Too out there!

by Amy Cubbison on December 7th, 2009

Yes I have been guilty of this and am trying to change but it is not an easy battle. Lately I feel like I am n a whirlwind like when I was in college. I have so much on my mind and so many things that I want to do, including work and fun, that I am having a hard time focusing. Tonight I am feeling really good because I stayed in with the kids, and no friends came over. Made them a nice dinner and now going to watch a movie with them. Once again when I just hang out with my kids and nobody is fighting or whining, it feels so great, so healing, and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. A day spent with my kids is a day well spent, most of the time. I noted some things that I wanted to write about so here goes.
First off today is rainy and windy and I am saying praise to God we have cover, unlike many homeless people. I am feeling a bit nervous about money going out since it is Christmas time. I also think that contributes to my mind going.
Yesterday we took the kids to see, “The blindside.” I wish I was more like that sassy, mother in it. I had to drag the kids there but the boys loved it. It was one of the best movies I have seen in a while. Super touching. I want to do things like that to help others. It was all about helping one another and I am all about that. I just need to not help others if it takes away from my kids.
I have been feeling pretty sentimental and emotional lately. I miss my father and my heart aches when I dont’ see him. William constantly gives me a hard time, and I need to work on that with him. He always say’s things like that I go out all of the time but then he realizes that I go two nights a week and I am with them all of the time. He also chooses to go on playdates and he never wants to go anywhere. We spent the day together on saturday and William said,” When I am with you I realize that I spend a lot more time with you than I remember or think.” He has high expectations…….not that I don’t continuelly need to work on myself. When I am not the mother I want to be or the person I want to be, I do not feel good. I also wish nobody judged one another so bad, as I believe that I don’t. We live in a place that is getting smaller and smaller, and people do judge. I have had the feeling lately that if someone does not reciprocate or add to my life, as I to theirs, I will let them go. It is a nice feeling for me who has wanted everyone to love me, and been a people pleaser. I have reached my max. ……..but sometimes friends are only seasons. I want to keep everyone, and they me, for life. NOt realistic.
I saw a movie at the gym the other day. It was called “hanging up.” It was about three daughters and a father who was aging and had alzheimers. He was sad and did not want his daughters to leave him at the hospital. I love Walter Matheau, who played the dad. It made me feel so sad, and think about my father. I sort of was in semi tears all day. Plus I feel a bit lonely lately. Not sure why, I am surrounded by people but I do. Trying to work through it and get to peace.
I keep dreaming about my father, and my mother. They have been very interesting dreams, some good and some bad. I am always trying to take care of my father, and crying that I can’t do it. Then Molly, my yorkie we just put to sleep has been in every dream. In one of the dreams they were saying they were going to put my father to sleep like Molly and I was begging for more time with him. It was very upsetting. I also miss my dog Molly a lot……….hmm….maybe I need a new dog a puppy to love on. Keep me out of trouble………
Kaylee is continuing to act more like a five and ahalf year older. She say’s hilarious things. She is growing a bit and thining out. I am really trying to be on kids about diet, brushing, and cleaning up after themselves. It has not been easy. See why my mind is full…….and my creativity is flowing rapidly. Cami is going to move in for a few days and help me get the kids to listen and buckledown.
My life is like a reality show still. I wish I could write about all my escapades but I am also trying to be more reserved and private.
Oh good news, I met my new neighbors and we really clicked. I am so happy.
William told me that I was like Benjamin Button, getting younger all of the time. I thought that was hilarious. is it?? Am I missing something? Ha

From my-life

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