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Jul 2 19

A great day!!

by Amy Cubbison

Today was a perfect day. I have been missing my father something fierce lately. I sort of feel like like i lost my parents. My mother is very happy and Victor takes good care of her but they are a pair. I dont really have a one on one relationship with my mother and have not for a long time. I am just accepting that but mourning the loss of when I was younger. I am glad she is happy. Our trip to the desert was so wonderful. The kids played so well. We bonded in this beautiful home. Swam, played games, danced, laughed and cried. I was the cook in the kitchen where i feel comfortable, Kaylee told me she loved me so many times. We held hands in bed/ When i returned Jac and WIll missed me and gave us the biggest hug. Jac is missing his girlfriend so and it is adorable. He told us that he has to ge use to being alone again as he used to be good at it. I am so grateful my kids have confidence and can love easily and well. . I have one more week till back in school. I am taking law and ethics. I miss school but i am relishing in my free time and spending time with my kids. I am so happy that at this stage in my life my priorities are in line and I appreciate the little things. A little Gucci now and then does not hurt but it does not have the same meaning it once did with me.
I took the kids to see ,”Yesterday.” Today. It was fabulous. I cried tears of joy to the beautiful love story and the awesome music. It made me miss my brothers and sisters and family back east as we all love the Beatles. Then I called about getting a hair cut much needed and the woman whom I connected with a important person in la who is going to help her with my business said my hair cut is free. She has great products and she deserves to shoot for the moon. I am so happy to have any small part to help others succeed. Just like my father. . That makes me happy. Just took Chloe for a walk on this gorgeous day. I am so happy that today I can put any worries imagined or real on the back burner.

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Jun 14 19

My personal inventory

by Amy Cubbison

My personal inventory

I am addicted to bargain shopping
I am funny
i am klutzy
I talk to fast
One of my favorite movies is Educating Rita
I feel like I love Lucy
I connect with the under dog
I get lost often
I have a weird great memory for details about people’s lives, what they said and faces
I believe I am attractive
I have a vivid imagination
I am writing a book about my life
i hate know one
I forgive easily
i exaggerate a lot
My voice sounds like a little girl
I get out of tickets most of the time
I am a salt addict
I feel sexy
I like my body for the most part
My favorite part of me are my eyes
I am a bad driver
I am naturally messy
I am not organized but I am trying
I love hard
I feel deeply
I am an empath
I get envious and jealous at times
I keep friends forever
I keep in touch with people who mean a lot to me
I believe family should stick together
I wish we cherished the edlerly in our culture
I am afraid of getting old
I love to paint
I love to cook
I over use salt
My favorite dinner is a Ruth Chris New York, spinach, mushrooms and a wedget salad
I like attention if it is good
I swear when i use technology
I effect technology
My aura is purple and close to God ( I have been told)
I always think a big happy surprise is coming
I am very smart in dealing with people
I found a career where my nosiness and emotional self are required
I grew up wealthy
I use to not take care of material things
I have ADD
I sometimes get anxious and or depressed
I miss my Dad daily
I am afraid of a lot of things
I hate to fly
I want my children to live near me and I look forward to taking care of their children
I was married over twenty years, we are like siblings and always will be family
I love to dance
I am super gullible
I startle easy and scream
I hate being honked at
I get honked out often
I was born in suburbs Philadelphia
I use to wear all monogram, preppy clothes
My family was on the reality show nanny 911
I have me many stars
I have met Nancy Polosi and President Obama
I love to dress up
i love to eat out
I love to lunch out
I love fancy restaurants
I love vintage furniture and clothes
I am dramatic
i like some gossip but dont want to hurt anyone
I am a romantic
I love to binge watch netflix
I love going to the theater
I did terrible in high school
I almost have my Masters
I am going to be an MFT
I visualize myself doing Talks and presentations about my field
I love babies and old people
I have huge intuition
I love being a mother more than anything
i feel that I can heal with my touch sometimes sending love and good vibes
I stand up for myself finally
I have no more users or abusers in my life
I am a picker
I love to ride bikes on flat grounds
My favorite country is Italy
I have been to England 13 times
I am the youngest of five and my siblings are all older nine years plus
I miss my family on the east coast
My sister Lisa is the closest to me
I adore my niece Katie we are like sisters
I use to think nobody would ever marry me
I felt unlovable as a teen
I used to do gymnastics
I have been in love three times
I have some regrets
I am still gorwing up
I am a late bloomer
I love Ellen Degenerous show and person
I love Oprah and met her
I often do or say the wrong thing
I never want to hurt anyone
I wish the world was a kinder place
I hate what money does to SOME people
I hate frauds and dislike non authentic people
I can be outgoing or shy depending on who is around
I suffer from weekly night mares
I just want to be loved and accepted like everyone else
I love to exercise
I love to sleep
I love good wine and martinis
I have exercised for over forty years
I once climbed in bed with a man and his wife naked by accident at Club Med
I am always looking for someone to say i am doing
a good job
I know that now!!
I tell myself that.!!!

#amycubbison #Oprah #ellendegenerous #hopeIamdoingthiright

May 14 19

Like Mother Like Daughter

by Amy Cubbison

When i was a little girl and even in to adult hood my birthday expectations were insatiable.  I could not ever be fulfilled because I wanted the earth and moon to shine and Jesus to come down from heaven.  I am not proud of this and most birthdays in ended up in tears. Kaylee is not as bad as I was but she does celebrate for a month and if the actual day is not perfect she is upset. I saw this in her disappointing face last night. It was late and her real birthday and everyone was tired and burnt out.  She felt unimportant. I felt compassion for her as my birthday is the last of my mothers and brothers, all in a two week span. Often times everyone is over bdays when mine comes.  I do realize this is a learning moment for me to help Kaylee but I also get it.

I had a great mother’s day and probably because my expectations were small.  Kaylee made me a beautiful card (so sweet, listing all of the things she loves about me) and made breakfast for me. Brought it up to my bed with flowers and all of the things I like.   Then she and Neil gave me a massage gift certificate.  Later that day, Jac gave me a sweet card that said I am the most understanding Mom in the world. Hmm. Not sure about that. Does that mean i never yell??  At night Will gave me a Benjamen Franklin my little roller, and they all cooked filet for me and went around the table saying why they loved me………………..OMG> was so happy and honored. #amycubbison #lovingfamily   #lovemykids

Apr 24 19

A Spring Tuesday

by Amy Cubbison

Hmm…..What should I write about? My lack of sleep for the past few nights? My mind can;t shut off school. I have not been like this since I was in college, many moons ago. Kids are good. I only have four classes to go so exciting. Starting my internship at hospice Monday. Excited to do it. I am watching and reading a lot of examples on how to help those in mourning. I still mourn my father daily. I dont know why but i have never felt the love that I felt my father had for me from anyone else. Other than my kids of course…………It hurts in my heart. Hopefully one day that will all mend. We have been role playing in school. I am really liking it. I especially enjoy being the therapist. My Professor told me last night that I am a natural and she was very proud of me. It feels so good to help others I just got off the phone with Minor. My nanny 101. She loves when i call her. We were just laughing about when i use to miss the bus everyday as a child. I would then hide in the bushes until my father went to work. Then I would pop out so he had to take me to school. He would drive off furious and then back up and get me everyday Being in his warm car ,drinking coffee with a lot of sugar was so much nicer than the cold ugly bus with our mean bus driver Mrs. Langhorn or something like that. Kaylee’s bday is coming up and OMG. She has so many events planned and planned to every little detail. I am getting it back four fold. I just asked her if she wants me to invite the queen of England to her festivities. She loves to decorate and entertain. She just handed me some papers to take to the doctor for her and she asked me to not get any makeup on them?? Ha ha. Almost finished this last class. Have some weekends to look forward to. Going to emdr training in May. Excited for that. I cant wait to make a paycheck !!!!!

Apr 3 19

Avalon

by Amy Cubbison

Just back from Catalina………What an amazing vacation. I felt like I was in the south of France but the greatest thing was it was only a ferry ride away. I took my final and i did not do well or that is what I think so I was not as relaxed as I would of liked to be. I managed my feelings of worry and enjoyed our mini vacation. Last time i was there, I was eight months pregnant with Will. I do not remember much about it because I was miserable. Raymond and I rode bikes all over the island, went to the beach, Went out to lunch, took a golf cart up the mountain. Our hotel was beautiful and the name of it was Portofino. How appropriate is that? The only thing that lessened things was my continuation of troubling dreams. I am sure school has something to do with them, Hormones, as well as my new career path. They are really disturbing though. I waked up and am grateful they are not true. Many of them include my mother and Father. The other night I had a dream where my Father was dead and I hugged and kissed him and he came back to life. Then i miss him so much more all day long. I feel cheated he is gone. I am envious of friends that. The other part of my dream is that my mother was driving me and all of the sudden her hand and stomach hurt and I took over driving and I was massaging her stomach and her hand intensely. I was crying and wanted her to feel better so badly. Today I need to start training for hospice and filling out paper work. Then I am going to enjoy the rest of the days before my next class.

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Mar 28 19

Today

by Amy Cubbison

Taking my little girl Kaylee to the Doctors to get allergy tested today. Yes fourteen is still a little girl, and I am confused by anyone who doubts that. Then taking Will to the doctor because he has a heart arrhythmia. Prayers that it is minor. Will gives me a lot of training to be a therapist because he shares with me every last thought and fear. 🙂 I have end of class anxiety this week. Doing well but fearful that I may not do well on the final. I have loved this class addiction. However we are learning about what childhood experiences can cause or lend to addiction. It makes me worried about my car accident and some of my less than par behavior ten years back. I do not want to have any permanent damage on my children from my actions. I talk to them about this but the regret guilt is insane. Hopefully I have made up for it. The other day Kaylee and I went to do errands. She looked at me and said Mom you are a Term I did not know but basically she said it means you are a rock star plus. She then followed it up with you, “you do so many things and you do them all well.’ I love you so much. I wish I remembered the word that she said but she will not tell me again for fear I will post it on facebook. 🙂 🙂 It made my day. As we all know being a mother is a thankless job at times especially with teenagers and it is so nice to be complimented and validated………………….I have been feeling like I want some affection, and compliments lately. I know what that means, i need to give them to myself but it is always nice to get them from the outside.

Feb 28 19

Dreams

by Amy Cubbison

I figured out why each night i dream about living with my parents as a young adult. I moved out early per my mother’s suggestions. I was a very young eighteen year older, for those of you who know me well. I have always been a bit delayed in maturation. I was like a little girl lost. Then I met Neil at Nineteen and got married at twenty one. I feel as though I never was ready to move out and that I miss that feeling of being home , safe and protected by my parents. I adore having children but sometimes it is nice to feel as if someone is taking care of me as well. As you know I also lost my father four years ago and he has been ill for a while, so our family gatherings at our home in La Jolla became fewer and changed. On a positive note these dreams are often happy and healing dreams. I get what i want 🙂 I am loved, I am joking, laughing and hugging my parents. Last night I hugged my Mom so tight and felt so much love and compassion for her. I also was bringing out my Dad’s wheel to have him show off as he use to love to do. So as our bodies and minds are created for self healing, I am doing this in my dreams at night.

Feb 19 19

Why I love to write………

by Amy Cubbison

Ever since I was a little girl I was a natural writer. Natural in the sense where it was easier and safer for me to express my feelings, and thoughts in words. Alright not without some bad grammar and spelling but meaningful. I always had a diary. I always made up stories and books. I use to send my Uncel Irvie my stories and he would boast about them. I wrote my mother notes my entire life. She called them hate mail but to me they were love mail just wanting more love and understanding. Then i wrote notes to friends all of the time. I wrote every guy I ever liked notes. Then came email and voila, I had an outlet. Boy did i take advantage of that. Some people say some things should not be in an email and or written. I agree but I also believe it can help you focus on what a person is telling you, and then you have time to think and respond. It goes both ways. I also agree sometimes an email written in anger should not be sent. Or after a few drinks. Hence the need for the breathalyzer on phones and lap tops. When my ex husband and I were long distance dating, I would send him two or three letters a day. This is before cell phones. Each time I went to the post office which was daily, I felt a sense of relief when my letters went off.
I have been told I share to much, to much on Facebook and to much in emails. I get that now and there is a boundary however I love to express myself in words. Some people have criticized me for that. I do not think they understand what it feels like to be a natural writer. I have these words and feelings inside of me that just need to come out or I will com-bust. I credit some of this to my English professor at college. She had us free write for twenty minutes each day. Write freely and without punctuation. It was called creative writing. Once I started doing that I felt free and clear. When I write down my feelings, thinks make more sense to me. After all that is what we are all trying to do in this world, is make sense of everything. Beginning with ourselves is the first place to star . I understand not that earlier Something happens to me when I get behind a key board.

I started a blog fourteen years ago before I knew what they were. I have a website where i sold funny, maternity shirts. I added a “Diary of Housewife,” on it. That eventually changed to “Diary of a single Mom, “but still the same. I posted so often and so much. To me not only was it a way, to express myself and deal but a way to preserve all my children’s memories. Funny things they said and did are saved forever. I always envision them reading them when I am old and tired. I am a sentimental person who loves memories. It is not that I do not enjoy now, or look for the future but I value memories tremendously. That is another reason we are all hear on this earth to build, create, enjoy and savor memories.

I wrote so much in my blog and it got popular that I got myself in a few pickles. For example if i went to a baby shower and i felt someone was not nice to me, I would write about it. Well it took a little while and a few bad experiences when I realized i cant write everything. I felt that I was not being real if i want not saying every thought and feeling i had. I learned to curtail that as well. My mother and friends would preface everything with “Do NOT PUT THIS IS YOUR BLOG.” Once my kids started saying that i got the message loud and clear.
Then came along Facebook, yet another venue for my unlimited words and thoughts. Yes i look back on over ten years of posts and some I cringe when I read. Especially the ones where I had a car accident and back surgery and was on Vicadin. The genius that I thought i had on prescriptions was not the genius people related to.

So here I am enrolled in Grad school to become a marriage, child, family counselor. I have to do tons of self reflection and writing. It is right up my alley. I have to say that when people tell me not to share so much, or talk to people instead of write to them, I do not agree. I am a writer through and through. It is in my soul regardless if I am a success at it or not. I have been writing a memoir for the past tour years. It is coming along slowly but surely. I would encourage anyone out there to start free writing daily twenty minutes. See where your words and thoughts take you. I bet you will end up in a better, calmer, clearer space.

Feb 12 19

Lots to say

by Amy Cubbison

I wonder how often i have used that title for a post…….Because my blog posts are few and far between. You can always see posts on my Facebook account LeaveMeB.com      I am in my 13th class for my marriage, family counselor program. I am making it. Yaya………….I still have anxiety but a little less with each passing grade….remember a passing grade is a b and above……..I am excited and scared. Scared to have a true career…………and if i will succeed at it. I am excited my brother David and Maria are coming for a month and my sister Lisa is coming for a week.  I miss my family back east very much. Minor, my childhood nanny had a scare at 100 years old but came out from heart failure and is home now…………..She is awesome…………I hope she lives to be 110. I miss my father so much, it amazes me . It is an ache in my heart. There is so much change in our family out here, that it is hard for me to adjust to it. I am sentimental as they come. My little fam is doing well……thank God………..Kaylee just got in to a dance ballet program for summer. She will be away three weeks from me……..so not happy about that. Jac is in love and a soccer champ. Will is  a entrepreneur…….All are healthy……..Just having some hormonal crap that makes me more dramatic and emotional……..and fearful…………but working out tons. Getting my earlier body back with a lot of resistance training. It feels good……………Still with my boyfriend Ray. We get along  really well……………………So thank you Lord for all of my blessings and help me to contribute to the world and make it a better place.   btw this should be diary of a divorced Mom not housewife………We raise kids together and will always be family.

Jan 10 19

I will get better, I promise

by Amy Cubbison

I am doing well. I have a little sentiment in my heart that feels like I could weep. I know where it is coming from. I had a very intense dream about my father. I keep dreaming of being a kid and living with my mom and dad and feeling super loved and safe…….plus unlimited income. 🙂 ha ha. In my dream i offered my father a tootsie roll pop. He was thankful. It touched my soul. I hope that in heaven he has a lot of tootsie rolls and hot dogs…….two of his favorites……..and chicken soup. I feel the tinge in my heart. When I meditate now, i try to feel things in my body and i usually can locate them. My friend Tina was telling me about this insane video on hypnosis. I want to try it out. She said it was very healing. You go back to your first sad or upsetting memory and correct it. Sort of like EMDR…………anyways enjoying my Human Sexuality class. I was nervous about it but now I am not. It is definitely interesting and triggering some thoughts. Will went to the Grand Canyon with his gf……..He said it was one of the most extraordinary experiences he ever had. He was so excited. It made me want to go. Going away is nice but the older I get the more I like to return to my home filled with people and love. I cant wait for the day I can remodel my kitchen and or have the kitchen of my dreams…………….My room is a mess and I have zero energy to clean it. I am going to give myself a hall pass as I do often, rest, study and then hit Sculpt before class…..xo