he had to take me to school. He would drive off furious and then back up and get me everyday Being in his warm car ,drinking coffee with a lot of sugar was so much nicer than the cold ugly bus with our mean bus driver Mrs. Langhorn or something like that. Kaylee’s bday is coming up and OMG. She has so many events planned and planned to every little detail. I am getting it back four fold. I just asked her if she wants me to invite the queen of England to her festivities. She loves to decorate and entertain. She just handed me some papers to take to the doctor for her and she asked me to not get any makeup on them?? Ha ha. Almost finished this last class. Have some weekends to look forward to. Going to emdr training in May. Excited for that. I cant wait to make a paycheck !!!!!

Apr 3 19

Avalon

by Amy Cubbison

Just back from Catalina………What an amazing vacation. I felt like I was in the south of France but the greatest thing was it was only a ferry ride away. I took my final and i did not do well or that is what I think so I was not as relaxed as I would of liked to be. I managed my feelings of worry and enjoyed our mini vacation. Last time i was there, I was eight months pregnant with Will. I do not remember much about it because I was miserable. Raymond and I rode bikes all over the island, went to the beach, Went out to lunch, took a golf cart up the mountain. Our hotel was beautiful and the name of it was Portofino. How appropriate is that? The only thing that lessened things was my continuation of troubling dreams. I am sure school has something to do with them, Hormones, as well as my new career path. They are really disturbing though. I waked up and am grateful they are not true. Many of them include my mother and Father. The other night I had a dream where my Father was dead and I hugged and kissed him and he came back to life. Then i miss him so much more all day long. I feel cheated he is gone. I am envious of friends that. The other part of my dream is that my mother was driving me and all of the sudden her hand and stomach hurt and I took over driving and I was massaging her stomach and her hand intensely. I was crying and wanted her to feel better so badly. Today I need to start training for hospice and filling out paper work. Then I am going to enjoy the rest of the days before my next class.

Boost
Mar 28 19

Today

by Amy Cubbison

Taking my little girl Kaylee to the Doctors to get allergy tested today. Yes fourteen is still a little girl, and I am confused by anyone who doubts that. Then taking Will to the doctor because he has a heart arrhythmia. Prayers that it is minor. Will gives me a lot of training to be a therapist because he shares with me every last thought and fear. 🙂 I have end of class anxiety this week. Doing well but fearful that I may not do well on the final. I have loved this class addiction. However we are learning about what childhood experiences can cause or lend to addiction. It makes me worried about my car accident and some of my less than par behavior ten years back. I do not want to have any permanent damage on my children from my actions. I talk to them about this but the regret guilt is insane. Hopefully I have made up for it. The other day Kaylee and I went to do errands. She looked at me and said Mom you are a Term I did not know but basically she said it means you are a rock star plus. She then followed it up with you, “you do so many things and you do them all well.’ I love you so much. I wish I remembered the word that she said but she will not tell me again for fear I will post it on facebook. 🙂 🙂 It made my day. As we all know being a mother is a thankless job at times especially with teenagers and it is so nice to be complimented and validated………………….I have been feeling like I want some affection, and compliments lately. I know what that means, i need to give them to myself but it is always nice to get them from the outside.

Feb 28 19

Dreams

by Amy Cubbison

I figured out why each night i dream about living with my parents as a young adult. I moved out early per my mother’s suggestions. I was a very young eighteen year older, for those of you who know me well. I have always been a bit delayed in maturation. I was like a little girl lost. Then I met Neil at Nineteen and got married at twenty one. I feel as though I never was ready to move out and that I miss that feeling of being home , safe and protected by my parents. I adore having children but sometimes it is nice to feel as if someone is taking care of me as well. As you know I also lost my father four years ago and he has been ill for a while, so our family gatherings at our home in La Jolla became fewer and changed. On a positive note these dreams are often happy and healing dreams. I get what i want 🙂 I am loved, I am joking, laughing and hugging my parents. Last night I hugged my Mom so tight and felt so much love and compassion for her. I also was bringing out my Dad’s wheel to have him show off as he use to love to do. So as our bodies and minds are created for self healing, I am doing this in my dreams at night.

Feb 19 19

Why I love to write………

by Amy Cubbison

Ever since I was a little girl I was a natural writer. Natural in the sense where it was easier and safer for me to express my feelings, and thoughts in words. Alright not without some bad grammar and spelling but meaningful. I always had a diary. I always made up stories and books. I use to send my Uncel Irvie my stories and he would boast about them. I wrote my mother notes my entire life. She called them hate mail but to me they were love mail just wanting more love and understanding. Then i wrote notes to friends all of the time. I wrote every guy I ever liked notes. Then came email and voila, I had an outlet. Boy did i take advantage of that. Some people say some things should not be in an email and or written. I agree but I also believe it can help you focus on what a person is telling you, and then you have time to think and respond. It goes both ways. I also agree sometimes an email written in anger should not be sent. Or after a few drinks. Hence the need for the breathalyzer on phones and lap tops. When my ex husband and I were long distance dating, I would send him two or three letters a day. This is before cell phones. Each time I went to the post office which was daily, I felt a sense of relief when my letters went off.
I have been told I share to much, to much on Facebook and to much in emails. I get that now and there is a boundary however I love to express myself in words. Some people have criticized me for that. I do not think they understand what it feels like to be a natural writer. I have these words and feelings inside of me that just need to come out or I will com-bust. I credit some of this to my English professor at college. She had us free write for twenty minutes each day. Write freely and without punctuation. It was called creative writing. Once I started doing that I felt free and clear. When I write down my feelings, thinks make more sense to me. After all that is what we are all trying to do in this world, is make sense of everything. Beginning with ourselves is the first place to star . I understand not that earlier Something happens to me when I get behind a key board.

I started a blog fourteen years ago before I knew what they were. I have a website where i sold funny, maternity shirts. I added a “Diary of Housewife,” on it. That eventually changed to “Diary of a single Mom, “but still the same. I posted so often and so much. To me not only was it a way, to express myself and deal but a way to preserve all my children’s memories. Funny things they said and did are saved forever. I always envision them reading them when I am old and tired. I am a sentimental person who loves memories. It is not that I do not enjoy now, or look for the future but I value memories tremendously. That is another reason we are all hear on this earth to build, create, enjoy and savor memories.

I wrote so much in my blog and it got popular that I got myself in a few pickles. For example if i went to a baby shower and i felt someone was not nice to me, I would write about it. Well it took a little while and a few bad experiences when I realized i cant write everything. I felt that I was not being real if i want not saying every thought and feeling i had. I learned to curtail that as well. My mother and friends would preface everything with “Do NOT PUT THIS IS YOUR BLOG.” Once my kids started saying that i got the message loud and clear.
Then came along Facebook, yet another venue for my unlimited words and thoughts. Yes i look back on over ten years of posts and some I cringe when I read. Especially the ones where I had a car accident and back surgery and was on Vicadin. The genius that I thought i had on prescriptions was not the genius people related to.

So here I am enrolled in Grad school to become a marriage, child, family counselor. I have to do tons of self reflection and writing. It is right up my alley. I have to say that when people tell me not to share so much, or talk to people instead of write to them, I do not agree. I am a writer through and through. It is in my soul regardless if I am a success at it or not. I have been writing a memoir for the past tour years. It is coming along slowly but surely. I would encourage anyone out there to start free writing daily twenty minutes. See where your words and thoughts take you. I bet you will end up in a better, calmer, clearer space.

Feb 12 19

Lots to say

by Amy Cubbison

I wonder how often i have used that title for a post…….Because my blog posts are few and far between. You can always see posts on my Facebook account LeaveMeB.com      I am in my 13th class for my marriage, family counselor program. I am making it. Yaya………….I still have anxiety but a little less with each passing grade….remember a passing grade is a b and above……..I am excited and scared. Scared to have a true career…………and if i will succeed at it. I am excited my brother David and Maria are coming for a month and my sister Lisa is coming for a week.  I miss my family back east very much. Minor, my childhood nanny had a scare at 100 years old but came out from heart failure and is home now…………..She is awesome…………I hope she lives to be 110. I miss my father so much, it amazes me . It is an ache in my heart. There is so much change in our family out here, that it is hard for me to adjust to it. I am sentimental as they come. My little fam is doing well……thank God………..Kaylee just got in to a dance ballet program for summer. She will be away three weeks from me……..so not happy about that. Jac is in love and a soccer champ. Will is  a entrepreneur…….All are healthy……..Just having some hormonal crap that makes me more dramatic and emotional……..and fearful…………but working out tons. Getting my earlier body back with a lot of resistance training. It feels good……………Still with my boyfriend Ray. We get along  really well……………………So thank you Lord for all of my blessings and help me to contribute to the world and make it a better place.   btw this should be diary of a divorced Mom not housewife………We raise kids together and will always be family.

Jan 10 19

I will get better, I promise

by Amy Cubbison

I am doing well. I have a little sentiment in my heart that feels like I could weep. I know where it is coming from. I had a very intense dream about my father. I keep dreaming of being a kid and living with my mom and dad and feeling super loved and safe…….plus unlimited income. 🙂 ha ha. In my dream i offered my father a tootsie roll pop. He was thankful. It touched my soul. I hope that in heaven he has a lot of tootsie rolls and hot dogs…….two of his favorites……..and chicken soup. I feel the tinge in my heart. When I meditate now, i try to feel things in my body and i usually can locate them. My friend Tina was telling me about this insane video on hypnosis. I want to try it out. She said it was very healing. You go back to your first sad or upsetting memory and correct it. Sort of like EMDR…………anyways enjoying my Human Sexuality class. I was nervous about it but now I am not. It is definitely interesting and triggering some thoughts. Will went to the Grand Canyon with his gf……..He said it was one of the most extraordinary experiences he ever had. He was so excited. It made me want to go. Going away is nice but the older I get the more I like to return to my home filled with people and love. I cant wait for the day I can remodel my kitchen and or have the kitchen of my dreams…………….My room is a mess and I have zero energy to clean it. I am going to give myself a hall pass as I do often, rest, study and then hit Sculpt before class…..xo

Dec 14 18

This is the Story

by Amy Cubbison

An interesting story that started out bad but ended up good. A few months back I went to the Shell on El Camino Real. I had the most terrible experience with one of the millennial employees. He was so awfuller to me that I have ptsd thinking about it. I contacted the owner of the gas station and he said he had problems with him before but he would make it up to me and he did. Yesterday I reluctantly went in to that gas station and my atm card was no working . The strip was demagnetized. I kept trying and trying as I wanted water and snacks for school. Before I knew what was happening, was the employee young, tall and thin, put his card in and payed for my items (8,59) I was not sure what was happening until the other female employee said ,”That is just him, hes nice and does not when some people’s cards dont work.” I was so impressed that I contacted the owner again but for a positive incident. He told me he was so happy to hear that and would do something nice for him this Christmas……………#kindness i#amyCubbison #payitforward

Dec 14 18

A nice story that started out not so nice

by Amy Cubbison

https://tubitv.com/tv-shows/283718/s01_e11_the_cubbison_family