by Amy Cubbison on May 16th, 2009

Morning…………….I woke up feeling good this morning.  Usually that depends on a few things ie;mainly hormones and sleep content. I am pmsing so feel hungry and bloated but so what else is new. I just feel that I am being honest and authentic, although I am quite broke-which stinks especially around the Nordstrom sales. ha ha. Today I am going to the gym and then meeting a friend and their daughter for lunch with Kaylee. Our normal friends Dyane and Marina are out of town. We have our little saturday ritual, which is always fun.

William has been parenting me and watching me constantly. I can’ t stand it. He never leaves me alone. He is like an exxagerated possessive, jealous husband that never leaves me alone and does not give me the main benefits. ha. Seriously I have some work to do on our relationship. I love him dearly but I just want to be left alone occasionally and have the parent/child relationship with respect.

Kaylee thinks she is hannah montana. She does the hoe down throwdown so well. Little egg mcMuffin. She is always riding her little bike that my mother gave her, with training wheels. It fits her perfect.

I am digging deeper in to myself and finding new levels of areas to work on. I sort of wish I did not have so much work to do but this time in mylife I am really working on things and not going to fake it. I want to come clean and not live a lie in any degree to myself and or others

My sister is going to come out and stay with me. I can’t wait. I have actually been cleaning the house, as best as I can clean, myself. Can you believe it. It feels good afterwards. I have also had lapses of not wanting to talk or answer my phone lately. I am assigned by my therapist to sit quietly at the beach twenty minutes a day and just observe everything and jot down my feelings. Not feelings like I blog about because there is an audience but my feelings that surge me to shop and or find a friend or something to do without any ego involved.

Yesterday my friend Gail and I had our Friday happy hour and went down our favorite eighties memory lane again. Even Wills knew it was coming. Only this time no Dyane and no crying. We got on the subject of Luke and Laura from General Hospital and how their relationship started with a rape? How disfunctional and how things have changed. We looked it up on Youtube. What would we do with out that. Information is always at our finger tips. Anyways we watched it and it was like watching the most unrealistic, bad porn without the naked bodies. It was hilarious. Then the kids and I had dinner with Patty and her friends from Del Mar. She always has interesting, intillectual, friends that are a nice change. I miss her and our friendship as well as Melanie. Proximity these days.

I had a serious ADD moment the other day that sort of freaked me out. I was at Kaylee’s third bday celebration. This one was at school. I was sweating profusely getting the cupcakes, board of her life, etc etc. ready for the presentation. I swear the schools make things so complicated and make such a big deal of everything that no wonder I or many parents feel invalid or like a failure. THe requirements are so high and if you don’t do it, the child will feel left out, because ,most parents do it. I just have to decifer what is important enough or not but that critical mom is inside my head and she often does not know the difference and feels insecure. I got so carried away being at Kaylee’s school and letting her play in the playground after, I forgot that my boys get out earlier and that I forgot to pick them up. Finally I looked at my watch almost a half an hour later and I panicked. I mean I am not always early or on time but that was negligent late. I feel like the ladies in the office dont respect me as a MOm. I feel like I need to do a clearing with them and help them understand my journey of being more organized and less harried. Then next week is OPE staff appreciation day. I believe they deserve to be appreciated but there is something or another every fricken day at the school. That itself is a full time job. What is a working mother to do. ……and God keeps surrounding me by crying babies to assure me that I am finished with that stage of my life. I long for peace and contentment not anymore chaos. Sorry for the bitch blog today but that is how it came out!

From my-life

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