by Amy Cubbison on June 19th, 2013

They say to not live in the past or future…….and stay in the present…..I try my best but I am such a sentimental soul I day dream in memories……New ones always seem to always surface even more so these days…..i guess I fear some of the future, I love the now, with my children, (except on bad days) and although my life has been far from perfect, I have a lot of good memories. I have had some rather disturbing dreams lately…..Worse than my normal disturbing dreams but thought provoking never the less……….William told me that I am an excellent mother but he wishes I was not so sensitive. He wants me to be much stronger than he believes I am. I guess we need to meet somewhere in the middle, as I need to not show so much emotion, but he also does not realize that I am getting stronger daily and I am much stronger than he probably realizes. He and others associate weak with feelings, and emotions. I mean catch me on a bad day when life feels like to much and I do not feel that strong……but I always bounce back after a good night sleep. ….Anyways I was remembering when I was nine and I hurt my mother’s feelings really bad. I was upset that my mother was quite a bit older than the other moms. She was also different as I have described. She was not a stay home mom or anything remotely like the housewives in our neighborhood. I told my mother I thought she was too old to be my mommy. She was 45. ha. Anyways I hurt my mother’s feelings really badly. She was crying and upset with me for days….I remember feeling so scared that she would not forgive me. It was such a tragic feeling at the time that I hurt my mother and may lose her love. I found a letter that I wrote to my mother right after, that is heart breaking. For some reason this memory has always stuck deep in my heart and head with some other significant memories…It just brought it up in my mind when William said I was sensitive. I am to the other degree. If they see my sadness I convince them I am okay and will be fine…..This morning I heard Rocky Racoon by the Beatles. I have not heard that song for many years . It reminds me of Cindy Johnson my childhood friend, when we use to listen to the Beatles 24 seven….It is ironic because I am going back east today and going to see Cindy along with a bunch of my childhood friends…….I am so excited and so need this. I also heard “let It Be,” which reminds me of Leigh, Kelly, and Kimberly….We use to drink and cry to it……ha ha. Sometimes I still do that……..Much more to write but have to get ready for the trip and drop by kids. I told Kaylee I am going to miss her so and she said ,” mommy you have not left yet so lets just enjoy right now.’ She is soooooo wise……..She also told me last night when we were enjoying aged parmesan cheese, she should of brought it in for her pioneer days as it is antique and old. ha ha
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Philly here I come!!!! I have missed you and all of the friends and family there…..Can’t wait to hang out with my sister especially Lisa Marks………….I soooo need this…..To much weighing on my head and heart right now…..Bon Voyage.
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