by Amy Cubbison on December 29th, 2009

Gosh Thanks to God that it is not the first yet, when all my new and wonderful changes and habits are created or said goodbye too………….So now I have much more to blog about but not a lot of time to write about it. I have to remember part of our story is better than no story at all. Not to mention somethings will stay in my memory banks forever. It is funny lately, I am identifying with William more as I was as a child. I am seeing that I hated change and wanted things perfect, and when they were not perfect, as most people, places and things are not, I would sort of give up. I was black and white in regards to a lot and religion as well. Thank God I grew out of that-ha………….FIrst off my maid came again, I feel like she is an angel, and would love to have Her live with us. She adds so much control, and structure to our life, which is much needed.
So let me run by a few thoughts, feelings, needs (my therapist keeps helping me find the difference between wants and needs, and doing things I don’t like to do ie;menial labor) anyways I am feeling much better, and feeling that I am not going to die over some rare disease. For some reason when I don’t feel in excellent energy/health, I expect the worst or fear the worst. Hopefully It is always hypochondriacal……………I am busy working, and doing things with the kids and friends/family-not going out. I am looking forward to having time when they are back in school to really get organized. Seems to me I have said this for a few years? Ha. But I do eventually do everything I set my mind to, but it takes a while ie;yoga, lemon water, glutten free, exersize and paint with the kids and on my own. Phew,,,,,,,I need to pat myself on the back once in a while in between the slaps. Tonight we are having ashleigh and kids over for dinner. I am so in the mood to cook and feel those that I love. That is a good sign.
Not sure if I wrote about this but it is important and so I will write about it again excuse me if you heard it before. As you know I dream about my father most nights. I am usually trying to carry him or help him and struggling and crying. Now my Dad’s sister one-is going to hospice-and two being left alone cuz her sister is going to hospice. So now I am worrying about the three of them and dreaming about them often. I know worrying does not help and I am trying to put good energy in to it. The other night I had a dream where I was sitting with my father and My aunt, both in wheelchairs at the beach. We were watching the sunset, and I kept on saying as I put their hands together-“all you both need to do for the rest of your life, is be in the moment, enjoy eachother and watch the beautiful sunsets.” It was a nice dream actually.
People keep telling me that I am crazy in a good way. NOt sure I like that but it beats being boring, which nobody has ever called me to my knowledge. I am thinking I need to have a super private blog to deal with some of my ultra private issues and thoughts, and keep somethings for just myself. I am feeling exposed lately, due to only me, myself and i but not liking the feeling so much. This year is all about protecting myself, growing up -finally and learning how to trust others in a healthy, safe way, where I don’t get used and abused. I have some great people in my life, helping me with this.
Wills is being like a teenager still. Need to go back to therapy with him. Trying to not get triggered and react so much and tell myself he is an elleven year old boy emotionally. I just want him to grow up and understand me and see the good. I wish everyone saw the good in everyone, and nobody judged anyone. That is my rose colored glasses but its true. I like when people have one assumption and then I proove them wrong, and I like when people do that to me, only in a good way.
Jac is obsessed with soccer and his new video games. We are loving the neighbors and going back to her house and forth……so nice, fun and thank you God.
So funny Kaylee comments -one-when she grows up she wants to be a reindeer so she can fly. Hmm. Then I said they don’t dress cute, and she said,”Nevermind.” She also told me today that Mcdonalds is creaming El Torito cuz the parking lot is empty and line at Mcdonalds. What five year old thinks that way? Oh and the other night after she made the salad and dished it out, Victor, my father’s helper, asked Kaylee if she wanted to own a restaurant with him and what should they name it? Kaylee thought about it for a while, and then said,”Yes and lets call it Chez Hippopatamus………….She is hilarious and if I had a drum I’d do it after the punchline but guests are waiting and you will have to wait………..xo

From my-life

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