No Flowers

by Amy Cubbison on January 21st, 2009

Once again, I don’t bring you flowers anymore or not as often……lol. I am aging myself and I have used this joke often but atleast it cracks myself up. That is one thing out of a couple that I like about getting older. Being more comfortable in my own skin. I mean, when I was young I was always to insecure or embarassed to risk being funny. Now it is natural. If someone does not laugh and I do, who cares??? I also like the fact if I dont want to sky jump, I don’t have to or pretend that I fricken want to. I use to put so much pressure on myself about so many things. Now I see poor Wills tormented about many things like I use to be. I wonder if I was as difficult as Wills? I dont’ think my mother would have had the patience I do and I lose it often as well. She just would not put up with it, and she was not around as much as me.

Anyways Happy Birthday Dad!!! He is 83 and looks sixty. We had dinner with them last night. The kids were really cute and singing to him. All Kaylee was wondering about was the Cake or cupcakes and where they were. I am sure my mother did not like that for Kaylee’s future physique.

Oh just remembered I had a dream I was pregnant last night. I was not too happy about it either but I kept thinking, “This is God’s plan.” The other day I ran in to my old obgyn and was asking her about having babies in forties. Diane told me that she was so afraid to get the amneo results and in my dream I was as well. I was thinking last night that I can still remember and feel like it was in highschool. It does not seem twenty years ago at all. I wish I could go back, I would do it so different. oh here I go again……poor me. I just can’t believe how fast twenty years goes. Scary!!

Wills was telling me that he thinks people think he is weird. A lot of the times he say’s he does not care but yesterday he was upset about it. We already got him a new wardrobe. I was convincing him he will show everyone, but I don’t think I validated him enough. I was in a great mood all day with the kids and then around eight ocklock I became Sybil and I snapped. My patience runs thin at that time and they act so surprised. I wish I did not get cranky like that but these days I am a full time parent. Back to William-he also magnifies and exagerates (another quality he got from moi) so I dont’ often know when he is workin me or not. I want to talk to his teacher. His friend (best) Conner might be moving and that would be a catastrophe. Let’s hope not.

Last night Kaylee surprised us all about telling us about Martin Luther and what things were like and how they have changed. At the end of it she added something really racial. I asked her where she heard that and she said from a boy at school. Even though it was not funny and is not, it was cute because she had no idea what she was saying and how contradicting it was……….lately I have been super sensitive (shocker). If I were anymore sensitive I would be a kleenex. Ha. I was feeling very judged and critisized by my friends. I am sure some of it is and was my issue and some of it was being hormonal but it was unsettling to me. I just get nervous around people/friend’s who judge and critisize others so much because than I am afraid it is the same with me. I also was doing that thing where when someone gives someone else a compliment that means I am not that. That resembles my entire highschool experience.

So today the house is quiet and I love it. I may just do some yoga here before I take my friend Julie to lunch for her bday. I missed her bday and I felt so badly that I had a dream that she was sick and I did not know. In the dream I was crying desperately. The next dream after that could not have been more stupid-it was me yelling at the waiters, at “Taco Auctioneer,” that they had a tgif menu. I was screaming,”You don’t have corndogs at a Mexican restaurant??” Funny huh. Taco Auctioneer use to be a local Mexican eatery. We use to go there often. One of the few places i liked in this town, back then.

I had a dream Last night that an unknown guy was taking care of me. He was so kind and gentle. I have had this dream so often and was remembering how I always craved someone to love me unconditionally like that. I think after all these years Neil does but sometimes imagined intimacy is easier. Oh and yesterday we made history-not just Inaguration history-which by the way was touching and incredible but all of my kids went to the dentist and got their teeth cleaned. They all complained and cried the entire way there and I wanted to go to sleep forever, but afterwards they all loved their white teeth and were so proud of themseleves. It was so cute. I need to remember this often and also hopefully they will-that after we do something we dont’ want to but must we feel good because we are taking care of ourselves. I often have this feeling where I dont’ want my kids to suffer or get upset even when it is something in the long run they need to do and it will hurt them more later. I know this is not a good parenting technique but I need to address it and stop it.

Oh well today Is also my darling friend Ashleigh’s bday. Happy Birthday Ashleigh! I am so glad you are back in my life. She was my doolah and helped deliver Jac and was super comforting when I was afraid he might be colicky like Wills. Have a good day! Oh and Jordan Call me dying to hear about Inaguration Ball. My handsome, nephew who is in politics went to some of the balls in WAshington and I am dyin to hear the scoop! So what else is new???

From my-life

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